Girlfriends family

[manofthecoldland]

"Through the reefs of greed, to the shores of need" (L. Cohen),  is a tough passage to navigate in Philippine waters.

 

[BrettGC]

6 minutes ago, manofthecoldland said:

"Through the reefs of greed, to the shores of need" (L. Cohen),  is a tough passage to navigate in Philippine waters.

 

Huh, fellow Leonard fan here, great song 

Edited December 22, 2022 by BrettGC

[Joey G]

Is it really just the Philippines???  If I had $1 for every family financial dispute I've heard of (regarding borrowing, wills, grandparents giving kids money, favored siblings, who got what and when....blah-blah-blah). No boundaries regarding every walk of life, race, religion, ethnicity, country of origin.... $$$ is ALWAYS an issue and too often ruins friendships and families.  

Like Mike J put out there... it's always the people who need it most that ask least, and are the most appreciative... anywhere in the world from my experience. 

 

[Tommy T.]

3 hours ago, Mike J said:

As I read this I once am thankful to be living in the provence.  The wife has been busy the past few days packing up bags full of slippers, canned goods, rice, pasta, fresh apples and oranges, snack packs, milo, soap, toothpaste, shampoo sachets, etc.   Today through Sunday these holiday gifts will be delivered to the youth, families, and churches our ministry partner with.  We have never witnessed a disappointed face, each year it is a time of happiness and joy.  The kids are not expecting new phones and are excited to have a real apple all to themselves and a pair of slippers so they do not have to walk to school barefoot.  Their gift to us is to see them gorge on rice and spaghetti, happily singing Christmas carols, playing games, and showing off their new slippers to each other.  A few years back the family was criticizing my wife, "why do give so much to others at Christmas and not more for us"?  Lani told them; "We give to you what we can, what we give to others does not belong to us.   This money, these gifts, came from people who support our ministry and it now belongs to God not to us.  It is to be used to help provide for those most in need, not for us, not for family." 

L is very religious, I am not at all. However, she enjoys giving gifts to her relatives and a few associates. Mostly, these are hand-me-down types of things and sometimes new goods that she bought cheap or that none of us needs. I fully support that. We both try to help poor people or disadvantaged, when we can. I only try to steer L away from giving more than she and we can afford.

I do have an issue that I share with a previous poster. Only rarely, if at all, do any of her relatives give any gifts... I am not thinking of anything really substantive or of value...but not even hand-made trinkets or decorations? This really does irritate me... She has one sibling who, last year, asked for his Christmas "gift" to receive in advance! Sorry... but this behaviour irritates me, and even L... But she gave it to him anyway...

As my day proceeds, I think of other irritations... This year, as every year, L's family has a reunion. I am able to decline since I need to take care of our dogs since there is no one else to do that...hehehe... But, according to L, all siblings were expected to contribute toward the reunion - a stay in a resort on a beach, lechon, etc.... A few of her siblings did not contribute, yet L says they are welcome and she will also give them her usual Christmas gift of P500 each. I can understand the attachment to siblings and family... but the thought of this does irritate me. These few have enough income to contribute, but do not... I am still learning PI customs and may never really understand... L is beginning to understand - and believes - that if something happens to her health-wise or I am not around to help, nobody from her family will help her. There is only her and her older sister, who is also a teacher, who are the "Uniformed Workers," in the family... So they are expected to (and usually do) provide for the rest of the family...

My logic - flawed as it may be - is that, if you give away everything now, there will be nothing left to give away in the future. This does not include that we need to fend for ourselves for times of health issues or other emergencies...

Edited December 22, 2022 by Tommy T.

[Kingpin]

10 hours ago, Greglm said:

My wife questions people like this and asks why send your child why not you ?

Because they're busy making more children.

[hk blues]

Kinda related, we just had the security guard around collecting for the local Children's Christmas party.  There was a notice a few weeks ago which we sort of forgot about.  It was the 2nd time in 3 days he came to us as the 1st time my wife was out and I couldn't understand what he was asking about.  It's no big deal but I was kind of irritated that they were so pushy which makes me suspicious as to the final destination of the "donation" or at least that the source would be disclosed.  Luckily (for my wallet), it was my wife who answered so the donation was much smaller than it would have been If I were the one handing it over!

