Negativity, a re-post

[OnMyWay]

Down below, I'm re-posting something I wrote on the forum over two years ago.

Why?  The "Is The Philippines Dangerous" topic had a lot of negativity in it, led by one or two posters.  What bothered me the most was the repeated theme I saw wherein if you posted something positive, you were viewing the Philippines through rose colored glasses and misleading newbies.   The OP seemed to have a hidden agenda to "protect all newbies from dangerous Philippines"!  Or not.  It is hard to figure out what his agenda is.  The other thing that bothered me is that I let myself get dragged into negativity.

The fact is, people can make a choice on how to view life and the world.  You can wake up and say I'm going to be happy / positive, or the opposite.  Of course it doesn't work quite like that and happiness is not always easy to obtain.  Being positive is easier to obtain and can lead to happiness.

The rose colored glasses are similar.  Do you see the morning through rose colored glasses or dark shades?  If you really had a chance to choose, which would it be?

I joined the forum a year or two before I moved here.  I researched a lot and read the negatives as well as the positives, on this forum and on as many other sources as I could.  There are many, many factors that led to the decision to retire here.

As Chris indicated, location is huge.  If you don't do your homework before you settle, you are not going to be comfortable and you, if you are a negative type, you are going to be really unhappy.

I knew I couldn't be happy surrounded by roosters, street vendors, etc., and that is why we chose Subic Bay Freeport and live on the ex-Navy base.  Safe and quiet.  We are very happy here and have a good life.  Do we have bad days?  Sure.  Do we struggle with life's obstacles?  Of course.  Do we see everything through rose colored glasses and project that to the newbies reading?  You tell me!  Like all the respected forum veterans will say to a newbie, don't listen to us, boots on the ground, get over and check things carefully before you commit!

Tomorrow is our oldest daughter's 12th birthday and I choose to view the day through rose colored glasses, even though my back is killing me and I was fighting asthma this past week  

Here is what I wrote 2 years ago:

We all are negative at times. Sometimes we go through a temporary spell of it. Some people are drowning in it.

There was a time, in my old job, where I was very negative. I was not happy with the company and I wanted to get laid off, so it made it easy to be extra negative. In the latter stages of that job, some of it was deliberate, so after leaving I apologized to some of my close co-workers. I'm sure I was a miserable bear to be around.

I consciously decided to try and be more positive. It takes work. I did some reading and found some solid material out there that was very helpful. There are excellent books, religious and non-religious, that can help many people. I sampled both.

I believe that negativity attracts more negativity. It is easy to spiral out of control. I hope that I am spiraling the in the other direction now.

So why am I bringing this up now? Lately, here on the forum, I have noticed a lot of negativity, led mainly by a small number of posters. I suggest that you might want to step back and take a new look at things. Perhaps some changes are needed in your life. Perhaps you need to come down from your high horse and consider the view from another angle.

From a Westerner's point of view, there are many negatives in the Philippines. You can make a choice. Focus on the negatives and be miserable, or find the positives and relish them. I am far from perfect and I am still working on it.

That being said, there are many wonderfully positive posters here one the forum, and I look forward to reading your messages. These posters are obviously gifted and even when discussing a serious or negative subject, their positive thoughts come through loud and clear! Thank you!

Thanks for listening. I will leave you with this:

http://www.marcandangel.com/2012/08/08/10-ways-to-defend-yourself-against-negativity/

There is little difference in people, but that little difference makes a big difference. The little difference is attitude. The big difference is whether it is positive or negative.

Have you ever met Debbie Downer, Negative Nancy or Pessimistic Patty? These people can be so entrenched in the bad things that there isn’t any room for good things to grow. They inhabit our families and social circles. It can be emotionally draining just being around them, and you must be careful because their attitudes are contagious. Negativity perpetuates itself, breeds dissatisfaction and clutters the mind. And when the mind is cluttered with negativity, happiness is much harder to come by. Here are 10 ways to defend yourself against negativity:

1. Don’t take other people’s negativity personally. Most negative people behave negatively not just to you, but to everyone they interact with. What they say and do is a projection of their own reality – their own attitude. Even when a situation seems personal – even if someone insults you directly – it oftentimes has nothing to do with you. Remember, what others say and do, and the opinions they have, are based entirely on their own self-reflection. Read Learned Optimism.

2. Spend more time with positive people. You are the average of the people you spend the most time with. In other words, who you spend your time with has a great impact on the person you eventually become. If you are around cynical and negative people all the time, you will become cynical and negative. Does who you are and who you want to be reflect in the company you keep? Start spending time with nice people who are smart, driven and likeminded. Relationships should help you, not hurt you. Surround yourself with people who reflect the person you want to be. Choose friends who you are proud to know, people you admire, who love and respect you, people who make your day a little brighter simply by being in it.

