Interfering Families Problem

[Thomas]

Perhaps better get an own topic to not interfer to much in an other topic :)

Perhaps I explained bad what I ment.

Thomas! it's OK, I was not particularly Smirking at you but with you, I have always found the Ultra religious zealots, a tad hypocritical, you see, we have a few neighbours that are so high and mighty, in the church pecking order, that there is no grey area, just black and white Then low and behold, we have a dark grey area, in the proceedings. YEP you got it! One or more of the daughters, gets knocked up ( Pregnant.) of course it is always the boys fault.

i don't mean to be anti- Church, i just feel that sometimes, the church is used as an excuse, in a lot of things. Good and Bad.

No problem. E g concerning economic predictions I'm used to be called an idiot - until they see the results :)

(To much off topic? Yes, I'm some worried geting problems in the Philippines with fanatic religious people concerning things I need to do (as house building and own business) because they miss logic thinking capacity, because otherwice they wouldn't be fanatic religious :)

My gf is religious but has OK/good logic. Now I try to figuere out situation in her family, if the older would try to decide everything over my gf even after marriage, and - if so - if she will follow their decisions... I will let her blaim me, when she talk to her relatives, to reduce problems for her :)

Well Thomas, maybe the Forum Getting Married, may be a better place for your Worries. while i am here though, I may as well just answer you on this. I think it is more about culture and costume rather than religion. The PI is so very Family Orientated, members of most families like to have their say, tongue in check, I once told a family meeting. Look, I married Azon, not the Family. They had been telling me, that I should build a House Big enough, to accommodate a lot more of the family who had bad Housing. or needed to be moved around. As with my Wife, if Your G/F has a good head she will deal with the Family, just read the forum and you will come up with a lot of thoughts.

:tiphat:

Yes, sure the interferings are more about culture and costume,

but if they have no logic thinking by fanatic religion, then it's much harder to find OK solutions... :unsure:

I plan to "bribe" them :) trying to start business(-es) adding jobs to the siblings, with some better pay than similar jobs or some bonus salary if they work good, but then I expect them to be satisfied with that.

But I will ASK for their opponion concerning local knowledge and handling, and I plan to make the father boss over one step of the work process, so they get added status by that, BUT I will not find it OK if they will try to decide overview business things. It seem "my" family are satisfied with that, but still to see if they will be after start too :)

I have started asking my gf a bit, how she will act if she and I think different than her family. I have said it's OK she blame me when she talk to her family about different oppinions. But I haven't got any clear answer from her yet :) But I know she think her family try to interfer a bit to much in HER life, and she is tough enough to go against them IF she want...

So it seem her CLOSEST family can be solved OK,

BUT I'm worried about her some more distant relatives and neighbours. I aim at geting a business having jobs for her father, all siblings with spouces who want to, plus a few OTHERS, so others get hope they have chance too. Plus if it will be a refining business, then "all" families around will earn some extra by it when I buy the raw material they produce.

I will have as a DEMAND before marriage:

No family relatives - except our children :) - LIVING with us after the house is built.

(There can be exceptions in very special situations as:

-(one night) if it's very bad weather when it's time to go home.

-Some longer only if their house has been damaged and it's to bad weather to live there.)

-Relatives living very FAR AWAY normaly, just visiting 1-3 weeks. I suppose I will get such visitors, and it wouldn't be logic if my wife can't have such visitors too :)

Any oppinios about my plans? Are they possible? :)

[brock]

It is the law that when the children become an adult, They can be made responsible to support their parents .

So any Kano who is married to a Filipina should remember this

[Thomas]

It is the law that when the children become an adult, They can be made responsible to support their parents .

So any Kano who is married to a Filipina should remember this

Yes. I have complained, when some kanos married to Filipinas skip that main part of Filipin culture...

So I EXPECT I will do a big part of the ECONOMIC support to the parents when they retire. (My gf:s father is a bit older than I and have had hard work for the body, so I plan to give him a part time job, which isn't so heavy.) Plus I'm ready to give some economic compensation to some OTHER sibling to take the daily care of the parents, when they will need such in the future.

BUT I don't find it OK IF her family will try to decide over me and my wife.

