Separation In Marriage

[palu]

 

One of the things I've noticed about members of this forum is that there a balanced view of things.....not seeing everything as a scam. In that light, how would you view a relationship separation of 6 months or more due to distance, work, etc and one partner suggests visiting the other but was argued out of it by the other partner? At the time I considered this a very bad sign and was quit taken back that she was not happy at the prospect of being together and instead she argued that it would be spending money needlessly. 

Any thoughts?

There are so many details to look at before you can decide if she is scamming you. Do you send her lots of money each month.  

 

approx. 13,000 US in a little over a year and 1/4. She also lives with her parents. The scam is, as I now realize, the marriage was to tie me up and assure a nice steady income. I consider a marriage to be a solemn thing and not to be broken easily nor treated cheaply. I would have thought marriage would be treated more seriously in the Philippines then in the US. Evidently, not always.  

[palu]

Now if she told me not to come for a whole year, to save money, that's a different story and I would save alot of money because I would not be sending her any more of it. I meant don't pay through the nose for a ticket to stay a week or two if you are going to be having a longer stay in a couple of months anyway.

 

I guess it depends on the person telling you not to visit. If they have been an OFW before where they might not see home for 3 years, they probably know the value of money and personal life sometimes suffers in the making of money.

 

If you want to visit, why don't you just do it? It might be a pleasant surprise. Then again it might be an unpleasant surprise but at least you would know. If it turns out to not be a pleasant surprise, have a vacation anyway and chat up some girls at the wet market. Life is too short

 

I have to ask and I'm almost afraid of the answer. Is this woman someone you have never met in person and to whom you are sending support? If you had never met in person and they are telling you not to visit there should be bright strobing lights and klaxons going off and robbie the robot saying danger Will Robinson because if they really want to land you as their catch, they have to get you to visit to set the hook. If you have never met in person and she is really interested, she should be champing at the bit to get you there.

No, by this time we had been married for 4 or 5 months. I considered several options. Just going (getting off from work would not be easy)  I was so shocked by her response I had considered seeing a lawyer. In the end, I decided to close my eyes and wait to see how things went when she got here. In hindsight I should have gone to the lawyer. 

[BrettGC]

Hard lesson learnt mate, but from what you said in your other post - very heartfelt sorrow to read that - I think you were set up from the beginning:  1, for the money initially, and 2, for US residency eventually.

 

When you first had the warning bells ringing, did you try to investigate further or just let it slide?  I know it's hard to take the blinkers of love off when something seems not right, been there, done that myself.  Sadly, when we're in these situations we tend to be the last one to see it clearly, regardless of what everyone is telling you or evidence to the contrary.  

 

Take some time to think about where you want to be, as a person and in other aspects of your life.  Don't make any hasty decisions about the future though.  Brood, be sad, be angry, give yourself permission to go through the range of emotions you're now experiencing, it's human.  Stay busy, exercise, read, distract yourself with what ever suits you personally.  Regardless of the truth of the situation, you loved her, and you are now grieving at the loss.  Take the time, but don't get lost in it either.  

 

Brett

[Methersgate]

approx. 13,000 US in a little over a year and 1/4. She also lives with her parents. The scam is, as I now realize, the marriage was to tie me up and assure a nice steady income. I consider a marriage to be a solemn thing and not to be broken easily nor treated cheaply. I would have thought marriage would be treated more seriously in the Philippines then in the US. Evidently, not always.  

 

Yes, that is, imho, too much money. A family of four can live on that - my sister in law, in fact, does so, in a three bedroom house in Quezon City - so for a single lady living with her parents it is  more than she would need, and, (to put it bluntly) enough to support a "sideline guy"

[Jake]

Take some time to think about where you want to be, as a person and in other aspects of your life.  Don't make any hasty decisions about the future though.  Brood, be sad, be angry, give yourself permission to go through the range of emotions you're now experiencing, it's human.  Stay busy, exercise, read, distract yourself with whatever suits you personally.  Regardless of the truth of the situation, you loved her, and you are now grieving at the loss.  Take the time, but don't get lost in it either.  

 

Brett

Best clinical advice ever!  I believe all of us have been thrown under the bus but somehow we manage to learn from our mistakes.

Your PH.D in behavioral science speaks volumes of personal experience and more importantly, how to eventually smile again.

 

Well done shipmate!  

[sjp52]

You have a lot of time and feelings involved in this relationship. There is a company run by a foreigner in Cebu that will investigate your wife and maybe find out the truth. I heard it wasn,t to much money. You can email me if you want the info. No one can be 100 % sure of a partner but unless there are a few red flags we assume everything is OK. You have mentioned that you know it is a scam. How did you figure that out if you don,t mine me asking

Edited August 8, 2014 by sjp52

[MikeB]

I consider a marriage to be a solemn thing and not to be broken easily nor treated cheaply. I would have thought marriage would be treated more seriously in the Philippines then in the US. Evidently, not always.

You proposed marriage to someone you had never physically met. How seriously were you treating it?

[palu]

You have a lot of time and feelings involved in this relationship. There is a company run by a foreigner in Cebu that will investigate your wife and maybe find out the truth. I heard it wasn,t to much money. You can email me if you want the info. No one can be 100 % sure of a partner but unless there are a few red flags we assume everything is OK. You have mentioned that you know it is a scam. How did you figure that out if you don,t mine me asking

I did contract the pi firm in Cebu you mentioned, run by an expat recommended on another forum. I called it off... stupid me. As far as how do I know it was a scam? Too many pieces fit together. I do not believe  her parents were involved although I have witnessed alot of improvements to their home over the year. I am thinking of writing a letter to her parents explaining things from my perspective. I genuinely respect and am fond of her family.. I think we are out gunned here. The pc internet can both work for us as well as against us, and the pinoy  internet, everyone knowing everyone, is vast . My wife mentioned how one pinoy was playing this foreigner or another that foreigner. I guess I will be the subject of the latest story in this library. I will say, I was never comfortable with the fact that her hometown was so close to Angeles City (lapaz). She knew too many prostitutes and ladyboys for my comfort but I lived with it. 

[Methersgate]

I strongly recommend that you DO write to her parents, preferably by recorded post, and that you keep a copy of your letter.

 

You have (correctly) thrown her out, she is liable to be deported and she will come up with all kinds of invented stories to "put her side of the case".

 

I would not worry at all about her home town being near to Angeles. Some of us live in Angeles; it is probably the nation's major IT hub apart from what goes on in Balibago district - the same applies to Olongapo where I have lived myself, Very few bar girls are locals - the risk of meeting their fathers and uncles is rather too high for comfort and San Fernando is a relatively rich province. Most bar girls from north and central Luzon work overseas (typically Japan) and most of the girls in the bars of Angeles and Olongapo are from the South.  

[palu]

Does anyone know where and by whom I could get a letter translated from English to Tagalog? My wife's parents are not proficient in English