Holding a grudge

[Jack Peterson]

 My wife to my surprise is a Grudge holder, her main Grudge just now is and has been for 7+ years with her Eldest Sister who called our Daughter a "SIN" this will never go away until the Sister apologises to our daughter (Which she denies saying) but the problem is that it was sent as a Text that my wife has saved all these years, Apparently in another text (saved also) she accused me of keeping her Sister Poor although married to a Foreigner, Now those that know me know that this is just not the case. So for me, I just do not ever put myself or Azon in (many things) in front of this Sister or her family (Who joined on the bandwagon in defense of the Sister) Silence is Golden and although the Locals don't like confrontation, they hate the Silence Suits me but Since Lola passed on the truth is emerging and the Family are beginning to realize just who is at fault here.

 Steve, as we say "Let sleeping Dogs Lie asleep" because in the end "The truth will out" 

[mogo51]

1 hour ago, Queenie O. said:

Steve--Best to just let it roll off and not add to it.

Whist this may appear to be the best option, if as  suggested by Dave this particular person is 'whacking' his wife etc., then I see little value in letting it continue.  I suspect she might agree.

[Jack Peterson]

6 minutes ago, mogo51 said:

'whacking' his wife etc., then I see little value in letting it continue.  I suspect she might agree.

 Not too sure about this Ron, from what I have learned over the years here, it seems to be a common thing and Hidden in the family, We have some of this in our Barangay and the wife only comes out of the House when the Bruises are gone. It is bad but it is what it is and many families do not like intervention in Domestics, The Wife always seems to side with the Husband in the end. So for me keep your head down and let them get on with it and keep your peace of mind to get on with your own Life 

JMHO here 

[Dave Hounddriver]

19 minutes ago, mogo51 said:

if as  suggested by Dave this particular person is 'whacking' his wife etc., then I see little value in letting it continue.  I suspect she might agree.

Unfortunately, in the many instances I have seen where a filipino hits his wife, the victim does not seem to want to be rescued.  You can get her out of the situation for a short time but she will go right back to him the moment she has a chance.  This is not just me, as a foreigner, trying to help.  I saw the same situation where my ex's mother tried to help her sister (who was being beat up bad by her husband).  But the sister kept going back to him.

So remaining quiet, in this culture, is the best option because you cannot help those who do not want to be helped.

EDIT:  I do not know, and cannot know, if Steve's sister-in-law is in this situation.  I do know this behavior is common and there is a better than average chance that it might be the case.

Edited October 27, 2017 by Dave Hounddriver

[stevewool]

2 hours ago, Queenie O. said:

Petty gossip among families, friends neighbors  is a very common occurrence here for many it seems. Old grudges surface from time to time, and are not often resolved.  In the Western world many times  if a person has a difference or disagreement or if a person feels slighted or hurt in some way, they will speak directly and frankly  to that person to try to come to some mutual understanding or to iron things out. It doesn't always work, but clearing the air helps people at least it seems and it's a way of moving on from an issue.  In the Philippines for many folks, gossip behind the  person in question's back, and spreading a real or untrue story about someone is a way of sanctioning a person without having to face them and deal with realities that they might have some guilt or part in. If that gossip gets back to the person, they will no longer feel so responsible because it has been hashed over by so many other people already.

I even see my husband sometimes get involved with gossip in the family/old neighborhood now while living here now,  it is so firmly ingrained in the culture, and such a national pastime for many it seems. People forget though, that when they walk away, they are now fodder for the next grudge or jealousy, sour grapes driven gossip, be it true or not.

Steve--Best to just let it roll off and not add to it.

Queenie , you are like a agony aunt, I write something on here and you give a honest and a caring answer, i am not saying the men dont but coming from a lady it does sound so different .

Edited October 27, 2017 by stevewool
spelling

[stevewool]

40 minutes ago, mogo51 said:

Whist this may appear to be the best option, if as  suggested by Dave this particular person is 'whacking' his wife etc., then I see little value in letting it continue.  I suspect she might agree.