I understand if some more distant relatives will not be satisfied, but I can't help all, they are houndreds :why-me: (I din't find a "Iiiiiiiiiii!" smiley :) My main worry is if they will ask for assistance all the time, both of economical reason, but also because I want to live calm with no people around my home with very few visitors. If people come there to often, then it's wasted to try to build a house away from neighbours :boohoo: living calm is very important for me... Perhaps such goal is utopic in the Philippines :mocking: if living within reach for the family. At the same time I want the family to be close enough so my wife can visit them easy enough (by bicycle/motorbike/car) so she can keep good enough contact with them to be satisfied - or perhaps they have to live together to make her satisfied, then I aim at she feel OK instead concerning this :mocking:

[Jake]

It is the law that when the children become an adult, They can be made responsible to support their parents .

So any Kano who is married to a Filipina should remember this

Yes. I have complained, when some kanos married to Filipinas skip that main part of Filipin culture...

So I EXPECT I will do a big part of the ECONOMIC support to the parents when they retire. (My gf:s father is a bit older than I and have had hard work for the body, so I plan to give him a part time job, which isn't so heavy.) Plus I'm ready to give some economic compensation to some OTHER sibling to take the daily care of the parents, when they will need such in the future.

BUT I don't find it OK IF her family will try to decide over me and my wife.

I understand if some more distant relatives will not be satisfied, but I can't help all, they are houndreds :why-me: (I din't find a "Iiiiiiiiiii!" smiley :) My main worry is if they will ask for assistance all the time, both of economical reason, but also because I want to live calm with no people around my home with very few visitors. If people come there to often, then it's wasted to try to build a house away from neighbours :boohoo: living calm is very important for me... Perhaps such goal is utopic in the Philippines :mocking: if living within reach for the family. At the same time I want the family to be close enough so my wife can visit them easy enough (by bicycle/motorbike/car) so she can keep good enough contact with them to be satisfied - or perhaps they have to live together to make her satisfied, then I aim at she feel OK instead concerning this :mocking:

Hello Thomas,

We appreciate you sharing your predicament regarding extended family members. Believe me, you're

not alone. At this point of your relationship, it's vital to communicate your feelings and wishes to your

GF. She should be your first line of defense as well as offense. Often times however, a Filipina refuses

to sit down and listen to your financial planning. The word monthly budget is not in their mindset. Even

the word savings is totally alien to them.

You're not married yet so put your foot down and demand equal responsibility dealing with your money.

Otherwise......get the hell out of there.

Edited October 21, 2012 by Jake
spill chek

[Curley]

Set down your rules get her to agree to them (maybe in writing) before you get married and stick to them. The first time somebody turns up uninvited send them away.... hurtful at the time but word would soon spread that you mean what you say.

[Mike S]

Simple solution is to not over build ..... if you build or rent a place with more than 2 bedrooms and live close by you are just asking for trouble .... we have 2 bedrooms but one is a computer .. junk room with no room for a bed (course they could just sleep on the floor in the sala) ..... but my asawa already knows what to expect when it comes to visitors ..... her mom is welcome to stay anytime she wants for as long as she wants (her dad pasted away last year) ..... but that is it .... everyone else has their own place and needs to use it ..... immediate family could get a weekend provided we know in advance but no one else and I mean no one ..... cruel ..... perhaps .... do I intend to live by ALL the cultural demands here in the Phils ...... absolutely not ..... anymore than Filipinos live by all the cultural demands in the countries they go to live in ..... but then I am so lucky in having an immediate family that are not a bunch of free-loaders and never ask for anything .... we do supply a small amount to her mother each month but she mainly saves it (see .... to all you doubting Tomas out there ..... Filipinos can save .... again it is what is inside that counts) ..... she will sometimes loan her kids some but you better damn well believe they will pay it back ... all back .... before another loan is made ..... it is all in the training .... all her kids were raised to work and work hard and save a little for a rainy day ..... and it worked .....

