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Setting Up Stakes (But Different)


scott h

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Steve brought up a good subject and I didn't want to derail his post completely. So here goes :no:

 

She mentioned "absolutely not. Where would you like to live?"

 

I do wonder if a Filipina who agrees to live away from her family area, will be happy with that over the long term. Even if she does agree initially

 

When picking a place to live, there are many, many factors to consider, climate, urban vs. rural, traffic and malls vs. rural and only wet markets, close to relatives and mooching vs. a different island free of family complications and naturally the big one MONEY, the expense of the city vs. lower cost of living in the bush.

 

In most cases we are the bread winner, we are older and wiser (except for Jake :hystery: , he is just older), we are more mature and used to being able to tell the difference between minutia and matters of importance, and most of us come from cultures based on rugged individualism.

 

But do we really take into consideration the cultural (almost tribal) backgrounds of our partner?

 

My first exposure to this trait was in the states when we were newly weds. I was informed that a relative was going to stay with us for a day or two. Now to me a relative is a brother or sister, maybe a niece or nephew, possibly a cousin (not likely). "Our" relative turned out to be the younger sister of a University classmate. I knew right then I was in for a shock. Even today I shake my head in amazement when I am walking around and I am introduced to someone and we are "related" 3rd or 4th cousins is not uncommon.

 

So in my case, I took it for granted that we would settle near where my where my wife grew up and had many friends and relatives to spend time with.

 

So as Chris mentioned, even though our partner might say "no problem, we can live wherever you decide". Knowing the cultural affinity towards family and friends, how much do we take their overall happiness into account.

 

:cheersty:

 

 

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But do we really take into consideration the cultural (almost tribal) backgrounds of our partner?

 

 I think most of us do to begin with but with a changing culture things do change it was my Wife's Idea to move some distance from the fold,

After a couple of years the visits are getting less and less, The Only time we see any of them is when the rice is low or they need money, to me this still says it all.

 OH! I know we must accept things as they are but our ladies are seeing the bad ( for want of a better word) side of things and realizes that if we are to complete what we started, Control over most things has to be done and not living in the families pocket is the start of things.

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I'm going to use an analogy that us older North Americans will identify with.

 

When Jed Clampett came into money he moved away from the family.  If a suitor wanted to take Elly Mae away from Uncle Jed and Granny while they were still alive it would cause a rift, but after the Jed and Granny had passed it would not be a stretch for Elly Mae to leave Jethro and the rest of the kin.

 

If my lady's grandparents (who raised her) were still alive then we would be a lot closer to her family but since they have both passed "Y" and I are happy living a good distance from the rest of her kin and she only thinks about going to visit once or twice a year.

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My s.o. and i have discussed this quite a lot.  She knows my views that I am here to look after her and hot her family.  But she accepts

that and has also said she does not want to live close to them at this stage.  She says that she does not want to expose me to the pressures of financial support for them, that may well arise.

 

She is still working ans ends money to her very elderly parents each month and I ask no questions.  I have stated before sh

paid for her children's education and forfieted her retirmeent pension along the way - that is me.  

 

In a recent discussion she told me that it was important to her that I be happy where we are living and that she can always move closer to her children and family after I kick off.  

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she can always move closer to her children and family after I kick off.  

 

 

It is one of those topics that can go on & on and quite rightly so but on the learning curve we have I think, to say Not only must we think about the Setting and cost, it is imperative to know as much as we can about the Lady and her family. Oh so many times we can read and hear "Oh I wish I knew then what I know now" Well said Ron here on this and this can also be taken into account when choosing a Place to rest our weary heads. More so if our ladies are a lot younger. If you get a good one, as 2/3 of my friends have, life can be twofold. The Here [Now] and the thereafter.(Theirs that is) easier said than done I guess but sitting them Down and saying lets do this for now and you can do as you wish later.

JMHO

 

 

 

 

 Little spelling Edit :thumbsup:

Edited by Jack Peterson
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My s.o. and i have discussed this quite a lot.  She knows my views that I am here to look after her and hot her family.  But she accepts

that and has also said she does not want to live close to them at this stage.  She says that she does not want to expose me to the pressures of financial support for them, that may well arise.

 

She is still working ans ends money to her very elderly parents each month and I ask no questions.  I have stated before sh

paid for her children's education and forfieted her retirmeent pension along the way - that is me.  

 

In a recent discussion she told me that it was important to her that I be happy where we are living and that she can always move closer to her children and family after I kick off.  

A practical woman. I admire that.

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We started out an Island away for the first 5 years ..... I came to realize that it would be a real hardship on J if I passed away and she was left with all our crap to dispose of and with out help from her family during this time so we moved about 60k away from them in the same island .... this we considered after I found out that the family (immediate family ONLY .... all others need to get a job) never asked for anything and what we gave them they appreciated immensely .... we both felt good about this move and after 3+ years it has proven to be ideal .... ex. we just found out last week that her younger brother has diabetes and J was able to go down there and show him how to use his glucometer and what he should and should eat as well as taking his meds ... we also go down and bring a bag of rice and other items that we no longer use ... VCR ..... bunches of CD's .... clothes ... pots & Pans etc. ..... we also wired their house a couple of years ago and plan on paying for a new well during the dry season .... all these things we did and not one did they ask for anything .... 

 

Point being it has worked out for us but may not work in every case .... to each his own ....  :tiphat:

:cheersty:

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Interesting issue,  Im not yet moved to the Philippines yet but am considering doing so in  the next 14 months with a bit of luck.  But when the issue has arisen in regard to where should we live my girl has always said she is willing to live anywhere with me. That her family is independent and they do not expect me to support them. Of course this sounds great, but Im not sure what the reality will be when I am on the ground.  My girl has even said she was willing to move to Thailand as I have a soft spot for Thailand, love the food, and infrastructure is good, and rents are reasonable, not to mention a number of my friends will be living there soon. So based on what my girl has said it appears not to be an issue, but time will tell.

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her family is independent and they do not expect me to support them.

 

Its a strange society here.  It may be that the parents would not expect any support, or it may be that they do not expect to ASK for support (but they would be upset if you did not offer).  I used to get that a lot with the family of my ex and even my current spouse says she does not expect anything but gets put out when I don't read her mind and offer.

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Interesting issue,  Im not yet moved to the Philippines yet but am considering doing so in  the next 14 months with a bit of luck.  But when the issue has arisen in regard to where should we live my girl has always said she is willing to live anywhere with me. That her family is independent and they do not expect me to support them. Of course this sounds great, but Im not sure what the reality will be when I am on the ground.  My girl has even said she was willing to move to Thailand as I have a soft spot for Thailand, love the food, and infrastructure is good, and rents are reasonable, not to mention a number of my friends will be living there soon. So based on what my girl has said it appears not to be an issue, but time will tell.

Ynot, my wife has a similar mindset regarding being flexible (except for Thailand).For me I guess because the family is now a bit scattered-OFW's and big city migrants, parents are deceased, and the remaining family members still in ground zero are in their 50's and 60's and set in the way they carry on with their lifestyle-leaving the door open for us to decide to move away (anywhere) from where she was born and raised. I hope on my places to live topic, there's enough ideas-so my next trip will be a series of ceries buses, pump boats and puddle jumpers checking out different areas suggested

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