Going Broke Supporting Older Siblings Health Issues

[Dr. Cockroach]

Ashanti,

In my case, I am proud to be called a bitch :)

I tend to say things as they are. If people get upset about hearing my truth, then it's their issue.

I don't see why I should be making excuses or play hide and seek when I didn't do anything?

OK .. Go ahead .. Bash me. It's a free country but for some reason, everything costs money !? :(

Its okey to be blunt if theres no one you care gets hurt and left vulnerable as direct results of your action. Especially if youre not around to shield her with their malicious darts!!!

The way I look at it is, It's a never ending process and there has to be a stop to it!

You said, "Especially if youre not around to shield her with their malicious darts!!!"? That's exactly what I mean.

If some one has no problem throwing "malicious darts" at us, it's obvious that they don't care about us or otherwise there would be no such darts?

Let's say, you did do your shielding once, do you really think that these darts are going to stop? Or get bigger? Where is it going to end? Is it going to end?

PS: Notice that You/Her mean one person to me since it's a agreed union of two.

[Tom in Texas]

Family support is one of those recurring topics on PI forums for which there is no easy answer... certainly not a "one size fits all" solution.

Inter-family finances are difficult in any family where a great disparity exist.

If your brother earns $600K a year as an attorney and you earn $50K a year as a high school coach... what would you expect when your child needs a kidney transplant?

If you marry a girl whose sister is married to a billionaire... what would you expect when you lose your job and are about to lose your home?

Extreme examples? Maybe... try marrying a girl from a 3rd world country who comes from a large family that exists off US$50 a month.

Even if you live off SS or a pension... you are at least a "millionaire" to them. What responsibility do you owe... or wish to assume... with respect to her parents and siblings even under normal circumstances? What about when one of her family has a true emergency?

If someone is going to marry a girl from a distitute family... hopefully they considered these issues and discussed their intentions, and her expectations, with their potential spouse before the "I do's." If not, there are going to be some uncomfortable moments (and probably lots of tampo :bash: ) before too long.

I certainly do not have the answer... and my answer might or might not fit others circumstances.

For what its worth, my wife and I agreed on a specific monthly amount sent each month to help with basic food and shelter. Out of this money, her family must set aside in savings a certain amount for emergencies. If they ask for any additional monies, they must account for any missing amounts from the emergency fund. The only additional monies are those we voluntarily send for some specific reason we feel is appropriate.

This has worked well for me for more than 10 years... might be a catastrophy for others. Much of what works and does not depends on the cooperation and good sense of your wife in handling her family's expectations.

[nor cal mike]

The way I look at it is, It's a never ending process and there has to be a stop to it! You said, "Especially if youre not around to shield her with their malicious darts!!!"? That's exactly what I mean. If some one has no problem throwing "malicious darts" at us, it's obvious that they don't care about us or otherwise there would be no such darts? Let's say, you did do your shielding once, do you really think that these darts are going to stop? Or get bigger? Where is it going to end? Is it going to end? PS: Notice that You/Her mean one person to me since it's a agreed union of two.

With all due respect I think you are missing the point. Your wife and her family are from a completely different culture and no matter

hard you try you cannot change that. Filipinos are very family oriented and you become part of that family once you choose a Filipina

as your partner. Believe me as know from many years of experience that your Filipino family in most cases will be of great help to you

in whatever way they can and this help can be invaluable. In order to maintain a good relationship with your family it is imperative that

you be not only straight forward, but also diplomatic. If your wife has to choose between you and her family, she will be forever unhappy about the choice no matter which way she decides. I think in this instance you would be better served to put your wifes family

relationship above your own sentiments and come up with a way to both limit your exposure to constant request for assistance and yet maintain a strong family. Leadership often requires submission to obtain your ultimate goal.

Good luck to you and yours and thanks for sharing this most personal part of your life.

[Call me bubba]

come up with a way to both limit your exposure to constant request for assistance

simple. Just move away .

1 hour or 2 hours away, that can help reduce these "issues"

the RP has 7107 islands to choose from . just pick the one they dont live in.

[Dr. Cockroach]

The way I look at it is, It's a never ending process and there has to be a stop to it! You said, "Especially if youre not around to shield her with their malicious darts!!!"? That's exactly what I mean. If some one has no problem throwing "malicious darts" at us, it's obvious that they don't care about us or otherwise there would be no such darts? Let's say, you did do your shielding once, do you really think that these darts are going to stop? Or get bigger? Where is it going to end? Is it going to end? PS: Notice that You/Her mean one person to me since it's a agreed union of two.

