Setting Guidelines Ahead Of Time

[Dave Hounddriver]

Any man who gets involved and does not set the family issue financial guidelines ahead of time, and at the very beginning of their relationship, may be in for a rocky relationship.

please, expand that......is that very common?Thanks

I'd like to offer some thoughts on financial guidelines. Some men give so much to their girl and her family that it could be said they spoil her/them. Filipinas of my acquaintance who come from poor backgrounds do not seem to be taught when enough is enough. Thus they will always push for more and more for themselves and their families until you are flat broke and have no friends. Then they wonder if you don't love them because you do not give any more. Her family members will do exactly the same thing.My wife laughingly tells me it is her job to ask for money and mine to say no when there is not enough. It is only partly a joke. If a person does not realize that this is the way things are then you are in for a rough ride.The man who spoils his girl will also lose friends. Your friends who have learned these secrets do not want you bringing your spoiled girlfriend around their house as it just creates discord at home. Picture the scene after you leave: She may say "Dennis' GF has a laptop and a desktop and is getting a new car and a new house and lot for her family and is going to Hong Kong next month. When do I get all that." Or similar scenario because this is all new to poor girls and they expect that if one foreigner can do it then all foreigners can do it. And when the girl is spoiled it is all over. There is no going back to the days when she was a simple girl.Its very frustrating watching guys do that because, after you have bought all those nice things for her and you are out of money, no matter how much you love her what do you do for an encore? Why not do all those nice things over a life time instead of trying to buy her all the things it took you a lifetime to save for in a couple of years?

[Art2ro]

I'm only guessing that approximately 8 out 10 Kanos (foreigners) married to their Filipino spouses usually get married to those who aren't doing well financially where therefore they will rely on whoever has a source of income via the foreigner husband, which many think always has money, in order to feed her entire immediate family! So if your spouse is in that situation and can't break away from her family, you're stuck with her immediate family as well as long as they don't have gainful employment and a roof over their heads to support themselves! To avoid that situation, get married to an indepedent woman who's immediate family doesn't rely on her for everything under the sun! If not, it will eventually come out of your deep pockets later after your marriage or during a live-in relationship! When I got married, I never set up any advanced guidelines when it came to my hard earned money, unless it was just for me and my wife! To this day in our retirement, it's just the two us in our own home! I planned it that way! It took many years, but my plan came together in the end! "Life Is Grand When A Plan Comes Together"! Life Is What We All Make It To Be"!

[Old55]

Yes, family financial support very common and expected in many Asian counties and cultures even sometimes in the West. It's more prevalent in impoverished country's as there is no safety net. So family's help each other and it is expected the children will help support mom and dad.Always keep in mind when you marry a Filipina you marry her family as well. It is critical you come to know and clearly understand all the players.Before a man and a woman find themselves at the point of marriage or other dedicated relationship the topic of finances, children, religion and family history and interaction must be clearly defined and understood. This must be agreed upon by both party's and her family or you move on.In the case of a Westerner-Filipina relationship it is critical that you know ahead of time if or not you are willing to support the woman's mother and father and if so to what extent that support would be. Then your wife or GF and all family members must be exactly and clearly made to know EXACTLY how and what to expect. Your wife or GF must truly agree to this and have your back on it otherwise that will be a deal breaker. No games or "up to you" BS!If you are unwilling or unable to support her family it is only fair to be honest about it at the outset of any relationship. If you agree to help with support you must be in a position to provide that support and do so. Edited.... Please note this is just my opinion.

Edited May 5, 2011 by Old55

[Mr Lee]

Any man who gets involved and does not set the family issue financial guidelines ahead of time, and at the very beginning of their relationship, may be in for a rocky relationship.

please, expand that......is that very common?Thanks

I'd like to offer some thoughts on financial guidelines. Some men give so much to their girl and her family that it could be said they spoil her/them. Filipinas of my acquaintance who come from poor backgrounds do not seem to be taught when enough is enough. Thus they will always push for more and more for themselves and their families until you are flat broke and have no friends. Then they wonder if you don't love them because you do not give any more. Her family members will do exactly the same thing.My wife laughingly tells me it is her job to ask for money and mine to say no when there is not enough. It is only partly a joke. If a person does not realize that this is the way things are then you are in for a rough ride.The man who spoils his girl will also lose friends. Your friends who have learned these secrets do not want you bringing your spoiled girlfriend around their house as it just creates discord at home. Picture the scene after you leave: She may say "Dennis' GF has a laptop and a desktop and is getting a new car and a new house and lot for her family and is going to Hong Kong next month. When do I get all that." Or similar scenario because this is all new to poor girls and they expect that if one foreigner can do it then all foreigners can do it. And when the girl is spoiled it is all over. There is no going back to the days when she was a simple girl.Its very frustrating watching guys do that because, after you have bought all those nice things for her and you are out of money, no matter how much you love her what do you do for an encore? Why not do all those nice things over a life time instead of trying to buy her all the things it took you a lifetime to save for in a couple of years?

