Mike's Musings - Advice

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I received an e-mail concerning one of the threads, and I believe myresponse is worth sharing."I have been corresponding with a girl" ---- First and foremost, I would NOT make any committments without coming to the Philippines, meeting her and her family, and becoming familarwith whatever area you are relocating to.================= "I want to rent a house, hire a maid and have the maid live in." ---- Yes, rent first for at least a year before buying or building. Thereis also much to be said for being a permanent renter.I would hold off on the maid for a while. When two people are trying to get to know one another, a third person living in the house is not desirable. They speak the same language, you don't. ================== "almost completed college, mo money to finish, living with a marriedsister and looking for work" ---- She will be extremely lucky if she can earn P3,000 per month. So muchfor her chances of finishing college without assistance. ============ "I suggested, that since it will take a couple of months for us to get the house rented, buy furnishings, and marry, that she lives with me, she will have a separate bedroom, if that is what she wants". ------- Where will you be living while looking for the rental house and furnishings? I suggest a hotel, and she can continue living with her married sister. Tell her it will give you the opportunity to look around to see if you are doing the right thing. ========================= "I told her I will pay for her to go to nursing school, or to pay for her to get her masters."-------------- Wait until AFTER you are married. =========================== "Her position is that I must employ her older sister as a maid, or that her sister live with us."--------------- Remember the Golden Rule. He who has the gold makes the rules. ============== she said we must have a large wedding with all the family and friends. I preferred a small wedding, and that we use the money we would spendon a large wedding to find where we would like to build our home, and begin to do that. Then she tells me I do not respect her, her culture, or her traditions. I ask who pays for the wedding, and she says "you must pay" I say in my country the family of the bride pays for the wedding, and if I must pay then I want to say how big the wedding will be. Again I get the "I do not give respect". I told her if her family wants to pay for the wedding, she can have as big a wedding as her family can afford. I ask "Dear, where is your respect for me, my culture, and traditions?" Of course this is not whatshe is wanting to hear."-------------------Let her marry a Filipino who shares her same culture and traditions. Ask her if she has any girlfriends who would like to marry a foreigner and share HIS life, HIS traditions, HIS money. When I came here, I had an article from a Philippine newspaper outlining who pays what for the wedding and reception. I told the family if they paid their end, I would pay mine. If all they could afford was a civil ceremony, I would still marry their daughter. If they were having an after-wedding reception, send me an invitation and I would attend. Then I furnished our house. On the other hand, if you have more money than you can comfortably spend, blowing $3,000 on a memorable wedding may put some of it to good use. ============= " I told l her that if I accept ( her demand that) her sister live with us, and to be the chaperon, we must negotiate and compromise on everything else. So am I being unreasonable? I do not want to begin a new life by being the patsy. I am not going to become the sole support for the family. Nor am going to have a life that is not comfortable for meAs I told her, it is better for us to live apart, than to live in a situation where we are not happy, or is not comfortable for both of us. She wants us to live together, and not to live separately." ---- Question. What is she giving that you cannot obtain elsewhere? What is so unique about HER? 90% of all Fililpinas are interchangeable, and therefore replaceable.Except for the mother of your children. In any relationship, business or personal, it is better to start offwith a "hard line" which you can loosen up later, as it suits you, than to start off as a patsy and try to change the image. Mike Farrell Cagayan de Oro Nine years in Paradise and wedded bliss.

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