The family have tried to tell the sister to leave for what ever reason many times but she is still with him and working very very hard so he can live the life and send money back for his family, like a few have said some people seem to stay with what we see as a bully because when they are not drunk and abusive they are nice.

Remember this is what i have been told and what i have seen myself, " not the bruises or hitting"

[stevewool]

Thanks everyone, its better to vent my anger to the screen then to him as you say, he will never change , but it has put myself and where i am wanting to live in my thoughts much more .

[Jack Peterson]

1 minute ago, stevewool said:

but it has put myself and where i am wanting to live in my thoughts much more .

 Of course Steve this no just geared for the Fils, this problem is Worldwide so please never let this sway you at all

 

5 minutes ago, stevewool said:

" not the bruises or hitting"

Usually behind closed doors so no one ever really sees the Bully but Tsmis is Tsimis 

[Clermont]

Here in Oz, you can't even call your wife derogatory names, let alone lay a hand on them, it's called domestic violence and the women doesn't have to lay the charge, the police do it if by talking to neighbors, witnesses in the vicinity and if they think you have a case to answer, your gone. It's called a DVO and if you have one of them against you, do not waste your time to apply for a partner visa to Australia, new immigration laws. So all you HE men out there, " don't burn your bridges when you're young, at a later age you might want to go back over that Bridge". By the way it applies to she cats as well, if you're going to biff you're no good husband, make sure there's no witnesses.

[Mr-T]

Steve i can relate to your post. Me been married to the youngest of ten kids. My wife is the most thoughtful loving and giving person you will ever meet. Years ago when we lived in the U.S., before i retired we would send money to all family members here in the Ph. Put nieces and nephews through school, lend money which was never paid back, many thousands of pesos or dollars. When i retired we figured we would come to the Ph. as we feel my wife would be with her siblings and help her mom who is old. So we built a small house in the family compound on a 70 Sq. meter lot which we bought from one of her brother. After we built the house the brother came to us asking for more peso for the lot. Mind you the lot was already paid for and we had signed and finger printed receipt. He suddenly wanted to double the price after about two years after the sale. We just ignored him so now he hate us. Another brother we hired as a driver when we travel to Manila. Well he acted like it was his vehicle and he was the boss. Road bully and very unsafe driver, text while driving, pass on blind corners and you name it. Always showing off and when things does not suit him he tampo. Wife afraid to correct him because she is the younger one.  Eventually he fired himself by refusing to drive for us when we wanted to go out of town. So we hired another driver who was 100% the opposite of him and who we liked, so now he is out. That did not go over too well with him. He even went to the new driver's wife and threatened her trying to scare them in hope that our driver would quit. Our driver eventually went to his house and told him to stop what he is doing or else something bad is going to happen, so he stopped. Even if the new driver quit on us we would never hire the brother again anyway. So now he hates us. Her sister who also live in the compound, who we helped the most, very envious and jelous of my wife's friends and old school mates who would visit her, they did not like that. Anyone came to visit my wife this sister would drop what ever she is doing and rushed into our house plop down on the couch listening to their conversations. Wife afraid to send the sister away. While living in the compound we would often feed the whole family of about twenty people.  Because the little sister is married to a foreigner she is supposed to give then anything they want. These people always have their hands out but never give anything in return. 

Eventually we left the compound and sold the house to the sister at a under value price. The brother who sold us the lot was now more p----d. What i am stating here is just a small amount of the grief we went through with them. A lot of disrespect to us with no love for their younger sister. They all tried to bully her and me i feel as if i do not count. They came to our house last january and started a big quarrel with my wife which i was unaware of at the time. So now they are all banned from our home. I will not mingle with them, help anyone of the family any more. So yes we are holding a grudge if that is what it is. Silent treatment. They owe my wife an apology and if they cannot realise that then too bad for them. Even if there is an apology  they are still out because they will go back to the same old way eventually. Happens before. Few months ago the brother invited us to his birthday party but we did not attend, reason is if we go and break bread with them that will make them look like they are justified in disrespecting my wife. 

My advise to Steve is to just let it be.Take the high road. Please excuse my rant but my advise is to anyone here. Live far away from family members.