The Family Tax

[Jake]

Scott. I am familiar with the family tax also, even before we move. We give the normal Xmas, Bday, Graduation presents in $ as is customary. Plus we add a little something every so often for special occassions. We have been asked to "sponser" the Barangay festival in the past which we were proud to do and to take part in the Sunduan (spelling).However it really hit very recently. We just sold our house here in the states in preparation for our move and put the equity in the bank. Not two days later my wifes brother called and asked that we take over the payments on a van to assist him in a "buisness scheme" In otherwords we buy the van, pay for the maint. He gets to use it and keep the profits lolol.My Asawa, firmly and resolutly said "NO"! hopefully this will set a precident that we will not be a soft touch upon our arrival.

Right on Scott! The first line of defense should always be "the commander in chief" anyway. As you may know, the extended family members will use every trick in the book. And often times, it's even more difficult to disapprove "donations" when the crocodile tearsare used to get to the heart. Hang in there, more surprises coming.....he, he. Respectfully -- Jake

[Travis]

Hello All, When I say the family tax.....I mean family members coming to the "rich" American asking for help for this or that. How common is it? Does it depend on the family? How are foreigners that refuse to help looked upon by the family? Again, does it depend on the family? We (my wife and I) currently send money on a monthly basis to her mother to assist with living expenses for the family. My fear is that if and when we decided to move back to the Philippines, the open hands of family members will come to visit and have requests for needs to fill on a regular basis. I want to be able to retire and live comfortable, being able to save and travel a bit. I don't want to have to constantly fend off family that thinks the American can solve all their financial needs. Any thoughts?Yes, my wife and I have discussed this at length and she knows and understands my concerns. I don't want to strain our relationship this way and I don't want to find myself in an uncomfortable position with the family. I don't want her to be put in the position of always being pulled both ways, one way by her family asking and the other way by my refusal. I have her opinions, but I am just looking for outside opinions. :)Thanks in advance!Scott To the moderators.....I just saw the same type of post in another area. Sorry for the clutter! Please feel free to delete this thread.Scott

it kept me from marrying 2 ladies while I was living in Cebu & thier families lived hours away

[Mr Lee]

it kept me from marrying 2 ladies while I was living in Cebu & thier families lived hours away

Hopefully not both at the same time Travis.

[piglett]

Hello All,When I say the family tax.....I mean family members coming to the "rich" American asking for help for this or that. How common is it? Does it depend on the family? How are foreigners that refuse to help looked upon by the family? Again, does it depend on the family? We (my wife and I) currently send money on a monthly basis to her mother to assist with living expenses for the family. My fear is that if and when we decided to move back to the Philippines, the open hands of family members will come to visit and have requests for needs to fill on a regular basis. I want to be able to retire and live comfortable, being able to save and travel a bit. I don't want to have to constantly fend off family that thinks the American can solve all their financial needs. Any thoughts?Yes, my wife and I have discussed this at length and she knows and understands my concerns. I don't want to strain our relationship this way and I don't want to find myself in an uncomfortable position with the family. I don't want her to be put in the position of always being pulled both ways, one way by her family asking and the other way by my refusal. I have her opinions, but I am just looking for outside opinions. :)Thanks in advance!ScottTo the moderators.....I just saw the same type of post in another area. Sorry for the clutter! Please feel free to delete this thread.Scott

Scott, no need for us to delete your post since each topic is different yet in many ways the same, but we all need answers and your question expands on some that have already been asked.It is my opinion that a lot of us set our own pace (I know I did) at the very beginning of our relationships, by giving too much to our ladies and possibly to our new family and then once we are married, it is no longer a dating relationship, so somehow we end up cutting back on the gifts. Of course this is not true of all of you, but it was partially true of myself because I had no idea of how little a poor person might make in the Philippines, so I was overly generous and that caused me problems later on, but upon retiring, I informed my wife to inform her family that since I would no longer be working, the goose that laid the golden egg had passed on and that we would still do our best to help, but we would no longer be able to afford to help as much, so now it is mostly food and used clothing which we often get for free from friends anyway, and we take care of REAL emergencies when we can afford to, or with as much as we can afford to help, so to answer your question, our family seems to understand for the most part. added, my advice would be to set a limit that you give your wife monthly, and all emergencies and requests would have to channel to her and come out of that money, so it would then be up to her to deal with it.

