Reationships and friendships

[Snowy79]

Probably a bit of a vent but also interested to see how common my issue is.

About a year ago I was put in touch with a guy who had just been seriously screwed over by his ex wife.  It was a good ex forces mate that put me in touch with him and he was asking me to look after him as he fancied a holiday in the Philippines. 

We met up and hit it off straight away. I warned him about the usual con artists and requests for help that he would get and how women that wouldn't touch him at home will fall instantly in love with him. 

One of the things I laid on thick was multiple Facebook accounts and the womens love of Chismis.  

One year down the line and he's already got a son and live in partner. He assured me she was a good one as she hasn't the time for Chismis and only uses her 6 year old daughters Facebook. I'd joke that the 6yr old has a lot of old friends then, almost as if it was hers. 

I've seen at first hand how bad she is at Chismis as she is like the village telegraph. My partner got to the stage where she wouldn't visit her as she was so bad but I never let onto my friend the reason why. 

Yesterday I was playing pool with him and after a few beers I got the " I'm only telling you this as a friend line". He started going on about how my partner needs to learn social skills as she never visits or says hello. I pointed out that my partner has her own group of friends and to be honest all that his partner talks about is other people and their relationships and she can't stand it.

He got a bit pissed off so I reminded him that when he met her he was saying how lovely she is and that she's no time for chismis or Facebook yet she's the worst of a bad bunch here and she's never off of Facebook. I also pointed out she's never once came to our house and about the 20 odd times I've visited them she's never once said hello or anything else.  

He went off on one about how much in love with her he is and that they're getting married. The old adage about Love being blind has certainly kicked in. She allegedly got pregnant the first night they met and the kid looks nothing like him and the dates between conception and birth are a good few weeks out. 

I've dropped hints about the Mother must have strong genes as the kid looks so much like her and not him, even my partner and a couple of the other partners have noticed it. I knew she'd left her previous partner literally the day before he started going out with her and asked my partner if she knew who he was as she'd told her all her past. 

I literally spent 5 minutes on Facebook and so far have found 5 Facebook accounts she has used. I'm trying to keep out of it as much as I can but I can see him getting taken to the cleaners again by another women. 

He's talking marriage, buying a house and setting her up in a little business. Why does a grown man suddenly lose all commonsense once they meet a Filipino? I'm trying to bite my lip but part of me says he needs to see the real her before it's too late, another part of me tells me he's big enough to deal with his own issues. The sad thing is during our heated debate almost every ex pat told him they know plenty of guys that have been screwed over. 

 

Edited December 9, 2018 by Snowy79

[stevewool]

Sometimes folk refuse to be helped , but are happy to be used .

[bastonjock]

That's a tough one @Snowy79, it's a real bummer when you know that a friends being turned over , you are in a difficult situation,  I told a good buddy several years ago that his wife was cheating in him , it ended up in a fist fight , he came around about a year ago , he sat down and cried like a baby , he found out the hard way after she gave birth to a dark skinned child , it took a few years before he came round to apologise , I told him there was nothing to apologise for and that I new I'd run the risk of an angry reaction for telling him .

So perhaps you need to do some screen shots on those Facebook pages and show him the proof , set up a ghost account and trap the woman , perhaps you will loose a friend , it's not an easy thing to do 

[Old55]

From what I read about that Filipina she’s a gossip in a bad way but not cheating or other behavior like that.

He seems genuinely happy with her. Unless you know for a fact she’s truly done him wrong I would keep my thoughts to myself. I know you’re trying to do the right thing here but it’s a tough call.

[Snowy79]

8 hours ago, bastonjock said:

That's a tough one @Snowy79, it's a real bummer when you know that a friends being turned over , you are in a difficult situation,  I told a good buddy several years ago that his wife was cheating in him , it ended up in a fist fight , he came around about a year ago , he sat down and cried like a baby , he found out the hard way after she gave birth to a dark skinned child , it took a few years before he came round to apologise , I told him there was nothing to apologise for and that I new I'd run the risk of an angry reaction for telling him .

So perhaps you need to do some screen shots on those Facebook pages and show him the proof , set up a ghost account and trap the woman , perhaps you will loose a friend , it's not an easy thing to do 

I'm torn between commonsense and loyalty. Experience has taught me that when you get involved in relationship issues the couples usually blame the person trying to help out. The other half of me has seen guys pushed over the edge when they get screwed.  He's definitely in the pushed over the edge bracket 

I'm trying to convince him that he needs to get the child a British passport ASAP with Brexit coming up as things could change with dependants. I'm hoping when he has to provide details of his relationship etc the dates raise a red flag and he is required to take a DNA test. Fortunately his friend is dealing with another mate who has just found out the 5yr old Daughter he thought he has isn't his. 

My other option is to just leave evidence laying around for one of her friends to find. Within hours everyone will know. 

[bastonjock]

Your indirect aproach sounds the best to me 

[Arizona Kid]

9 hours ago, Snowy79 said:

I'm torn between commonsense and loyalty. Experience has taught me that when you get involved in relationship issues the couples usually blame the person trying to help out. The other half of me has seen guys pushed over the edge when they get screwed.  He's definitely in the pushed over the edge bracket 

I'm trying to convince him that he needs to get the child a British passport ASAP with Brexit coming up as things could change with dependants. I'm hoping when he has to provide details of his relationship etc the dates raise a red flag and he is required to take a DNA test. Fortunately his friend is dealing with another mate who has just found out the 5yr old Daughter he thought he has isn't his. 

My other option is to just leave evidence laying around for one of her friends to find. Within hours everyone will know. 

Some people just can't let go of a fantasy that they have let build in their mind. If he has been warned multiple times..nothing you can do but let him learn the hard way. Common sense is not so common with someone who thinks they are in love.

[Clermont]

Snowy, sometimes it's best to let sleeping dogs lie, just be around when he does need help. 

[Jack Peterson]

 @Snowy79

 Snowy mate, I envy you not on this situation, advice on an issue such as this, is not easy. Having had on a couple of occasions I had to sit and think, (what do I do/say) To me, sometimes, it feels like a testing of our own Relationships with Friends, They either listen or they Don't BUT "Damned if you do and most certainly damned damned if you don't" comes to mind. Best of luck to your Friend, once you have said what you feel needs to be said, Don't beat yourself up over it all, You have done all you can, When the ball is in his court, put there by a Friend, you have done your Bit 

[Snowy79]

1 hour ago, Jack Peterson said:

 @Snowy79

 Snowy mate, I envy you not on this situation, advice on an issue such as this, is not easy. Having had on a couple of occasions I had to sit and think, (what do I do/say) To me, sometimes, it feels like a testing of our own Relationships with Friends, They either listen or they Don't BUT "Damned if you do and most certainly damned damned if you don't" comes to mind. Best of luck to your Friend, once you have said what you feel needs to be said, Don't beat yourself up over it all, You have done all you can, When the ball is in his court, put there by a Friend, you have done your Bit 

Thanks.  It's a tricky one as he has a bit of a split personality.  He's the nicest guy going if you need anything and would give you his last peso, but on the other side he's pretty confrontational and won't back down from authority even here in the Philippines.  A few times I've had to pull him aside and warn him off about how he deals with certain people.

My concern is he has built up such a fairytale life with this girl that he will snap if he finds out.  He's already said that if his partner even tries to take his son from him it'll be the last thing she does and I know he means it.

I'll probably bide my time but drop a few subtle hints until it all blows up. At this stage of the game I think there will be less damage done than if he does something stupid like getting married to her.