New Generation, Not Wanting To Get Married

[Mr Lee]

I am wondering if this is common nowadays, we have one niece who already had a baby with her man and he wants to get married but she doesn't, and then we have another niece whose boyfriend has asked her to marry him and she wanted to wait until they have had a child, now she is pregnant a few months and he wants to get married and now she wants to wait until the baby is born. Both of these nieces seem to feel that once they get married then they are stuck to the man forever, yet both of their boyfriends seem to be good hard working nice men, so I am wondering what the heck is up with this new way of thinking? Seems to me that many of the children born to the future generation will not really have a true father and I am wondering if that is going to spiral down even more and destroy the family unit in the PHL? Anyone else seeing this in their families or is it just an isolated situation with a couple of our nieces?

[Tomo_4T]

I'll start this off by telling you I'm only very young, and yes it is extremely apparent that these days women don't want to get into long term relationships very often, they would rather palm men off once they get passed the "Honeymoon stage" and find another man to repeat the cycle with even if that means struggling being a single mother. I'm only speaking from what I've seen, and only in Australia, but I guess the world is changing, people are changing... and for the worse in my opinion. Oh and WELCOME TO THE FORUMS TOM_4T.. haha

[No name]

Lee, go to tagged or Date In Asia, most do want to get married. Most say they are looking for a husband to build a family with.Perhaps to a foreigner.What may be behind some of what you have observed is what so many Filipina have expressed to me. Pinoy tend to treat them like property. The men often feel, and often the families back them up that a wife cannot refuse sex. It is their duty. That's a common belief in the Philippines. There is a law to protect them from spousal rape but it is rather weak. If she later forgives him, she can't later charge him. She probably wouldn't have to wait long for another chance. Families, for the most part would not support the Filipina for doing this. And you gotta know how important family is to most Filipina.I know a lot of Filipina that have been raped by husbands and boyfriends. One girl told me it wasn't rape since it was her boyfriend. Perhaps because she had allowed things to progress to a point to make it easy. It would be rape in the USA and likely to be prosecuted if her allegations could hold up in court. It is illegal here too but I doubt the authorities would have helped her much since she allowed touching.There is also the issue of wife beating. It goes with what I said above. It is common.Do you know that many married Filipina are not allowed to leave the home without their husbands? Yes, I know you'll find it to be less true in Cebu City and especially in Manila. But out here where most of he Filipino live, the boondocks, it is common. Not for MOST but still common. When Jessie would go to the bank, the bankers would hit on her and one commented "Its good your husband lets you leave the house without him." We are not married but commonly in Filipino culture we are seen as married, we are considered as married and as far as property settlements go, treated as married under the law. That's another topic... :)I don't think that most Filipina would do what you're nieces have once they were pregnant, but I have to wonder if that's not what is behind it. I find it surprising actually since the men seem to be good guys with jobs.

[Jake]

I am wondering if this is common nowadays, we have one niece who already had a baby with her man and he wants to get married but she doesn't, and then we have another niece whose boyfriend has asked her to marry him and she wanted to wait until they have had a child, now she is pregnant a few months and he wants to get married and now she wants to wait until the baby is born. Both of these nieces seem to feel that once they get married then they are stuck to the man forever, yet both of their boyfriends seem to be good hard working nice men, so I am wondering what the heck is up with this new way of thinking? Seems to me that many of the children born to the future generation will not really have a true father and I am wondering if that is going to spiral down even more and destroy the family unit in the PHL? Anyone else seeing this in their families or is it just an isolated situation with a couple of our nieces?

I believe that today's society (Philippines and western countries) tend to view casual sex as a non issue. You know -- slam bam, thank you ma'am. Recently I was educated by my teenage daughters that "hooking up" sometimes mean spontaneous sex without even knowing her name. You will see more and more Filipina college students gaining more independent spirit as thousands of them are employed at various call centers. With a steady good paying job they will party, shop and get pregnant. So much for being a good Catholic girl with all the western influences feeding down their throats via TV and internet.I agree with Rusty's comments that spousal/boyfriend rape are quite common and the victim usually remains silent. The so called Mother Mary effectwhere mental and physical abuse is kept hidden within the angry and silent majority of the married Filipina. Victimized repeatedly, most of them will remain humble as they suffer in silence. I also agree that restrictions imposed by husband/boyfriend is common as well. Many times the husband relies of tsismis (gossip) to exact revenge of the "wandering housewife", in spite of her complete innocence of going to the local bank or the public market alone. In my mind, the typical Filipino is possessive. Even though it's OK for them to have number 3 and 4, the wife or girlfriend is isolated by family, locked door or body guards.I am very fortunate to have a wife that takes a more affirmative action and has taught our two daughters to take no chit from anyone.Respectfully -- Jake

[ekimswish]

I've seen this all over our town back there, not to mention from my own wife. Many years ago (decided against saying how many), my wife was a wild college girl (no, no, not like college girls gone wild... i hope), and she had a baby with the town stud. He was tall, good looking, and the MVP basketball player, and his family wanted her to marry him, but her auntie and mom told her not to marry him because he was lazy and had no job. They were wise and knew his type all too well, so she listened and didn't marry him. She did live with him and his family and have another baby, but over time she saw that he was nothing but a drug addicted, womanizing, unemployed, gambler, and she had to go find work in a call center to escape the poisonous life they were living. NOTE: in the Philippines they consider you "married" in the court of public opinion as long as you live together, so they were considered "married" even though legally they weren't. So after working at a call center in Manila, discovering an affair or two of his on top of all the other dead-beat things he did, she told him it was over, and then went to work in Korea, where we met a little more than a year later. We had no problem getting married because she had her certificate of singleness (yeah, I know there's ways to get them under the table if need be), but we weren't safe to go back to her home town. Back there she was still considered "his" because he hadn't moved on yet. Sure, he went to the videoke and screwed working girls all the time, often with money she sent for her kids, and everyone in town knew it; but she was still "his" until he moved on with another woman. If we had shown up in town at that time, there's a good chance they would've attacked us and it could've gotten ugly. Saving face is a beautiful thing. Skip a few years later, and I'm supporting their two kids who no longer lived at his house, and he's gotten another woman pregnant and in his house, finally, and we had no problem returning home. Fast forward another year, and that woman has left him and he's got a prostitute pregnant and living at his house. Next year is anyone's guess. He very likely could've impregnated 5 or more women by now. The lesson is simple: no divorce equals no marriage. Don't waste your one "legal" opportunity on a loser. Onto what happens when they do split, I know a few couples in town who were legally married to others but separated and now live and have kids with others, and no one considers that they're not married to #2, even if they're legally not. Just what I've observed. I'm glad my wife never married her ex, and I'm pretty sure she is, too. Had she stayed with him, she'd probably have 6 kids, no money, no teeth, and a lot of "sister-wives" on the side.