What is the deal with responsibility for lazy family members?

[AlwaysRt]

Luckily I don't have to deal with this issue but it comes up as a side issue in many topics. I have a friend really having a hard time with this right now and it is affecting his otherwise great relationship with his wife. He has put her 20 something year old brother through a couple different trade courses (mechanic and bartender) while living with them. He previously (while taking classes) did nothing to help around the house except walk the dog, now that he has graduated (again) he is doing nothing. He is capable but prefers hanging around my friend's house, free room and board, to going out and earning his own way.

his wife, as Filipinas tend to do, think it is his responsibility to take care of her brother since he has no income. This of course clashes with the Western idea that he should get off his ass and find a way to earn some money, especially that he now has skills he can use to do so.

How do you /have you dealt with your SO expecting support for what in our way of thinking is a user/bum? 

[mogo51]

I have not had to deal with this Rt and I won't, simply because he would not get in the front door.  I have a daughter like this back in Oz and she is a lazy b..ch - we have not spoken for years.  Got sick of her putting her hand out.

[AlwaysRt]

4 minutes ago, mogo51 said:

I have not had to deal with this Rt and I won't, simply because he would not get in the front door.  I have a daughter like this back in Oz and she is a lazy b..ch - we have not spoken for years.  Got sick of her putting her hand out.

I probably would have done the same as him to start with. Helping him while going to school. But then he did it again. Now done with the second training the problem is the brother is is his house, doesn't want to do anything, and his wife just expects him to continue supporting her brother.

[mogo51]

1 hour ago, AlwaysRt said:

I probably would have done the same as him to start with. Helping him while going to school. But then he did it again. Now done with the second training the problem is the brother is is his house, doesn't want to do anything, and his wife just expects him to continue supporting her brother.

He needs to re educate the wife!!!!   -  best word in such situations is NO.

[robert k]

Tough question. Any rich old widows around to sick him on?

[mogo51]

1 hour ago, robert k said:

Tough question. Any rich old widows around to sick him on?

Good one Robert.

[bigpearl]

15 minutes ago, mogo51 said:

I have not had to deal with this Rt and I won't, simply because he would not get in the front door.  I have a daughter like this back in Oz and she is a lazy b..ch - we have not spoken for years.  Got sick of her putting her hand out.

Ha, and I thought I was the only one, not one but 2 kids and then the ex wife who whittled away for years while I paid the bills, (after divorce) eventually I learnt in Oz to say no with my flesh and blood, my better half knows the stories and agrees when we say no to his family, they don't ask these days because they all know the answer, get of your bum and achieve. Yes we help mum and dad annually and just contributed to one uncles funeral costs but only 10%.

We all work hard and achieve for our goals and comfort, not always or necessarily for the benefit or abuse by others, especially in situations like the OP's friend, you can lead a horse to water but you can't make it drink. And as Ron (Mogo) states, "NO" does work but takes a few of them. OMO.

Cheers, Steve.

[Snowy79]

If I was him I'd be starting to build a escape fund up. I think he's realising now how far down the food chain he is in a relationship. I'd be thinking of an excuse to send my money to a family member for safe keeping, long lost cousins school fees etc. 

Rather than confront her I'd tell her that you've been thinking how well she looks after her brother and as he's family you understand it fully. It's now got him thinking he should send money home for his relatives where he came from, and as such they might have to give up a few luxuries but not to worry as he's seen a few jobs listed for maids etc and if his wife could take one of those jobs then they'd all be happy. 

I'd lay it on thick how much her brother will appreciate the extra money coming in and I'm sure his wife won't mind giving up her wages. It's her brother after all. 

[AlwaysRt]

5 minutes ago, bigpearl said:

Ha, and I thought I was the only one, not one but 2 kids and then the ex wife who whittled away for years while I paid the bills, (after divorce) eventually I learnt in Oz to say no with my flesh and blood, my better half knows the stories and agrees when we say no to his family, they don't ask these days because they all know the answer, get of your bum and achieve. Yes we help mum and dad annually and just contributed to one uncles funeral costs but only 10%.

We all work hard and achieve for our goals and comfort, not always or necessarily for the benefit or abuse by others, especially in situations like the OP's friend, you can lead a horse to water but you can't make it drink. And as Ron (Mogo) states, "NO" does work but takes a few of them. OMO.

Cheers, Steve.

That's how I found out about it. He is trying 'no' and him and his wife have been fighting. I could tell he was down, asked him what was wrong, and this is it. No is causing a problem yet he doesn't want to roll over either.

[AlwaysRt]

2 minutes ago, Snowy79 said:

If I was him I'd be starting to build a escape fund up. I think he's realising now how far down the food chain he is in a relationship. I'd be thinking of an excuse to send my money to a family member for safe keeping, long lost cousins school fees etc. 

Rather than confront her I'd tell her that you've been thinking how well she looks after her brother and as he's family you understand it fully. It's now got him thinking he should send money home for his relatives where he came from, and as such they might have to give up a few luxuries but not to worry as he's seen a few jobs listed for maids etc and if his wife could take one of those jobs then they'd all be happy. 

I'd lay it on thick how much her brother will appreciate the extra money coming in and I'm sure his wife won't mind giving up her wages. It's her brother after all. 

Been married 5+ years so not a new relationship, just a 'new' problem. She isn't working, stays home taking care of him, but his current idea is to tell her to get a job and give her income to her brother. I am not so sure that idea will go over any better than a bunch of lead balloons. I of course, have no idea what the answer is - but if I did it would be Right! LOL