Being used

[stevewool]

There is nothing worse then thinking you are being used or have been used.

Once you do find out that is what is happening you have two ways to go, you can stop it or let it carry on, it’s that simple.

In my short time of being involved with a Filipina I have been diddled out of a few things , nothing major just a few items and a little cash, but once I found out , she was dumped straight away.

The next time I thought I was being used was when I married one , life was great for a few weeks then it was can you send money for hospital bills for the kids, now this was not sent to me but to my wife, but as it’s my money I had a say in this, the problem is it’s not lots of money they are asking for but little amounts and this is where it can get messy, do you send the money because they are making you feel guilty about the kids, so you send it.

Then the next time it’s for something a little bigger, school fees, and again it’s sent to the wife to make her feel guilty, and on and on it goes, money for a car , money for bills .

This is where you have to make a stand either tell your partner to tell the people to stop doing this or you go direct to them all and say NO MORE, and stick to that, yes you can still give money gifts for presents on birthdays and Christmas .

Its good to give and even better to receive but being involved with the Philippines make sure you are in control of your wallet and brain .

[Mark57]

I have been with my pinay wife as fiance and wife for several years now.  Having heard the experiences of others I told her we will not financially aid anyone but her mother. They know we have helped her. the others?  zip nada nothing and blame it on me.  But in realty she is unhappy with relatives who have asked her and when my stance on giving was known the requests pretty much went away.   Now would I help a close family member if there is a genuine need - probably yes but it will be my giving not their asking.

[Old55]

Great post Steve.

 It’s a confusing situation. If we give to one for any reason then there could be expectations all others are entitled. Exceptions to this may cause serious problems later. If there’s a clear answer to this I wanna know!💵💵💵💵💵💵💵

[expatuk2014]

Been married  to my filipina wife for 17yrs, yes we sent money to the Philippines while we were in the UK

But it was only for help with funerals and the mothers living expenses.My wife always said she would not send money for college fees and cars etc. And we never did, even now we will help with medical costs but up to a limit, but we spent quite a lot when her mother was taken ill but for me its part of being married and iregarded her as my mother as well. We pay for food  water,internet and cable which the sister uses but she pays when we eat out. Im happy the way things are. Most of the family have good jobs so its rare we get asked for money.

[RBM]

Being involved wth a partner from a third world country does expose one to risks as mentioned. We are all aware the health care system here  is extremely limited, for those without funds.

My partner has never asked for financial assisted, she runs her own small profitable business plus owns a house. During my serious injury 2 years ago her sister was a jewel to myself and partner. She was an angel, so loving, caring and totally selveless. Took weeks off her perminant job to support and stay with us us, all through care and love. Asked expected absolutely nothing.

Now fast forward she has been sadly diagnosed with thyroid cancer. We are talking large money here, something my partner even with sisters savings  cannot meet. I mention this to point out even the best wife's,  girlfriends, cannot put us under financial stress. Especially so if we simply don't have the funds.

[gbmmbg]

My wife and I have been together for 34 years. I used to tell myself " life is hard in the Philippines". It made me feel better when I was ripped off by her siblings. However her family continued to steal from her even when they got to the USA. Her two sisters transferred land out of her name and sold it for 6.6m. Now we have to drag them into court to get her land back. It took me a long time to understand that Being poor is no excuse for being a thief.

[Gratefuled]

My extended stay in the Philippines is for my wife and only her. Her commitment to her parents is normal. It is an old world custom to take care of your aging parents. That responsibility lies mainly with their daughter. Wife has no sisters and 2 brothers have died. We have contributed money for the medical expenses of one brother who passed away. This was done voluntarily on my part. We help sometimes financially with nieces education (college ) but not on a regular basis. 

I do not have any needs other than  a loving wife and I have one for this I am very grateful and show my gratitude financially but on a limited basis. My financial future is secure. My main concern is my health. I try to live a healthy life style. I owe it to my children grand children and my wife. I do not want anyone to worry about me. 

It's good to know for your sake that you found this out sooner better than later. 

Good Luck and Good Health

[RubberChicken]

I like these posts because it took me so long to “get it”. Feels personal. Sounds so elementary but the key is having strong boundaries. They will not like you at first but they will adjust and the payoff is stopping the cancer before it grows. Once you are consistant they give up. The honest ones will not be threatened by it. My opinions.

[sonjack2847]

I have never been asked for money but I have sent it.Each persons experience may be similar but are all different.When somebody is tugging with your emotions it may be hard to see a scam at first.Actually the last time I gave money for  hospital treatment, for my niece, my wife told me it was too much.I suppose it is easier when you are here full time to see what is actually happening,if you are 1000s of miles away then the emotion to help becomes even stronger especially when it is somebody very close and dear to you.

[Anselm]

Good post. You're right, it always starts small and then builds. I also got asked once to "lend" for a car payment. A car that sits on the drive and never gets used.

I've siphoned out some of the extended family and chosen others who are actually very trustworthy and (importantly, it seems) hard working. The ones who work for it tend to realise that money comes from effort and not from pure luck. They also don't have so much time to go around asking everyone else.

I've been burnt a few times and now most of them know not to bother. 

But they do this to each other too. They always find the ones they think are weak or emotional, for example the seaman's wife, and then it all gets hidden away and "forgotten" - so they do it again.