3. Be the positivity you want to see in the world. Lead by example. You can’t always save the world, but you can make the world a better place by practicing what you preach – by becoming self-aware, tapping into your compassion, and protecting your positive space. Doing simple things like talking about positive daily events, common friends, hobbies, happy news, make for light conversations with negative people. Keep the conversations focused on optimistic areas the person can relate to. You can disarm their negativity, even if it’s just for a little while.

4. Change the way you think. The one thing nobody can take away from you is the way you choose to respond to what others say and do. The problem isn’t the events that are negative. The problem is the way you react to those events. The last of your freedoms is to choose your attitude in any given circumstance. Complaining, blaming and criticizing aren’t going to change the situation. It is not always easy to find happiness in ourselves, but it is always impossible to find it elsewhere. Regardless of the situation you face, your attitude is your choice. Remember, you can’t have a positive life with a negative attitude. When negativity controls your thoughts, it limits your behavior, actions, and opportunities. If you realized how powerful your thoughts were, you would never think another negative thought again.

5. Focus on solutions. Negative people have an endless supply of pity party invitations. Don’t RSVP. Oftentimes people use negativity as a barrier to protect themselves from the world, which in turn blocks them from solutions that could improve their life. Instead, identify solutions. Don’t dwell too much on what went wrong. Instead, focus on the next positive step. Spend your energy on moving forward toward a positive resolution. Remember, when you focus on solutions, by thinking and acting positively, sound becomes music, movement becomes dance, a smile becomes laughter, and life becomes a celebration. Read Stumbling on Happiness.

6. Love whoever is around to be loved. Practice acts of kindness. It’s a lot harder to be negative when you’re in the presence of love and kindness. Be that presence whenever possible. Let your guard down. Talk to someone you don’t know straight from your heart. Compliment them. Don’t anticipate awkwardness. Just be you in that beautiful way only you know, and give them the chance to smile and connect with you. Sometimes a kind word and some attention from a friend is all that’s needed to turn a negative attitude around.

7. Provide support when it makes sense. Some people complain as a way of crying for help. They may not be conscious of it though, so their comments come across as negative complaints rather than requests. Show some concern. Just a simple “Are you okay?” or “Is there anything I can do to help you?” can do wonders. Resist the urge to judge or assume. It’s hard to offer compassion when you assume you have them figured out. Let them know they are not alone. People overcome the forces of negative emotions, like anger and hatred, when the counter-forces of love and support are in full effect.

8. Realize that life is a series of ups and downs. Acknowledge the negativity, accept it, and let it pass through your consciousness, thereby teaching you a lesson but not ruining your day. Life is full of highs and lows, but you don’t have to go up and down with them. We develop from the negatives when we accept them and learn from them. This cycle is all part of the human experience. Relax, let go a little, and enjoy the ride. Read Happiness Is a Serious Problem.

9. Concentrate on today. Too often, we carry around things from our past that hurt us – regrets, shame, anger, pain, etc. Holding onto anger is like drinking poison and expecting the other person to die. Don’t let these negative points from the past rob your present happiness. You had to live though these things in the past, and although unfortunate, they can’t be changed. But if the only place they live today is in your mind, then let go, move on, and be happy. You can decide right now that negative experiences from your past will not predict your future.

10. Let go and move on when you must. If all else fails, remove yourself from the wrong situations and relationships. Some people are like dark clouds; when they disappear, it’s a brighter day. Know when it’s time to let go. Letting go of negative people doesn’t mean you hate them, it just means that you care about your own wellbeing. Every time you subtract negative from your life, you make room for more positive.

It isn’t easy to remain positive when negativity surrounds you, but remember that you have full control of your attitude. Think of it this way: An entire body of water the size of the Pacific Ocean can’t sink a ship unless it gets inside the ship. Similarly, all the negativity in the world can’t bring you down unless you allow it to get inside your head. People who are able to discern the positive points in negative situations are the ones who prosper in the long run. So defend yourself against the ‘negative way’ and make room for a positive day.

[Old55]

Thanks for posting that. I think every member here has at least once gone negative. The fact is there are negative aspects to any place on earth. It seems the good things always outnumber the bad.

 

[Jake]

42 minutes ago, OnMyWay said:

 

Triple LIKE Don!  I do remember your timely essay about having a sour face all the time.  It was also in reference to another troll.  Well done sir!

[Hey Steve]

Triple like as well, Don. I used to post my opinion or input more in the past than I have over the last 6 months, because negativity (like with DaveWe recently getting unjustly attacked for sharing about the dangerous aspects of life in general... not being in the Phl "yet"-same as me) from some folks that has me reduced to only periodic posts now and then. To stop posting altogether would mean "they win" and I won't let that happen. I remain positive as I read posts from folks like yourself, Jack, Jake, Dave, I am Bob (wherever you are these days..) and a few others who eventually bring some balance to the forum which is really insightful on your part and shows you can see a negative situation in the Philippines, isolate it for just that, and then remind us, that's only that one issue-as the positive aspects will allow things to balance out; as any healthy thinking person should see life in general anyway--IMO.