With all due respect I think you are missing the point. Your wife and her family are from a completely different culture and no matter

hard you try you cannot change that. Filipinos are very family oriented and you become part of that family once you choose a Filipina

as your partner. Believe me as know from many years of experience that your Filipino family in most cases will be of great help to you

in whatever way they can and this help can be invaluable. In order to maintain a good relationship with your family it is imperative that

you be not only straight forward, but also diplomatic. If your wife has to choose between you and her family, she will be forever unhappy about the choice no matter which way she decides. I think in this instance you would be better served to put your wifes family

relationship above your own sentiments and come up with a way to both limit your exposure to constant request for assistance and yet maintain a strong family. Leadership often requires submission to obtain your ultimate goal.

Good luck to you and yours and thanks for sharing this most personal part of your life.

If you were talking about immediate family, like father/mother, then I would consider them as part of the wife and there should be no problems helping as needed. Besides, when you married, I presume that was part of the package?

But if you are talking about the extended family, which can be huge in the Philis, then I would say OK but only if you agreed on what you were marrying!

I have no problems with people jumping off the cliff or doing things differently. People are free and I would even protect their freedom.

However, never complain if so coz that was the contract to begin with!

[softail]

This is a cut and paste from a post I made some time ago on this same subject:

After my wife and I were married , a Nov wedding, we visited the RP for my introduction to the family. As this was a meet and greet I decided to treat the family to a week in Subic, this would give me plenty of one on one to get to know everyone. My wife went totally out of control showing off for her family, by the time we got back to los banos she had blown over 2/3 of our vacation money, we were nearly broke with nearly a month left on our visit, there was no stopping her. My wife’s family have a large 2 story cinder block home which echoes with every step, once we were safely upstairs in our room I started a great big fight about the money she blew making sure the whole house could hear every word. Everyone was really quiet and withdrawn when we came down for dinner that evening but the point had been made, the Kano was no sugar daddy. On our next visit, over Christmas, I knew everyone would have there little Christmas envelope ready to be stuffed. Over a beer with a family leader I seized on a opportunity, as the subject came up in conversation to itemize our family budget in the US and show that we make much more money but that the cost of living is a lot higher as well. He was truly shocked at how much it costs to live in the US and I have no doubt he spread the word, thus lowering expectations for those little red envelops. Don’t get me wrong, when the family is truly in need we are there to help, I feel that responsibility. Last Christmas we sent two large boxes stuffed with gifts, my wife’s sister who just lost her breast to cancer, we helped with those expenses, during the flooding we send money to help and so on. I found that it is important to limit the expectation right up front and stick to it. Doug

[i am bob]

As usual, Tom (Tom in Texas) has provided us all with something we should all sit down and think about. Excellent, Tom!

Doug (Softail), I liked what you wrote last time and again this time around. Many Filipinos don't know what it costs to live anywhere else and are totally in awe that we pay as much as we do. Many think we move to the Philippines because it is so much cheaper for us to live there ... Ok, so usually it is... But I think most of us would be there because of how we feel about living there... The warmth and climate, the scenic views every day, the lifestyle and, yes, the people.

[stevewool]

the biggest problem is you have to live where ever you live first paying bills, buying food, running a car and just treats for yourself, and yes if there is spare money you may send it, i am trying to save very hard for our future so the odd few hundred being sent over just for tkts to support a show the kids are doing and to fund somones smoking does make me angry, like most of us have said in a emergency the funds would be there straight away, the biggest problem for me is that if they dont work over there well why send them money,and when i say dont work, i mean wont work,have to try and keep a ballance because one day i may need there help

[Americano]

When a man and woman decide to make children its their responsibility to feed, clothe and take care of those children. And, if they can't take proper care of their children then they shouldn't have them. Its not a child's responsibility to raise another child.

Filipinos like to talk about giving, especially around Christmas time, but what they really mean is getting because they don't give, they expect you to give to them. I know some will say they don't have anything to give. Everyone has time and energy they can give.

I give because I want to give, not because I'm required as many Filipinos believe. If someone believes I'm required to give money to them then they will get nothing from me.

[Jollygoodfellow]

I know I will get blasted from thy self for hijacking this thread but after reading many post here I came to thinking; are there Filipino forums out there that discuss problems with their "foreigner" family's. :rolleyes: