Going Broke Supporting Older Siblings Health Issues

[Adventurer]

I thought it was sort of lucky when I found out my now soon to be wife had no younger brothers or sisters when i met her. She is early 20;s but she does have a number of older siblings, mainly sisters around the 30 - 45 age group that are all married with children. Her mom died last year before I met her and she took care of her in her final days and she misses her each day as they were close. The other siblings in general did not support or help in that situation.

When i met her in person she had to go and live with her older sister only a short time after I got here to work long days & support the sisters family (including husband) for a few months until I took her back to where I live after I had enough of waiting.I kept telling her she did not have to support them and eventually she seen the light.

Since then a few of them have asked her to help for their medical costs and she has told them she has no money. Now one of them does not speak to her as I guess she expects she has money now she has a foreigner (me).

Another sister asked for money from her for medical reasons but again she sad she could not help. I heard about it and I said we can send a couple of thousand pesos if needed but my wife said it's OK don't worry.

Now another sister who she is close to has asked her to go and help her as she is sick. I already gave my wife some money recently for a trip there and the sister took it off her and used it to send her child to the doctor. Now the same one has used all the money I gave my wife for our groceries to get a checkup herself.

Now I would really like to help them with medical emergency but the fact is I'm really living on a very tight budget right now and my wife knows this and never asked me for money but how can I not give it when it's like this?

I'm now at a point where I might have to go back to Australia soon as I'm running so low on funds and this is not helping. We recently moved into a cheap house to save money, We can't even afford to get further dental work on ourselves, buy a motorbike but otherwise we get on fine here as we don't go out and enjoy staying home. But now with these older siblings relying on my wife to help them it's looking like we are going to have to suffer ourselves. I need to put a stop to it but I don't want to offend them as they have not actually asked me for money directly and I have not even met some of them yet.

The thing that I'm not happy about is that these siblings are heavy smokers and drinkers so this is part of the reason they keep having helth problems, They have husbands that work but they still expect my wife to the one to look after them each time they need help when they get sick. I realize this is the Filipino way and in fact I like how family all help each other but they take advantage of her as she is so kind, young and would help anyone if they asked.

I would be interested to hear what other expats would do or have done in similar situations?

[Dr. Cockroach]

Actually, one doesn't have to be an expat to pitch in his/her two cents. You said it yourself. "but they take advantage of her"!

Now, you tell me/us. If some one has no problems taking advantage of you, what would you do?

All I can say is, it's your money hence, it's your decision! If you decide to be a floor mat, then don't complain if others step on you. Otherwise, don't be one!

[Dave Hounddriver]

My situation is as close to identical as I can imagine. My wife now has 1 sister and 1 brother she does not speak to. Then there is another brother who works hard, supports his own wife and kids, and is on good terms with my wife.

I tell my wife I would like to help them but one of the reasons my kids back home don't speak to me is that they feel I should have given more money to them. Why would I then come here and give money to her family?

It is not hard to give money one time, but the brother and sister I mention want it all the time. Once is just a teaser. Twice means there's more. Whatever I give is never going to be enough.

It causes some friction but one of the things we talked about before moving in together was my budget. I was clear about what we have to spend. I was claer that she needed to make up her mind if she wanted a rich foreigner before moving in with me. I freq

[Call me bubba]

I would be interested to hear what other expats would do or have done in similar situations?

1st.. enroll them in PHILHEALTH,,,,, it can help you save $$ .dont walk,, run,,, there, its for them and of course for you to use..

2nd, when they ask for your HARD EARNED money for medical cost..

dont give it directly to them,

GO to the doctors office or hospital and pay it your self,, (watch,, yes whatch how fast your money requests will DROP)

in a previous topic, 1 member gave money to help with a sick child that woman(other word not allowed)

bought the child a tempra( pain/fever pill) and spent the rest on her drinking or some habit,,

3. take the ones who "claim" to be sick. ill

To a doctor you feel comfortable with,

GET THEM CHECK UPS. (watch how fast the request will disappear? )why check up?so you will know exactly whats wrong..

4. if they have certain self inflicted health issues. get them (at least convince

they need to change their DIET, a peso spent on preventative measures will save you 10pesos later

5. Set a budget that you can help,Your money, your well being is 1st

NOT these ppl who see you as a WALKING ATM. what did they do before you came into their lives? .

whats self-inflicted health issues?? like junk food, POOR DIET etc..teach a person to take care of themselves here is tough

but offers well lasting results..

last .....

how did they survive before you (walking atm . rich joe) live..... maybe try TOUGH LOVE. ha ha

nowNOW how did i deal with my family(extended) .

i upfront, offered to pay their PHILHEALTH. they dont want..

