How close are you to your Philippine immediate family and relatives?

[Queenie O.]

I've mentioned recently that since moving here, we have tried to build a good family relationship with family here, because it was something that we enjoyed and were grateful for with family back in the States. For myself especially, I felt that I dearly missed my family, and I hoped that some new family bonds could be forged here to. My husband's family was never really cohesive before, but with his parents now having passed away, we hoped that  We hoped that the family  could become a little closer and some of us would enjoy each others' friendship and company more. We've held many social gatherings at holidays, helped out as needed through the three years, and we felt that family seemed to really enjoy all of us being together, and that the family as a whole seemed to be getting closer. That has been the case with a few family members, which has been good, and naturally you wouldn't expect to get along with everybody either.  Lately though, it seems to us that we put in a lot of effort but see little emotional return from many family members. It seems that no matter what we do, it never seems enough, and many family members just seem to try take advantage of our good nature at every turn, without any sense on their part that friendship or family is a two way street We've never had any strings attached to any help we've given, and we're pretty mellow people, and I think easy to get along with by nature. (you can ask my own family. Why do you think that this happens? My American attitude would just like to tell some people what I think of them, but I don't think it would even be worth it.

Have any of you experienced this with your Filipino family while living here?  How many of you even live near your partner's family for some of these reasons that I mentioned? We've been feeling rather put upon and frustrated lately, and would appreciate any feedback from you all. Is our situation unique to us alone?

Queenie

[Dave Hounddriver]

1 minute ago, Queenie O. said:

It seems that no matter what we do, it never seems enough, and many family members just seem to try take advantage of our good nature at every turn

Many topics on this.  MANY topics on not living too close to your spouse's relatives.  But people tend to read them after they have already moved close to them.  I am just as bad.  I moved close to my first ex's family for the same reasons you mentioned.  And that was even knowing that everyone says its a bad thing.  It is.  Its a BAD thing  for more reasons than I care to go into but hey, I said she's my ex and that says it all.

[Mike J]

35 minutes ago, Queenie O. said:

It seems that no matter what we do, it never seems enough, and many family members just seem to try take advantage of our good nature at every turn

In many cases, but not all, it seems to progress from gratitude, to expectations, to "What have you done for me lately".  I think it is a cultural bias that is sort of baked into the Philippine culture.  A family member who is successful is expected to share the bounty with extended family or face criticism or loss of "hiya".  You might want to google "Philippine culture hiya" as it doesn't have a real solid comparison in USA culture.  It won't change how they act but may help you to understand why they act that way.  In our family it is a mixed bag and it can certainly be frustrating at times.  I am sometimes reminded of the saying; "No good deed goes unpunished." 

[Nephi]

Queenie,

It's a different mind set here. Mentally, culturally, physiologically, and in any other ways possible. In the kindest way of saying it, they are a different breed of animal. If you serve a useful ($$$) purpose to them then you stuck together like glue. Other than that what possible connection could there possibly be?

I've lived here with my wife now for 14 years and she does have a good family. However, to be buddy-buddy friends with them there is just no way. To have a good conversation and or friendship with any of them is not possible because there are few if any common points of interest or life experiences. I can talk and visit all day long about flying, aircraft and travel of any kind. No common ground with carabao, fish, or most any other locals way of life or experiences. So on any visit, after the "hello how are you" greetings are over there is nothing left to be said.

This I think is probably common to anyone living here and married to a local. Only way around it is to either tolerate it or find friends from our own countries to visit with from time to time.

[Queenie O.]

 "No good deed goes unpunished." 

38 minutes ago, Mike J said:

In many cases, but not all, it seems to progress from gratitude, to expectations, to "What have you done for me lately".  I think it is a cultural bias that is sort of baked into the Philippine culture.  A family member who is successful is expected to share the bounty with extended family or face criticism or loss of "hiya".  You might want to google "Philippine culture hiya" as it doesn't have a real solid comparison in USA culture.  It won't change how they act but may help you to understand why they act that way.  In our family it is a mixed bag and it can certainly be frustrating at times.  I am sometimes reminded of the saying; "No good deed goes unpunished." 