Thanks Kuya Lee! I appreciate your input. My concern comes from the fact that at the moment my wife is working and any money sent to her family comes from her employment. When I retire, should we decide to move back to the Phils, she will likely not be working there and my retirement income will be less than when I was working. I was just curious what the thoughts were about the "just say no" attitude. Since we have helped them a lot in the past, will I become the bad guy if the budget is cut. We will not be living a lavish life there ourselves. I guess it all comes down to communication. I have said no before and for the most part the wife and family have accepted it. I just have visions of extended family coming for a "visit" to ask for help on a frequent basis, but maybe its not really that bad.Thanks again!Scott

well i think i'll jump on in here & say that the "VISIT" could be long drpending on the familyit could be months as in they just move on in & eat all your food /drink all your beer :(OP how far away do you intend to live from your wife's family ???too close & you mite be in for real problems. I have talked to some expats that ended up moving a looooog ways away from the inlaws because they no longer had the privacy that they had in their home country.good luck piglett

[piglett]

Since i am not as "rich" or well off as 95% of the forum members, what i have done, is to help when i can, I have tried/suggested that they "PLAN" for the future . As in SSS.Philhealth so they will have something. ,BUT to this date they have not contributed , ( i have even offered to pay part of the contribution) I have in the past bought food,medicines.Vitamins even prepay on the electric as my assistance, BUT for the "major" expenses, They will have to go to PGH or local hospital... I have tried for them to be prepared, BUT..i am not rich to send any of my partners nieces.nephews etc etc to school BUT my offer is /was/ if they will save any money for their expenses.I will match it (2x or 3x) to this date,,, I have had no response . guess its called "TOUGH LOVE" if they have money to buy beer.drink. then they have money for their personal expenses... Again to this date, they have not asked for anything, .as i stated earlier, I will buy food stuffs,Vitamins, Shoes for school.personal items for household..BUT NEVER for any medical or "LOANS" *(as they have not tried to prepare.or help themselves )Tough love? POINT I AM TRYING TO MAKE, IS HELP THEM TO HELP THEMSELVES, be Sufficient without outside assistance , how did they survive before I/you came into their life? so i guess i am just as lucky as others here ,when i am not burden with helping others.(family)*

well Ed i know what your talking about with the "they have money to buy beer"i just got back from a 2 week trip in the PI. we made a deal with my wife's uncle in Hawaiihe pays the rent & all costs for a 4 beedroom house in Manila, the rent is about p10,000 a month & along with other costs sets him back about p15,000. my wife texted him & asked if we could stay in the extra bedroom (the only one with air/con) & we would buy a 50kilo sack of rice for the household. we figure why pay a hotel $50 a night when we can buy a bunch of food for the people in the house instead. well the rice was only p1450 there in Manila so it looked like we got off cheep....wrongi happened to open up the fridge & it was empty & unpluged ????and about that time one of my wife' brothers who lives there asked for p200 to go buy some pork to have with the rice. i said no problem. next another one of her brothers asked for p750 for a book that he needed for school (his other sister said she would pay all of his costs except for the cost of the college which my wife & i pay. but to come to find out the other sister had spent all of her money & the "little brother" as we all call him now had a real unmet need so again we stepped up & handed over cash. oh also upon seeing me intown my wife's landlady asked for a p500 advance on the rent because she had no money. start to see a patern???so it lookes like everyone in the PI is broke rite ..........? nope not so because the 1st night there i see one of my wifes cousins with a big bottle of red horse. so no money for food but plenty for beer? all in all we had a good time but i don't intend to live too close to these people or i would in a short amount of to be as broke as they all claim to be. piglett

[piglett]

I give my gf 10,000p per month to do with as she pleases. She can spend it or save it or burn it but of course she gives it to her family. I told her very firmly that that is all there is. Never ask for more. Budget wisely. That works for me. If they need something they ask her.

Have they ever asked for more ???piglett

[Art2ro]

I believe we have all received good honest advise on this subject matter in how to fend for ourselves against our spouse’s extended family! Every situation is different from the next and just have to find the right formula in handing every different types of situations concerning the “extended family‘s“ money problems! Yeah! “It’s always a matter of money” for everyone! “Money is the pursuit of happiness“, but too much of it can also cause problems! Then again, if I were to have too much money, I wouldn’t be living in the Philippines! Oh well, just wishful thinking, because I know I will never have too much money in my lifetime, but we're doing fine financially and have no more problems with our extended family which took 20 years in the making! So, my wife and I are happy campers and are enjoying our well deserved retirement here in the Philippines til "hell or high water" or "til death do us part"!

[FutureRetiree]

Sorry that I have been MIA lately. Just wanted to say I read all your posts and appreciate your advice. It was very useful. Scott

[Art2ro]

Sorry that I have been MIA lately. Just wanted to say I read all your posts and appreciate your advice. It was very useful. Scott

Like I mentioned in my other posts, http://www.philippin...t=0"Life is just what we all make it to be" and "It is always a matter of money"! Now that we are some what financially stable, we have made our lifestyle the way we want it to be, with or without the extended family! http://www.philippin...t=0Yeah! Hang in there everyone! "Life is just what we all make it to be", with or without our extended family"! Just concentrate on your immediate family, your lawful wife and your children, they always come first amongst all others!