2. i said you want money for your health care or emergency . get Philhealth

then i will help .

3, live a HEALTHY lifestyle. eat well. limit your BOOZE.smoking and other vices,

i will even buy some food to get them started..(well never bought the food)

as either my conditions was TOO harsh or they didnt want to live a better.healthier life.

my total $$ to her family yearly is less than 150.00 USD,

mostly for some food stuffs and shoes/clothing for the other children.

last edit,,

TRY moving away to at least 1-2 hours away,,

i did and my X-partner &her familes request has dropped even more..

Edited November 6, 2012 by Pittman apartments Sgn

[tiger31]

before i arrived here i made it clear to my g f that i,m here for her not to help every famiy member in the philippines if you show weakness at the beginning it will never end .so after getting to know all her family one by one I decided that I will be the one who decides which one to help if needed .A brother and sister that were in C.D.O during the floods got some help from me as it was genuine but nobody else has asked me and there are 8 siblings so ive been lucky so far that none of the remainder have asked me.I,m not totally selfesh but can tell when someone is trying to pull the wool over my eyes.due to the fact that the o.p is short of funds he really needs to close the bank and look after yourself and wife .her family managed before you came on the scene so they will manage now .

[Call me bubba]

here are some related topics and links that can be of help

www.sss.gov.ph www.philhealth.gov.ph redcross.org.ph (cheap insurance)

[Mike S]

1st.. enroll them in PHILHEALTH

Best advise anyone can receive for family members who claim or are sick all the time ..... I'm lucky also as my family already had PhilHealth before I came here and now my asawa and I have it ..... it is a cheap way to get healthcare .... is it the best ..... no .... but much better than shelling out pesos every time you turn around .... :thumbsup: ...... :cheersty:

[Adventurer]

thanks for the feedback so far.

As for PHILHEALTH it probably is a good idea if I was intending to continue to support them but I'm not and i just can't. I'm hooping we can just get on with our lives and let them sort out their own issues now.

I told my wife today when she got back that it ends now and she must inform each sibling that we can not help anymore in the future and they need to start putting money away for their own needs. She agreed and will let them know.

I guess if we get to Australia in the future as I hope then my wife could send a little of her own money back to them if they still need it but that is up to her.

Cockroach, I haven't been a doormat yet, we have only helped minimally. I was worried about it continuing and the reason to ask here on opinions so i can put a stop to it without offending them before it got to the stage of then trying using us as a doormat. I'm very tight and they would never get anything out of me unless I could afford it and I can't. They were lucky on a couple of occasions to get a small amount. I have lived here off and on for a number of years and you get wiser and tighter but family members needs are always there. I do hope in the future we can help people in need but at the moment we are close to that group ourselves lol :)

[Dr. Cockroach]

thanks for the feedback so far.

As for PHILHEALTH it probably is a good idea if I was intending to continue to support them but I'm not and i just can't. I'm hooping we can just get on with our lives and let them sort out their own issues now.

I told my wife today when she got back that it ends now and she must inform each sibling that we can not help anymore in the future and they need to start putting money away for their own needs. She agreed and will let them know.

I guess if we get to Australia in the future as I hope then my wife could send a little of her own money back to them if they still need it but that is up to her.

Cockroach, I haven't been a doormat yet, we have only helped minimally. I was worried about it continuing and the reason to ask here on opinions so i can put a stop to it without offending them before it got to the stage of then trying using us as a doormat. I'm very tight and they would never get anything out of me unless I could afford it and I can't. They were lucky on a couple of occasions to get a small amount. I have lived here off and on for a number of years and you get wiser and tighter but family members needs are always there. I do hope in the future we can help people in need but at the moment we are close to that group ourselves lol :)

Adventurer,

Help is a temporary push but being taken advantage of is non stop! And NO has an equal weighting as YES. Infact, a NO, most of the times, can be more constructive to both even!

It all starts from within! If you don't care about yourself, it wouldn't be fair asking others to care about you more? The exact same applies to 'them'.

However, if the other side doesn't do much (in helping themselves?), then it becomes taking advantage of.

To which I say, DUMP THEM!

I am sure a lot will say, I am too harsh! But I say, If they have no problems being harsh on themselves and me, then I'd have no problems being called and labeled as harsh?

[MikeB]

my now soon to be wife

You later referred to her as "your wife". Are you currently married? If not, this should be worked out before the "I do"s because it can be a source of great stress. I don't subscribe to the "marry the family" concept. Your financial, legal, and moral responsibility is to your spouse and whatever other dependents you have. If you can't afford to help the in-laws it's really as simple as that. Don't let them lay a guilt trip on you or your "soon to be". The farther you are away from the source the less of a problem this likely will be. Good luck.