The Desire To Help The Family

[daisy]

One of the most common cause of mis-understanding for any foreigner-filipino relationship is the desire to help the family financially by the Filipino. This is a culture deeply rooted in us and this must be something a foreigner must have to understand before even considering a relationship with her or him! A Filipino will always by all means find any chances and opportuniities to help back home no question about it. You don't need to be so gallant and frugal about it but what is most imposrtant is your understanding on the matter. There is nothing that can't be agreed upon over a cup of coffee!

[Mr Lee]

I always tell anyone who is thinking about marrying a Filipina, that the first thing they have to work out is what will be expected of their wife by her family. I did not know that going into the relationship because I had no one to tell me that, and there were no computers back then, so it has caused us some minor problems over the years, but nothing that love could not conquer. I think the main problem I see, is that the family actually often tries to take advantage and that is something I cannot and will not tolerate. Giving someone money for food or to improve their lives is OK but giving them money to flush down the toilet is not something I am willing to do anymore because I can have fun flushing my money down my own toilet with my wife by my side and that is why we decided to give money for food that we have a trusted person buy and college, although even that did not work out very well either with only one graduate out of the six we sent, and of course those ever so often emergencies, but only the ones we can verify. :23_11_62[1]: It is amazing how the request stop when you ask for the doctors names and phone numbers or the hospitals phone number or whatever contact info may be needed. Family pressure on our wives is a major problem to reckon with and if your lady does not have the constitution to stand up to her family, problems in the marriage will follow for sure.But once you work out all those things. :SugarwareZ-037:

[Mr Lee]

After rereading my last post, I believe I am coming off as very cynical. I think I may have earned the right to be cynical, after living both in the USA and the Philippines during the 14 plus years of marriage to my angel of a wife who puts up with me, and after having spent tens of thousands of dollars that I feel most of which were more or less wasted, with little change in how our family now lives.I have come to the conclusion that it only pays to help those who actually want to help themselves. In other words, if a niece or nephew goes out and gets a job to put themselves through college or even high school, then that person deserves to be helped. If a person goes out and gets a job or starts a business, then maybe that person deserves to be helped to improve their business or to help with items that might make them more successful in their jobs, but IMHO try to give tangible items and not cash as much as possible.Now, I do not want anyone to think that we do not help our family, we bring clothing and essentials all the time from the states to give them and we make a party when we visit them and buy foods that many of them would not otherwise get to eat. Like pigs, sacks of rice and a lot of chickens etc. I guess the point I want to make to those of you who have not yet been involved or are already involved, make them earn what you give them if you can, except of course for special occasions. If you have a house, make them clean or paint or fix the roof or wax your car, or whatever but make them work for the money you give them and buy them essentials they need, but don't just give money too often because IMHO it will all too often just be wasted.One of the worst things that I have seen happen, is when we sent some of our nieces and nephews to college, their families would harp on them to ask us for more money so that they could give some of it to the family. I think many of the families are way too short sighted to understand that once their child graduated and got a job, then the money would flow in and help them and that money I gave for college was for just that and not for their family so called daily emergencies. I think that may be part of the reason for the failures of some of those we sent to college, and others can directly be blamed on my giving too much money at one time to someone who has never seen that much money in their lives. My advice, IMO set up an ATM account and put the money in slowly and if you live in the Philippines, pay the bills yourself and never give much cash to the ones you send to school. Check their grades every semester and if they do not get good grades twice in a row, bounce them out of college. Now you may ask why I say this, we sent a young man to college for 5 years, we paid for a course to prepare him for the test, he failed anyway. In other words, all wasted money IMHO because the money was too easy for him to sit down and really study and pass because uncle would always give more. Not!I must add that I am greatly disappointed and deeply hurt that after all the money we spent putting this young man through college, that he did not pass the licensing test that would have allowed him to become the first professional in our family. Anyway, that is just the ranting of someone who feels I tried my best, and every situation will be different depending on your families stature and wealth or lack thereof, so treat your own accordingly.

Edited October 11, 2008 by Mr. Lee

[Mugs]

One of the most common cause of mis-understanding for any foreigner-filipino relationship is the desire to help the family financially by the Filipino. This is a culture deeply rooted in us and this must be something a foreigner must have to understand before even considering a relationship with her or him! A Filipino will always by all means find any chances and opportuniities to help back home no question about it. You don't need to be so gallant and frugal about it but what is most imposrtant is your understanding on the matter. There is nothing that can't be agreed upon over a cup of coffee!

thank you :7_4_17[1]: very important for me to learn.

[Call me bubba]

One of the most common cause of mis-understanding for any foreigner-filipino relationship is the desire to help the family financially by the Filipino. This is a culture deeply rooted in us and this must be something a foreigner must have to understand before even considering a relationship with her or him! A Filipino will always by all means find any chances and opportuniities to help back home no question about it. You don't need to be so gallant and frugal about it but what is most imposrtant is your understanding on the matter. There is nothing that can't be agreed upon over a cup of coffee!

thank you :7_4_17[1]: very important for me to learn.

SInce your still new to the FORUM , here are some previous Topics that can be VERY HELPFUL :woohoo:http://philippines-expats.com/index.php?/topic/9518-the-family-tax/ THE FAMILY TAX is very goodhttp://philippines-expats.com/index.php?/topic/10107-how-well-do-you-know-your-wife-or-gfs-familyhttp://philippines-expats.com/index.php?/topic/10539-what-positive-results-of-helping-filipinoshttp://philippines-expats.com/index.php?/topic/10508-attitude-of-entitlementhttp://philippines-expats.com/index.php?/topic/10496-are-we-most-often-taken-for-grantedhttp://philippines-expats.com/index.php?/topic/11209-pinoy-family-horror-stories

[Mugs]

One of the most common cause of mis-understanding for any foreigner-filipino relationship is the desire to help the family financially by the Filipino. This is a culture deeply rooted in us and this must be something a foreigner must have to understand before even considering a relationship with her or him! A Filipino will always by all means find any chances and opportuniities to help back home no question about it. You don't need to be so gallant and frugal about it but what is most imposrtant is your understanding on the matter. There is nothing that can't be agreed upon over a cup of coffee!

thank you :7_4_17[1]: very important for me to learn.

SInce your still new to the FORUM , here are some previous Topics that can be VERY HELPFUL :7_4_17[1]:http://www.philippin...the-family-tax/ THE FAMILY TAX is very goodhttp://www.philippin...e-or-gfs-familyhttp://www.philippin...lping-filipinoshttp://www.philippin...-of-entitlementhttp://www.philippin...ken-for-grantedhttp://www.philippin...-horror-stories

thank you i will read them. :7_4_17[1]:

[Mike S]

This is a very difficult situation to explain to a new comer especially coming from an environment that doesn't practice this ...... look at your situation with the family VERY closely ....... it may be expected by some members but not by others ..... in my case I along with my asawa have drawn certain guide lines when dealing with the family ..... first off I must say her immediate family is absolutely great ..... they ask for nothing .... they all work and have good jobs (Phil wise) .... and two work overseas ...... we give nothing and I mean nothing to the aunts ... uncles ..... cousins ...... if immediate family members need to borrow money (only two have) we work it like this ..... if you need 2000p we will LONE you 2000p you are expected to pay it back ..... if you do not and want to borrow more the answer is no ..... if you pay back 1000p and need to borrow more you get up to 1000p more (original loan amount) and no more until it is paid back ...... so far we have been paid back each and every time .... no problems as long as EVERYONE understands ..... now there are exceptions such as immediate family emergencies .... like when my asawa's farther got sick and passed away .... we paid (along with the brother in Canada) the vast majority of the expenses with no thought of getting paid back ...... we also send a small amount each month to her mother now for what ever she wants to do with it ..... (she lives with my asawa's sister) ..... and get this ... she saves most of it ..... she called the other day and was giggling (Filipinas do that you know ... giggle) and said she had saved up almost 8000p so she was going to fly to Manila to see the other sister ...... As Mr. Lee brought out you can get taken to the cleaners by ungrateful family members real quick like ...... some will actually quit their jobs and sit on their butt and wait for you to support them ..... but each situation is different ..... and just so you know and don't feel bad ..... some Filipinas will also treat their Filipino husbands the same way especially if they work overseas ..... I feel so sorry for my poor brother-in-law ..... his wife and her family is screwing him royally ...... while they live high off the hog .... but I don't want to get started on that ...... makes my blood boil ....Anyway go into any relationship with both eyes open and ask questions ...... if you don't get things straightened out in the beginning it is generally way to late to do it later ..... and don't be afraid to set some ground rules ...... if you are shown to be passive or weak YOU WILL BE TAKEN ADVANTAGE OF........ but then ain't that the way no mater where your are or who your with ................. IMHO