I totally understand and agree with what you're saying Mike. The saying "you're damned if you do, damned if you don't" comes to mind at times too. It's just good to hear that we're not the only ones that share these expectations at times.

[Queenie O.]

 I think that as fellow humans, we all share hopes and dreams for ourselves and others. I've had meaningful conversations on a basic level with Filipinos here at times, It's difficult to really be yourself with many here though, because nobody really ever asks you much about yourself, and if they did, they couldn't relate about most things anyway. That's okay I guess, but also we are all considered "rich" by all senses here anyway.  Nobody really would ever know or understand the hard work, and sacrifices it might have taken in your past life, emotionally and logistically etc. and to save and plan just to be able to make the leap of moving here and making a new life here. No need to get out your violin, but let's face it money and effort doesn't just come free without any onus on our part in the cultures that most of us come from. As much as I can put myself in their positions, I still think that a little more give and take would much appreciated. I guess that aspect will always be lacking here for the most part. My husband, as a Filipino that spent several years living abroad in a western culture, it seems particularly hurtful and frustrating for him at times.

[Jack Peterson]

How close are you to your Philippine immediate family and relatives?

 Sometimes Too Close  Love Them but..................

[intrepid]

36 minutes ago, Queenie O. said:

My husband, as a Filipino that spent several years living abroad in a western culture, it seems particularly hurtful and frustrating for him at times.

This statement in itself could be another topic.  Just this afternoon while driving to our house project I was thinking how lucky I am with a wife who understands my thoughts and reasoning.  Actually what I was thinking was because she had lived in the US for about eleven years after we married and before that she worked in Japan about  seven years.  She was and is the ideal wife/mother who I was able to provide where she didn't have to work outside the house and raise our daughter.  Although she wanted to get a job, she understood I could work about 6-8 hrs overtime and earn what she would with a part-time job.  So, anyway she was in the US long enough to learn and understand but not too long to get westernized.  Now that we are here in the PI living, it is very interesting to see her complain about things such as government, drivers, and the like. 

As far as family, we have many.  Some close and many far.  Up until now, no real issues.  Her brother and family and sister and family have invited us several times to their very modest homes for get parties and events.  They have been to our place maybe 3 to 1.  Usually when thay come for dinner or event, they will bring a dish.  Holidays are usually at our place mainly because we have more space.  I prefer it this way because it's more comfortable for me.  And when I usually get tired early, I excuse myself and let them know I will be going to bed because I don't want them to feel obligated to stay on my account..  Also interesting is this past Christmas eve we had everyone over and had many gifts for everyone.  Children and adults.  Some have jobs but none brought gifts.  We hadn't told them we had gifts for them and really did not expect any gifts.  Funny, two days later we were invited to brother-in-laws house for dinner and they had a Christmas gift for me, my wife, and daughter.  I was really humbled and although small, still more than what they should have spent.  Of course they felt the need because of all we gave them but even if they had not given anything I would not have felt bad.  Again, I guess lucky with family.  We'll see after a few years.

Edited March 3, 2017 by intrepid
additional info

[Queenie O.]

 For my husband, he seems to have the closest and most understanding relationship with his brothers living here. He truly sees himself as "his brother's keeper" in the Filipino sense, because he feels that he has been blessed and lucky in his life, and he wants to especially give back to them. They seem to understand his love and care for them in particular, and it seems appreciated too. He seems at times satisfied with these simple ties, in spite of the sense that they might be the only ones that make sense.

[Queenie O.]

11 minutes ago, intrepid said:

 

47 minutes ago, Queenie O. said:

My husband, as a Filipino that spent several years living abroad in a western culture, it seems particularly hurtful and frustrating for him at times.

This statement in itself could be another topic. 

 

I agree that perceptions of partners that have seen and experienced different cultures might feel differently than others. I agree intrepid, that could be a whole new topic for discussion.