To many here in the Phils just look to others to supply their wants and feel if you have something as a family member it belongs to all the family ..... which would IMHO work great if ALL pitched in to help ... but when some sit on their lazy butts or quit their job when the cash cow appears it will never work ..... unless they do like in the US and start paying and subsidizing people to lay around like fat cats while others support them with their taxes ..... but look how well that system is working .... the US is going bankrupt under the burden of these give-away programs and looks like it will crash in the not to distant future ..... but then the old saying "eat ... drink and be marry .... for tomorrow we may die" has just about come to pass ..... OH well .... gotta get off my soap box .... it ain't gonna change .... :bash: ...... :cheersty:

[TexasRangersFan]

It is the law that when the children become an adult, They can be made responsible to support their parents .

So any Kano who is married to a Filipina should remember this

Is this really an actual law here?

[Dave Hounddriver]

It is the law that when the children become an adult, They can be made responsible to support their parents .

So any Kano who is married to a Filipina should remember this

Is this really an actual law here?

Yes. I have seen it online before but I will leave it to you to Google it :cheersty:

[Thomas]

At this point of your relationship, it's vital to communicate your feelings and wishes to your GF. She should be your first line of defense as well as offense. Often times however, a Filipina refuses to sit down and listen to your financial planning. The word monthly budget is not in their mindset. Even the word savings is totally alien to them. You're not married yet so put your foot down and demand equal responsibility dealing with your money. Otherwise......get the hell out of there.

Yes, some not negotiable things we talked talked about early after we started geting to know each other to check if we can suit each other. (=I ask BEFORE I tell what I think, so she can't adjust after what I have said :) Religion, children...)

But do you talk about SCORPIO Filipinas? (I believe I read somewhere your wife are Scorpio as my gf.) They are normaly eager to know and learn things. At least the subjects they like :mocking:

(I don't believe mine know the word "budget" yet, but for the moment she wonder most about business ideas. In start she thought just sarisari and such, but she has started thinking small factory and wholesale instead :) She is economical, so I believe she will be interested in budget talk too if/when it will be needed. (I suppouse it will be needed when build house and equip it, but in general living budget isn't much needed, IF have some buffer and both have economical habbits anyway. Mine has some personal land, don't know how she got them, but her parents are alive, so I suppouse she has bought them by saving. I know one a bit older Scorpio woman, who is teacher. Her older siblings helped her to a teacher education, and by that salary she has saved to motorbike and laptop in just some years. So some can save, at least if they are Scorpios :)

No money involved yet, and they haven't asked for any. I have told her I will not work for everyone, but try to add jobs to them, and the closest family seem satisfied with that. I'm mainly worried about more distant relatives. I will want assistance from her handling her relatives, but I have told her it's OK she blame me :) if she need to reduce the heat for her.

Set down your rules get her to agree to them (maybe in writing) before you get married and stick to them.

Yes, first discussing, then get some main things in writing, at least a prenuptial agreement, so it wouldn't be easy to fool me :) if there are some I haven't noticed before.

if you build or rent a place with more than 2 bedrooms and live close by you are just asking for trouble ...

Then I will be in trouble :boohoo: :)

(If I can afford to build whole from start, then I believe I will aim at building full outside wall direct, to avoid to need to tear down anything for exbanding later. 2 rooms for company, 2 rooms for future kids and 1 hobby room to make indoor activities possibility during rain period. But some indoors I thought finnishing when they are needed, just use them as store rooms earlier.)

[Ashanti]

It is the law that when the children become an adult, They can be made responsible to support their parents .

So any Kano who is married to a Filipina should remember this

TRUE! But it doesn’t not mean for you to support the parents and bankrupt yourselves in doing so!

The law came about because unfortunately, theres a lot of Filipinos who neglect the aging parents without a shed of compassion that Westerners don’t even do to their own dog. What this law means, only to take care and be responsible to the basic necessities of your aging parents and not to threat them as animals.

Believe it or not, theres a lot of Filipinos who after gaining their qualifications and earned good money, doesn’t look back or even care to give food to their parents and find their parents a burden and don’t want to know. We are talking here basic food on the table for parents who are too old to work or who has no job and no means of getting one. PI with no proper social programme, how in hell do they expect their parents to survive?????????? They might as well tossed them on the heap or bury them!

The law doesn’t mean, you have to support the parents in the style to which they had (?!) become accustomed to but to survive with dignity as a human being!