[Art2ro]

Mike S,Good to see you back posting again! Your avatar always make me laugh! Is that really you in person? Your posts are to the point and and sometimes funny and uplifting! You totally get the extended family thing! You live by example the way a foreigner should do in the Philippines and not by how they can influence you to do things not in your nature or theirs! Art

[Jake]

......Anyway go into any relationship with both eyes open and ask questions ...... if you don't get things straightened out in the beginning it is generally way to late to do it later ..... and don't be afraid to set some ground rules ...... if you are shown to be passive or weak YOU WILL BE TAKEN ADVANTAGE OF........ but then ain't that the way no mater where your are or who your with ................. IMHO

I believe you have put some spice here in jump starting the forum activity again. Appreciate you comingback with some bulls eye comments, like the one above. That should be set in stone somewhere for usexpats to kneel down and pray each and every night: I shall not be a fussy, no matter what my wife or GFsays otherwise.....he, he.I'm a veteran of 26 years of marriage to a strong Filipina with a customized dog house to lick my wounds.Good boy ako -- Jake

[Tatoosh]

There is a cultural or social aspect to this as well. Once you are married to a Filipina her family will have a new set of expectations set on them too. I do not hand out money much and they don't ask for it. So, in that respect, I'm very lucky. I do help a bit and I have spent quite a bit of money putting brothers through school. But they studied hard and did not waste it. They understood it would quit in a heartbeat if I thought they abused the privilege. Plus they are honest guys, so it's not like they were looking for a way to get paid for taking it easy. First brother finished a 3 year electrical engineering associate degree and passed the PRC Master Electrician exam on his first try. So he did spend some time studying. Second brother is almost three quarters through his HRM degree. He lives with us so I see his grades and sometimes review his work when he asks. No farting around there.But I have a sister-in-law living with us and she doesn't want me to take her to school. Why? Because I'm ugly. Okay, not really. I may be ugly, but the reason really is that she'll get hammered with requests to buy classmates this or that once they see she has a kano in the family. Mom and Pop back on the home island get that too. The "You're rich, you've gotta Kano" attitude. They feel pressure from their friends and neighbors. And we all know the power of peer pressure.Luckily my wife understands my views and is willing to buffer the requests. And I've tried to understand and be sensitive to the situation she and her family are in. Plus with two sons going to college, they understand that is pretty much what they get and the sons will have to help them once they graduate. I expect my wife, when working in the USA, will send more to the family. No problem with that, even if I may not agree what it is spent on. She earns it, she spends it how she wants.It is a different culture and it has some very good aspects and some negative ones. For a good relationship, I needed to understand her needs and try to view it from her and her families perspective as well. I don't agree with all of what they ask, but I understand there is a lot of different dynamics at work. I do feel for Mr Lee because when you put out your own hard earned money and you see if wasted, it does really burn your butt! Or getting "fictional stories" to promote some extra pesos for whatever, I'd be livid. And I am sure I'd be just as harsh or harsher. Totally short sighted on the relatives part and they end up getting what they deserve ... nothing!

Edited January 12, 2012 by Tatoosh