 

Edited July 2, 2016 by Hey Steve

[davewe]

OnMyWay - Thanks so much for posting this. Something we all have to consider and the 10 methods were very helpful to read.

One of the difficulties about remaining positive is that in most cases our negativity has real causes and is based on real experience. So we feel justified to report those negative experiences. But somewhere there is a fine line between reporting something that happened to you, complaining about your life, and complaining about what others have done to damage your life.

For example, there's been lots of negativity in my life recently. My company fired/laid off 12k employees last month. It's impossible to go into work without hearing the latest rumors and complaints - some started by me  So what's the fine line between openly discussing what's occurring and what you fear might occur (getting laid off) vs. complaining about what a terrible employer we have. I am sure I have crossed that line a time or two. 

While sharing realistic experiences with each other is a fine goal it's also a fine goal to support each other when we have troubles and cheer each other on when we have successes. 

Edited July 2, 2016 by davewe

[chris49]

I like the post, Don, very timely.

Negativity can be a bit contagious, but the "Is the Phillipines Dangerous" thread took it too far. But the thread was not a total disaster, I actually enjoyed the read. The thread  had no introduction as to why the poster wanted such feedback, which lead to suspicion about his motive.

And some of this Anti Filipino stuff would probably be viewed as racist if posted in other countries.

Still the forum doesn't exist without new topics coming up. So still hope to see some.

 

[OnMyWay]

1 hour ago, chris49 said:

But the thread was not a total disaster, I actually enjoyed the read.

Nothing wrong with the topic and we need to discuss it once in a while.  This is more about the attitude one brings to the table.

[MacBubba]

I understand the causes for negativity.  It will take ultra rose colored glasses to block the existing poverty and lack of opportunity and underdeveloped infrastructure that are present.

What I do not understand are the negative sweeping generalizations made about the mentality, skills and education of Filipinos.  There are 7,100 islands.  Filipinos will tell you that customs and culture will vary from region to region.  Even within the same region, backgrounds and values will differ.

I am saying this broadly to those whose experiences have left them very dissatisfied with nearly all facets of their stay in the Philippines.  Your unfavorable perception of where you are and the people around you are not a reflection of the country as a whole. 

While I can appreciate that forum readers need to be informed about the disadvantages of moving to a third world country , I also feel that as someone who has had the privilege of experiencing the opposite side of the spectrum, I should present that side too.

I have met far more highly educated Filipinos than not.  In fact, I hold them in such high esteem that I try to research on their areas of interest and accomplishment so I can participate in lively discourse.  I find that they are so well informed, that they also know more than I do about generalities - the global economy, climate changes, North American and European points of interest.  I always come away knowing more after spending time with them.

They are a very gracious set, who will offer their help and applaud your success.  And, will leave the door open in case you need their help again.  Would they do it for everyone?  I honestly don't know.  But, for what it's worth, I have never observed the crab mentality in action among them.

Do they gossip?  I would say no more than most North Americans.  The Filipinos I know are far too busy to indulge.

Do they seem to spend an inordinate amount of time with family and friends?  Yes.  That is one area where I will agree that a sweeping generalization would be warranted.

Are they made to support less successful family members?  This, I have asked my wife.  Her answer has been constant.  She hears that it is an expectation in a lot of circles, but not in the ones she has close familiarity with.  In her circle of friends and family, the parents take full responsibility for their children, never expecting anything in return.  In fact, the parents take conservation of their legacy very seriously, even extending their munificence to their grands and great-grands.  Of course, some family members will do better than others, but no one is left as a financial drain to anyone.  With such parental generosity, the children do carry the responsibility to care for them in their twilight years.  Not financially, but with close supervision of their care and well-being.

I had not set out to write quite so much, so I will wind this down now.  I am sure that there are other good points that I have failed to include.

Thanks for reading.  I am not saying that my experience is a good measure of expectations. I just want to let people know that there are always other variables and equations. 

 

[OnMyWay]

10 minutes ago, MacBubba said:

Your unfavorable perception of where you are and the people around you are not a reflection of the country as a whole. 

Yes, and I will add that in some cases, the negative vibes you are feeling from a local in a certain situation may be a reflection of the negativity you are transmitting.  It is self perpetuating and spirals out of control.

[GPJ]

Excellent posting.  I have been here full time for two years and the one thing I dislike the most is negative expats who complain about the culture, the people, the food etc.  Why on earth do they stay here? They should just go somewhere else to become amazed that all their problems just go with them where ever the person decides to live because most of the problems live in their head.  When we go on an airplane to fly 7,000 miles away it is amazing that most of our problems go on the trip with us.