Some great points that I never thought about Dave, thank you for that, and it is possibly why some here do not wish to hang out with people like myself who go back and forth to the states and who own our own condo here. I have had expats tell me that I am way above them and that hurt me because while we all make different financial decisions in life, we are all equals in most areas with the exception of our life's choices and their results, so what a person has, does not make them above anyone IMHO. My wife is still down to earth and does not flaunt to others her lifestyle and while I keep insisting that we pay someone to do the housework while we are here, so she does not have to do it, and so as to help another who needs the money, she most often refuses and likes to do it herself and on her own time schedule. So I have to disagree that all will become spoiled, and many ladies here tell my wife and I, that she is no different than before she left, yet more worldly and probably with much more clothing and shoes. :as-if: It is imperative that people know what they are getting into with family ahead of time and the pace they set while dating, can often not be changed while in marriage, so I have seen quite a few marriages break up because the guy basically bought his woman and her family at the beginning by overloading her and them with gifts, and then once married, no longer wished to shower her and her family with gifts, so down the tube their marriages went.

[Papa Carl]

Any man who gets involved and does not set the family issue financial guidelines ahead of time, and at the very beginning of their relationship, may be in for a rocky relationship.

please, expand that......is that very common?Thanks

I'd like to offer some thoughts on financial guidelines. Some men give so much to their girl and her family that it could be said they spoil her/them. Filipinas of my acquaintance who come from poor backgrounds do not seem to be taught when enough is enough. Thus they will always push for more and more for themselves and their families until you are flat broke and have no friends. Then they wonder if you don't love them because you do not give any more. Her family members will do exactly the same thing.My wife laughingly tells me it is her job to ask for money and mine to say no when there is not enough. It is only partly a joke. If a person does not realize that this is the way things are then you are in for a rough ride.The man who spoils his girl will also lose friends. Your friends who have learned these secrets do not want you bringing your spoiled girlfriend around their house as it just creates discord at home. Picture the scene after you leave: She may say "Dennis' GF has a laptop and a desktop and is getting a new car and a new house and lot for her family and is going to Hong Kong next month. When do I get all that." Or similar scenario because this is all new to poor girls and they expect that if one foreigner can do it then all foreigners can do it. And when the girl is spoiled it is all over. There is no going back to the days when she was a simple girl.Its very frustrating watching guys do that because, after you have bought all those nice things for her and you are out of money, no matter how much you love her what do you do for an encore? Why not do all those nice things over a life time instead of trying to buy her all the things it took you a lifetime to save for in a couple of years?

Some great points that I never thought about Dave, thank you for that, and it is possibly why some here do not wish to hang out with people like myself who go back and forth to the states and who own our own condo here. I have had expats tell me that I am way above them and that hurt me because while we all make different financial decisions in life, we are all equals in most areas with the exception of our life's choices and their results, so what a person has, does not make them above anyone IMHO. My wife is still down to earth and does not flaunt to others her lifestyle and while I keep insisting that we pay someone to do the housework while we are here, so she does not have to do it, and so as to help another who needs the money, she most often refuses and likes to do it herself and on her own time schedule. So I have to disagree that all will become spoiled, and many ladies here tell my wife and I, that she is no different than before she left, yet more worldly and probably with much more clothing and shoes. :as-if: It is imperative that people know what they are getting into with family ahead of time and the pace they set while dating, can often not be changed while in marriage, so I have seen quite a few marriages break up because the guy basically bought his woman and her family at the beginning by overloading her and them with gifts, and then once married, no longer wished to shower her and her family with gifts, so down the tube their marriages went.

Some very accurate and excellent points here! Not usually found in other forums. For myself and Ellie, I must admit when we met, although I did not have an endless supply of money, we had more than most. Unfortunately I left 100 times more behind when I left my old life for a new beginning in Malaysia/Philippines. Not to bore you too much, within a few years it was all gone, (my own foolishness and not Ellie's or her families fault) and I found it difficult to continue to support my new extended family to the same degree I had been doing. Still to this day with my current situation this comes into our daily lives, currently I have my brother in law staying with us while he is looking for work, along with a cousin, who at least helps now that we no longer have an Ama to help Ellie.I did not have the forsight or wisdom to plan my retirement, and therefore can blame no one but myself for our current situation. Additionally Ellie makes it clear to all her family, if we have it, we share what we can. If we don't have it....stop asking because we can not help.I too found it difficult at times with Ellie, when we would meet with some of my expat friends who did have the foresight to plan their relocation or retirement, as they had so many things that we did not have, and were constantly travelling back and forth (as we once did). Fortunately as I have said, Ellie never said a word, but I would see the look on her face, or hear the tone of her voice. This just made it harder as I realized it was I who failed her, not others who were just living the lives that they had planned for.Having said all of this..., we will succeed and learn from this experience. Those of you who have worked hard, and planned your future should not be ashamed or hide who you are, or change your life style for those of us who did not. Just be yourself, and if you are a good person it will not prevent others from also hoping that they to will be wise in the future.In reality, we still have much more than so many people around us.Carl