Asawa Ko Issues - The Novela

[Jack Peterson]

1 minute ago, ITGeek said:

Well said!  I've bit my tongue so many times,

 Time to act then in my Mind But IT, If you can say these things here to Total Strangers I have to wonder if you have actually sat and said it all to the SO, we all get to a similar stage in our relationships and it is only by talking that you will ever get to the Root cause, maybe, a few days away just you and the Wife will yeald some basis to continue because my Friend, if things don't change they will surely stay as they are  It is easy for us to reply and post our thoughts/advice but only you and she can come up with a solution, Have you honestly sat and thought just what do You want  because only you can answer that, Not harsh talk but realistic  Best of luck with this remembering that no one ever said, life was easy 

[ITGeek]

Moderator(s), feel free to move this reply to correct forum topic if needed.

In regards to moving, I'm looking for a  simple but good condition/safe brgy 72 sqm2bd/1ba (westerner style bathroom) bahay located in Zambales, preferably along coast between  San Antonio and Iba for under 30k php/mo rent or under 750k php to buy.  I also understand they have PLDT Home Fibr available along that area.  Something important for me is to have high speed internet access for streaming video and video chat with family in US.

I can save $2,000/mo in my US account for 5-6 mo's before moving out.  Renting or lease to own is also option.  I'm looking for a more secluded and peaceful area to live on my own.  That's why I'm avoiding Subic/Angeles areas.

Thanks!

[Arizona Kid]

10 minutes ago, ITGeek said:

Well said!  I've bit my tongue so many times, but you know how it's all about saving face here in the PI's.  I'm the foreigner living in her family house, surrounded by her family.  So I've avoided confrontation, as you know the foreigner will always lose here in all aspects.  It's their country and also wouldn't be able to outrun her relatives chasing me down with bolo's.  

I'v'e been a foreigner living here since 2002. First visited this wonderful country in 1971. You are wrong when you say that foreigners will always loose. Not true. Some people enjoy being a doormat. Are you one of those?

[ITGeek]

2 minutes ago, Jack Peterson said:

 Time to act then in my Mind But IT, If you can say these things here to Total Strangers I have to wonder if you have actually sat and said it all to the SO, we all get to a similar stage in our relationships and it is only by talking that you will ever get to the Root cause, maybe, a few days away just you and the Wife will yeald some basis to continue because my Friend, if things don't change they will surely stay as they are  It is easy for us to reply and post our thoughts/advice but only you and she can come up with a solution, Have you honestly sat and thought just what do You want  because only you can answer that, Not harsh talk but realistic  Best of luck with this remembering that no one ever said, life was easy 

Thanks!  You're preaching to the choir and I agree with much of what you said. 

I've gone through marriage counseling and therapy before in the US, so I have all the tools to use for communicating in keeping a relationship healthy.  I've made many reasonable attempts to discuss our problems and even ideas for keeping our relationship healthy.  As I stated in my OP, I suggested a "date night" once per month and two "family vacations" (just 4 of us not the entire klan) per year.  She continues to ignore my attempts to heal the relationship.  It takes two to make a relationship to work and I've been the only one to be making the efforts.  The reason I stated my situation here is because of the good advice and wisdom from its members who have been in similar situations here.  In addition, it's more to seek confirmation from the experts on my plan to move out.  I was previously advised to be covert/discrete in saving the money until I have the resources ready to move.

I'm not at a position of strength until I have the resources to issue the ultimatum and move out.  I've tried the discussing issues with asawa ko route and it's less painful than hitting my head against the wall.  So please understand I'm living under their house and surrounded by her family.  I may lack cahones to confront, but I'm not stupid either.  Best to keep my mouth shut until I am in a better position and avoid any type of immediate retribution. 

I'm just trying to get all my ducks lines up in a row before making the move. 

I also know the only things guaranteed in life are death and taxes.  Everything else is a roll of the dice so to speak.  