For the avoidance of doubt - I've handed out small amounts over this week to every person who provides a service to us but none of them asked or intimated they expected something, and were all grateful to receive it.  I just dislike the hand being held out.  

[Kingpin]

13 hours ago, hk blues said:

 I've handed out small amounts over this week to every person who provides a service to us but none of them asked or intimated they expected something, and were all grateful to receive it.  I just dislike the hand being held out.  

But now they will all have hands held out next year, expecting something.

I made that same mistake when I first got here, you're now the "Christmas money" guy and their act changes accordingly. I moved and still give tips, extra during Christmas why not, but only if there's a reason to give a tip in the first place.  This way nobody is "owed" anything just because it's December.

 

 

Edited December 22, 2022 by Kingpin

[Nickleback99]

"Welcome to the Philippines!" I'd say, or any other developing country where this occurs.   Wondering how long you two have been together?  As said umpteen times over on here and other sites over the yrs, you'll always be seen as the rich foreigner and as such have those expectations of you from some family, friends, etc and I know we all have hundreds of stories, instances, etc to share. . 

My wife has had to cut off high school friends on social media who kept asking even after she told them to stop, that she had her own bills, etc in US. Some were even more friends of her sister than of her.  I recall telling her early on when engaged that "I'm not a money tree," after getting nickel and dimed for normal life expenses of others, like bus fare of someone I never invited to visit and her response was "Don't ever say that to me again. I know you're not.", even though I could've been if I chose.  BUT, somehow or another she managed and rebuffed as needed a whole lot of the $ requests. 

Now, what we did  is set a specific amount (10K php) per month we'd send to Mom only,  affordable to us, and up to Her to manage as she saw fit in the family compound, but that would be all.  Well, she's one heck of a money manager who keeps detailed book on all of the money, which she wanted to show me, and she managed all of the expectations as the family matriarch and one tough, but loving lady.  Helping two daughters not so responsible to make sure kids eat and go to school, while acquiring multiple one room rental properties and improving them, and she & I have a wonderful relationship...Unlike many, she frequently thanks me for what we've done and how I've taken care of her daughter, since she was quite skeptical at first.  THey already had a decent house in the barrio from her time running a fish market business for yrs and once married, we added upper floor suite while I was in A'stan. 

Wife, totally on her own, had to cut off all the extended family, etc, including a maternal aunt who demanded we take her on every vacation we took mom & dad, one sis and brother.  It got Ugly, but my wife never backed down and now refers to her as her "Former Auntie"....wife won't even acknowledge her after all the insults after we wouldn't take her to Boracay, After taking her on others.  Yep, some people are clueless.  We also sent brother to college and he's making Good money now as a programmer writing code and developing apps.  We'll invest in those we think will  do well and help the family themselves.    Lastly on "stories", as an example how it can sometimes only get worse, we've a friend who was working Good job in the US and she was sending $1K per month back home!.And her very successful investing husband sent added $350 to mom & dad ...Well seems it was supporting whole barangay because even then she kept getting requests from non-family citing the usual excuses, till she cut them all off, closed all of her social media and went with new ones limiting access. 

My point?...Whatever YOU choose to do, if you don't manage expectations up front, it'll never end, But depending on the mom's role in family,  And make sure you really know her, if she's like mine?... I'd personally do enough to keep her close, sort of like the saying about "Keep friends close, but keep your enemies closer." , although mine is  certainly not an enemy.    If just someone demanding support?....Nope or very limited at the least.  

Sorry so long winded.....

Edited January 8, 2023 by Nickleback99

[Jollygoodfellow]

26 minutes ago, Nickleback99 said:

Sorry so long winded...

Be good if you could learn how to break it up as I could not read it and I'm sure others wont bother. 

ENTER on the keyboard drops the line down. 

[Nickleback99]

On 12/20/2022 at 5:30 AM, Viking said:

Where's my gift?     I also find it very strange that I so often get this question from people I never seen before!!!

Yes Sir!  That really did blow me away when it happened to me, same as people showing up to go to movies with us whom never met, never knew nor invited.     All were real WTH?! moments and amy wife did put an end to it quickly when I said, W....T....H?!