Borrow, Lend, Or Just Give It Away

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Posted

it is a slippery slope we enter when we fall for our beautiful filipina

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Posted (edited)

I come from a "not rich" family myself. I see a lot of similarities in east and west about caring for your family and helping others. The one striking difference I see, is the feeling of guilt.

I know many times when members of my family needed help, but would not ask. Owing money or asking for money, makes them feel guilty, so they often never ask. I know I feel the same way. If I'm not able to make it own my own, I feel guilty.

 

In the east, it seems the guilt runs in a different direction. If someone needs help or asks for money and you can't give, you feel guilty, and that guilt seems to be encouraged. It's just a different way of thinking, I suppose. One thing that does bother me though, is that if someone "borrows" money from you, they often end up acting hostile towards you. I think they maybe are embarrassed to owe you and feel it is your fault that they are embarrassed, It may also be, that they feel you should just offer them money and not make them have to "borrow" it.

 

My wife here was often put on the guilt trip. But when I make her look at the situation, it is never as bad as it is made out to be. She sees now, that if they can afford fancy phones and toys, they are not really that needy.

 

When we first married, I put it to her this way: What did they do before I came here? How did they survive? I don't mind helping in emergencies and we do help. I also explained it to her this way, and now she is much more frugal: We only have so much money and when it is gone, who here can we ask for help? When you can't buy food for our kids and the rent is past due, what are we going to do when we gave all our money away? I don't know what her conversation with her family was like after this, but no one asks for money anymore. If there is a big problem, I can usually tell by the way she acts, and I ask her what's going on. If it's a real need, we give, but we never loan.

 

No one seems to be upset by this, except one teenage boy who seems to think he is entitled to live like a prince. Otherwise, we all have a good relationship, and even the one teenager will sheepishly grin when I ask him how his "nightly party with friends" is going.

Edited by CaviteKano
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Posted

The problem i have at this moment is the wife off Ems brother,

No one lends her money in the family because she never repays but always asks again and again,

She ask my wife when we was there and i got involved and i said i wil borrow you this amount and you said you will pay it back by a certain time and if not dont ask again, well she did not pay it back, but i am glad now i can say no all the time without feeling bad,

The problem now is she is back asking Ems dad and he gives in , but its our money we are sending for him to look after himself, she plays the game about the children are not well and they need this and that, just makes me so angry and makes me think also stuff the lot of them too

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Posted (edited)
The problem now is she is back asking Ems dad and he gives in , but its our money we are sending for him to look after himself, she plays the game about the children are not well and they need this and that, just makes me so angry and makes me think also stuff the lot of them too

 

Well Steve, she has leard to play the game.  Her game!  This is a hard one.  The only suggestion would be to try to limit the "allowance" to dad to whatever had been set.  I have similar with mother-in-law.  I will not increse the allowance when requested when I know some is given away.  However, when a true emergence comes, I will help out.  Until you are there living with dad and pay everything yourself for him, its hard to control what he does with the money you send him.

Edited by intrepid
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Common topic but one that affects most all of us.

Before we got married we talked about religion, children and support to Mom and Dad. We chose a small monthly amount for Mom and Dad what they do with it was their business. Over the years we spent for several close family member's schooling and to help first stock a small store that is become very successful. We don't support other family members only Mom and Dad, no exceptions. 

My wife and I have never had an argument over support because we worked it out at the start of our marriage and made it clear to our family.

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Posted
She sees now, that if they can afford fancy phones and toys, they are not really that needy.
My oppinion is if they can afford to

get drunk more than a FEW times per YEAR (or more than one beer per week)

or to smoke AT ALL,  

then they DON'T NEED my assistance...   :dance:     

I WOULDN'T afford anyway if several get cancer by the smoking. Them around can get it by passive smoking too...

No one seems to be upset by this, except one teenage boy who seems to think he is entitled to live like a prince.
Such I find EASY to say No too :mocking:

Harder though if someone REALY needing "let" the bad ones sneak from them.

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My wife and I have never had an argument over support because we worked it out at the start of our marriage and made it clear to our family.

 

This is great and everyone should do this.  The only problem is I suspect many people like me didn't know the culture and expectations when they met and got married.  I know most of my friends didn't.  It would be nice to have this topic incorperated into some kind of pre marriage counseling for men who get engaged to a woman from the Philippines.

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Posted
pre marriage counseling for men who get engaged to a woman from the Philippines.

 

I suspect most men finding a filipina for the first time would not listen to any counseling that was not addressed to the smaller head.

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pre marriage counseling for men who get engaged to a woman from the Philippines.

 

I suspect most men finding a filipina for the first time would not listen to any counseling that was not addressed to the smaller head.

 

You never really know someone till you marry them, we are all guilty of having two faces.

Pre- counselling already exsists for the Filipina, when my wife wanted to change her passport name to mine after our marriage, she still had to attend a pre-counselling session in Cebu, which incurred an overnight ferry boat ride for the 2 hour session!

But yes, I agree foriegners marrying Filipinas, should be made aware of the downside of the Filipino culture.

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