[stevewool]

My advice would be leave the family home and make your own home either there or back in the states ,if your wife loves you she will follow you where ever you go , they say that blood is thicker then water , but finance and security is up there too, the only problem I can see is your son and he may be the pin that holds you there if the family or the wife won’t listen to you.

I have tried to live in the family house for a few months it’s deadly as others have said I am not king or my wife queen of the castle we are just the bankers, but I have started to follow the advice I am giving to you, good luck but you must try to talk to your wife over and over again.

[ITGeek]

10 minutes ago, Arizona Kid said:

I'v'e been a foreigner living here since 2002. First visited this wonderful country in 1971. You are wrong when you say that foreigners will always loose. Not true. Some people enjoy being a doormat. Are you one of those?

Not at all, I've been there done that.  At the same time I just don't have the resources (money) to walkout at this moment.  I have to use a strategy of "The Art of War" in handling my situation.  Until I have enough money saved in my US account, it would like bluffing with a busted poker hand and going all-in.  I have to wait until I can take action from a position of strength. 

[Marvin Boggs]

1 hour ago, ITGeek said:

It is my impression should I decide to move out on my own, I would become "shunned" by her family.  However, my hope is to remain and live close by here in the Philippines is that I could still be a part of my son's life.

 

That is my impression too.  I think you have more options than you allow yourself, especially where your biological son is concerned.  You can do a lot better than hoping to be part of his life.  I don't want to sound harsh, but its time to assert yourself.  Permanent disability and not allowed to work?  Only in the Draconian States of America, but you are no doubt a clever guy and can find a suitable workaround.  Don't let the situation bully you around.  If you do stay in PH as you are planning, I hope you can insist that the two kids AND the asawa will be living with you.  At least until you or unless you are certain she is no longer interested.  But I suspect she will be     

[Balisidar]

ITgeek,

So you've established some decent timelines here but let me comment on her first child.  As you probably know, most times many Filipinas aren't hesitant to discuss personal things unless they stand to lose face or are ashamed.  I would suggest if you want to know more then have her first child secretly DNA tested.  I'll leave it at that.

Regarding your intimacy with your Asawa this all appears to have started around the time that you were diagnosed with dementia, along with the financial troubles.  There are some rather strange Philippine superstitions regarding various illnesses.  I'm not sure which ones might be coming into play here as I'm not knowledgeable about the area your wife is from but a couple of questions an d comments.

1) Is she pretty religious?  If so I would recommend having a couples session with her priest.  She may be willing to discuss things in that environment.  Insist on no other family present.  You sound like the type to want to solve your problems without an intermediary, but a priest might be a great option

2) Do you suspect she may be having an affair?  Does she suspect that you may be having an affair.  Almost as a general rule most Filipinas are insanely jealous.  Even general suspicions on her part may be causing a tampo tantrum.😀.  If you have any suspicion she is having an affair, we'll that should be easy to find out.

In large part it sounds like the family dynamics are causing a large part of the problems.  Stop supporting them.  And when you want to take your wife somewhere for some alone time insist on not taking along an entourage.  I know your living there with them but talk to the wife about leaving there together with the kids.  And the two island or 8 hour rule comes to mind.

I think personally that a move out on your own at this point isn't advisable until you've put your foot down about a few matters and have exhausted your possibilities.

 

Edited February 16, 2020 by Balisidar
Spelling, clarity

[Balisidar]

So I talked to my wife and she thinks that your Nueva cija girl (my wife is tagalog) is using you for her family.  My wife says this area is made up of poor farmers. Just to put some things in perspective, my wife and I have been married for thirty four years and we've had a few fights about supporting her family so we've compromised in giving money.  Bottom line we don't give much.

My wife also thinks your wife is messing around.

She was pretty frank on the subject and thinks your wife wants your money, not your heart.  She said your wife has no heart. She said be careful.  She also said she feels sorry for you 😢.

That's her Filipina take on things.  😂😁

Edited February 16, 2020 by Balisidar

[Guy F.]

Yikes. Tough luck, brother.

Good advice abounds. Gotta love this forum.