Silent Treatment

[californiaman]

Ok, i really need some help with this, I have been living in the visayas for 4 years now, fell in love lived together, broke up, lived together, broke up, got married! thinking that would cure it all, had a baby, one month old now, My wife has really gone silent, hasn't said one word to me since december 22. I try and try to get her to talk, then I just go silent with her, thinking she will come around. I don't even know what I did, she will text me from the next room, rarely. she sleeps on the floor in the other room, right next to the mattress! she text me the other day and said she wants out of this, she wants 250,000 and she will go away and leave me alone. I don't want this. I don't think in her state of mind she should be in control of money like that, she is a city girl, great english. Always been a little maldita but this is too weird. I have told her I want to take her to a doctor, she texts me and says, "no way, nothing wrong with me" I talked to her family. She says she can make trouble for me if I don't give her this money. I wonder what the child support laws are here, I would be much happier paying by the month and having a court order. What are the laws for this here, If I took her to the doctor it would have to be by force and I dont want that, anyone have any input. The silence is so loud!

[Dave Hounddriver]

Welcome to the forum. Too bad about your circumstances. It doesn't sound good. The laws on child support vary so much, depending on the circumstances. For example, a German national I know pays only a couple of thousand Pesos a month but an American in similar circumstances pays a small fortune. It appears the US government gives the American extra pension money for having a child and that has to go to the mother.You need a lawyer as this is only anecdotal evidence from 2 cases but it shows how varied it can be.

[Mr Lee]

Ok, i really need some help with this, I have been living in the visayas for 4 years now, fell in love lived together, broke up, lived together, broke up, got married! thinking that would cure it all, had a baby, one month old now, My wife has really gone silent, hasn't said one word to me since december 22. I try and try to get her to talk, then I just go silent with her, thinking she will come around. I don't even know what I did, she will text me from the next room, rarely. she sleeps on the floor in the other room, right next to the mattress! she text me the other day and said she wants out of this, she wants 250,000 and she will go away and leave me alone. I don't want this. I don't think in her state of mind she should be in control of money like that, she is a city girl, great english. Always been a little maldita but this is too weird. I have told her I want to take her to a doctor, she texts me and says, "no way, nothing wrong with me" I talked to her family. She says she can make trouble for me if I don't give her this money. I wonder what the child support laws are here, I would be much happier paying by the month and having a court order. What are the laws for this here, If I took her to the doctor it would have to be by force and I dont want that, anyone have any input. The silence is so loud!

Silent treatment (Tampo) is not an unusual thing with Filipinas because most usually wish to be non confrontational, but from what you are writing here, it has now gone to the extreme now, and has gone on way too long, and now appears that you may have injured her numerous times, and it has now gotten to the point that she no longer wishes to be with you at all. The time for figuring out what you have been doing to cause this is long past due, but maybe there is still hope since most Filipinas are family orientated. From my experiences each injury builds up until it might be impossible to heal, and that seems to be the point you may have reached. It is hard to know what you did without seeing you two interact, but my speaking emphatically to my wife at times is one problem I have had with her in the early stages of our marriage, where she felt I was yelling at her, and with other people it has been them actually yelling at their wives or talking down to them because their wives do not do things the way they were used to them being done. I have seen numerous relationships deteriorate and then dissolve because of that. I do not believe we have any Filipino lawyers on the forum so that would be my advice if you will end up apart, for you to seek a good one out and probably one that is not close to where you live, or even on the same island, to avoid the possibility of them knowing, or being friends with your wifes family or friends, and thus not treating you fairly. If you wish to save the marriage, then I would suggest you speak with the local religious leader and tell him nicely and without insulting your wife at all what has transpired and see if he will talk to her. Another idea is to speak to the barangay captain and see if they could intervene and talk to her. My idea would be those and to try to win her back by showing you do truly love her, but since it appears from what you have written above, that you have not learned what you are doing each time that it has happened, then you would be destined to do it again and again unless you figure it out and correct your ways with her, and open the lines of communication. Now I am not saying you have done anything wrong by our culture, I am saying that you have probably done something wrong in her eyes and her culture and done it many times, and you need to adjust if there is to be any chance of your having a happy relationship. I wish you the best of luck.

[Art2ro]

Since you mentioned that your wife recently gave birth, do you think She may have a mental disorder due to Post Natal depression? You have just described the behavior symptoms of a woman with depression! After my sister-in-law gave birth, she went through the same thing! Yeah, My brother went through hell with her daily unpredictable paranoid mood swings! She definitely needs to see a doctor who's familiar with diagnosing depression and proper treatment! Refer to this link: Google search http://www.medic8.co...depression.htmlHope this makes some sense to you and your wife's mental state! Good luck!

Edited January 14, 2011 by Mr. Lee
change link to name Google search because link went off the page

[Jake]

We are very sorry to hear about your marital problems. As always, both Lee and Art posted suggestions that I would considervery seriously. By no means that anyone of us are professional counselors, even though we have the luxury now of analyzingthe fallout of a long term problem. At this juncture -- should have, could have type suggestions would only insult you.Apparently you failed as a husband in her eyes and maybe deep down she wants you to fail as a father as well. Would you allowthat to happen? Please seek professional, medical and religious advice. Your one month old baby needs you to sacrifice justabout everything, including your ego in order to bring him/her into the world of difficult challenges.Respectfully -- Jake

[roy2cebu]

Difficult one. She said something about being able to make trouble for you if you don't comply.That's scarey...know another chap there where his ex- wife tried to have him deported..without success.I've noticed a lot of pyschotic behaviour within the P'pines.For example somebody throwing themself out of a tree because of relationship breakdown, somebody else drinking Mariotic acid.. all very dramatic but very prevalent. Hopefully it's post natal depression but then again you've had on / off stuff with her for a while. Seems to me she's disturbed but only you can fathom that. ...or have it diagnosed by a Doc.Then again, there's always 2 sides to a story.

Edited January 14, 2011 by roy2cebu

[Old55]

I truly feel for you especially now that a child is involved. In my opinion the child’s welfare should be the first thing to consider. You are an American. Have you registered the child with the embassy? I don’t want to sound like a jerk but you may want to think about an exit plan taking the baby out of this situation if it’s best for the baby. The possibility of post natal depression is real, mix in her history of possible depression and or mild mental illness and who knows what’s going on in her mind. Frankly you can’t force her to do anything but it would be a good thing if she were to see a doctor. Have you spoken to her doctor about this situation? If not I suggest you do so right away.Is there a trusted family member or close friend who is on good terms with both you and your wife that could mediate some dialog? Do you have any close guy friends there that you can talk with?In a public forum like this it would be difficult or inappropriate to analyze all the details that could have let up to this situation. The fact she is demanding cash and threatens you is troubling. Do you have a sense this is a real threat? It is possible to find a competent honest lawyer in Philippines ask your friends for who they would recommend from their own experiences.Good luck, I hope this all turns out to be nothing.

[Inspector]

This advice you are seeking is IMHO, far too deep for a a bunch of strangers posting on some forum to answer. I see this happen a lot on some expat forums, as the entire posting community is suddenly doctors, counselors or a psychiatrist. Even if any were, they certainly would need far more information from both sides before offering any sound advice, and as Jake says...could end up insulting somebody without reason. Most can tell you where a place in the Philippines is, or how they liked a hotel or resort...maybe some of the culture, but when it comes to an issue like this, I would contact a lawyer specializing in Filipino laws and avoid any Dear Abbey advice. Now, maybe somebody knows of a good lawyer? Either way, good luck with your issues as this sounds as if there will be no easy way out here....well, lawyer guns and money.

[Art2ro]

This advice you are seeking is IMHO, far too deep for a a bunch of strangers posting on some forum to answer. I see this happen a lot on some expat forums, as the entire posting community is suddenly doctors, counselors or a psychiatrist. Even if any were, they certainly would need far more information from both sides before offering any sound advice, and as Jake says...could end up insulting somebody without reason. Most can tell you where a place in the Philippines is, or how they liked a hotel or resort...maybe some of the culture, but when it comes to an issue like this, I would contact a lawyer specializing in Filipino laws and avoid any Dear Abbey advice. Now, maybe somebody knows of a good lawyer? Either way, good luck with your issues as this sounds as if there will be no easy way out here....well, lawyer guns and money.

I disagree with your first sentence! californiaman's comments sounds all too familiar word for word, because it was what my brother went through with his wife in their early years of marriage! It's not a cultural thing, but of a serious medical nature IMHO, because californiaman described all of the symptoms what his wife's behavior is showing and his bewilderment of his wife's actions for no apparent reason! "The writing is on the wall", I read, heard and seen it before! I was just assuring him that's it's not an isolated situation and he's not alone! It doesn't hurt to share one's experiences of any nature as long it can help to realize that there may be a serious blatant problem with certain people with similar situations and any suggestions should be welcomed to a certain extent to open one's eyes who didn't recognize the symptoms! A lawyer's involvement should be a last resort it nothing else works to remedy the situation! Here's an example of a blatant symptom that went on for months and it ended up in tragedy! I knew a police relative of mine that was diagnosed with Post Traumatic Syndrome due to his line of work and was given a forced medical disability retirement, but his mental illness wasn't monitored closely insuring that he was taking his medication or getting counselling as to his condition! Even his wife failed in that department to insure he took his medication! One thing lead to another and their marriage turned into a war zone, because his wife wasn't very sympathetic with his condition and wanted a divorce on top of all what he was going through! One day, he went besirk due to the fact that he was off his meds for a few months and did serious harm to himself, he slashed both of his eyes with a knife! Later, he said he didn't even know what happened! He is now permanently blind in both eyes and is now in a State Mental Institution recovering from his operation and being treated for his depression! His wife has since divorced him, collecting part of his pension and sued the hospital and police department for negligence, I think she will collect big time in the end! So, does anyone see where I'm coming from on this if some one happens to see "the writing on the wall"? Should one keep silent or tell some one before a tragedy happens? Just MHO! Edited January 14, 2011 by Fil/AmArt

[Mr Lee]

Ok, i really need some help with this, I have been living in the visayas for 4 years now, fell in love lived together, broke up, lived together, broke up, got married! thinking that would cure it all, had a baby, one month old now, My wife has really gone silent, hasn't said one word to me since december 22. I try and try to get her to talk, then I just go silent with her, thinking she will come around. I don't even know what I did, she will text me from the next room, rarely. she sleeps on the floor in the other room, right next to the mattress! she text me the other day and said she wants out of this, she wants 250,000 and she will go away and leave me alone. I don't want this. I don't think in her state of mind she should be in control of money like that, she is a city girl, great english. Always been a little maldita but this is too weird. I have told her I want to take her to a doctor, she texts me and says, "no way, nothing wrong with me" I talked to her family. She says she can make trouble for me if I don't give her this money. I wonder what the child support laws are here, I would be much happier paying by the month and having a court order. What are the laws for this here, If I took her to the doctor it would have to be by force and I dont want that, anyone have any input. The silence is so loud!

I disagree with your first sentence! californiaman's comments sounds all too familiar word for word, because it was what my brother went through with his wife in their early years of marriage! It's not a cultural thing, but of a serious medical nature IMHO, because californiaman described all of the symptoms what his wife's behavior is showing and his bewilderment of her actions for no apparent reason! "The writing is on the wall", I read and seen it before! I was just assuring him that's it's not an isolated situation and he's not alone! It doesn't hurt to share one's experiences of any nature as long it can help to realize that there may be a serious blatant problem with certain people with similar situations and any suggestions should be welcomed to a certain extent to open one's eves who didn't recognize the symptoms A lawyer's involvement should be a last resort it nothing else works to remedy the situation! Here's an example of a blatant symptom that went on for months and it ended up in tragedy! I knew a police relative of mine that was diagnosed with Post Traumatic Syndrome due to his line of work and was given a forced medical disability retirement, but his mental illness wasn't monitored closely insuring that he was taking his medication or getting counselling as to his condition! Even his wife failed in that department to insure he took his medication! One thing lead to another and their marriage turned into a war zone, because his wife wasn't very sympathetic with his condition and wanted a divorce on top of all what he was going through! One day, he went besirk due to the fact that he was off his meds for a few months and did serious harm to himself, he slashed both of his eyes with a knife! Later, he said he didn't even know what happened! He is now permanently blind in both eyes and is now in a State Mental Institution recovering from his operation and being treated for his depression! His wife has since divorced him, collecting part of his pension and sued the hospital and police department for negligence, I think she will collect big time in the end! So, does anyone see where I'm coming from on this if some one happens to see "the writing on the wall"? Should one keep silent or tell some one before a tragedy happens? Just MHO!

Art I see where you are coming from but the sentence in the OP post shows me that this had been going on long before they got married and then had a child, and while you may be correct in your thoughts and that could be adding to the problem, it is my thought that the behavior was present long before the child was in the picture and the OP refused to accept it. I wish the fellow well but to me it seemed like there must have been something he was doing all along to piss her off, and he never found out what it was, or she was unstable from the get go and maybe now it has gone on too long to fix. I have found that it is impossible to get someone help if they refuse to accept that they need it and maybe more so in the PHL.