Being a Father Later In Life

[baronapart]

I am 59. I am in excellent health so that is CURRENTLY not an issue. I have 4 adult sons who are professionals and lead their own lives and need no further assistance from me (that is both a blessing and a curse). I am thinking about having another child with my filipina while living in the Philippines. Maybe those of you have done this have some insight or open to advice from anyone really.

Edited September 15, 2023 by baronapart

[Hestecrefter]

There's no shortage of guys in the Phils having kids at 60 and beyond.  The raw age number is relatively unimportant in my view.

However, there's a host of considerations that will not be the same for everyone.  You mention health.  That is one.  I would not do it if I thought my health status was poor and I might check out soon.  Nevertheless, I would, myself, never tempt fate by claiming "excellent" health, or anything like it.  Virtually all of us can have latent health issues waiting to manifest, of which we are completely unaware, even if we have had the benefit of recent medial checkups, bloodwork, etc.  This was brought home to me this week in talking with a friend in Las Vegas who started feeling unwell one day last week.  Only because his sister pushed him, he went to a doctor, ended up in hospital for 3 days and learned of some very serious medical issues that will change the way in which he lives from now on.  As he said:' I might not be around as long as I thought."

Where you will live is a factor.  I became a dad for the first time with my Filipina wife at age 53.  That was in Canada.  Much older than that, I would probably not do it in Canada. Canadians seem to get bent out of shape about senior men having babies.  Much more commonplace and accepted in the Phils.  In Canada (or the U.S. from what I observed while living there) one is more likely to draw disapproving looks. For some, they could not care a whit about the opinion of others.

For me, not sure I would want my kid growing up in the RP.  So I would have to think about that.  I have concerns about education and the kid's future.  I know the standard answer to that is that the kid will have U.S. or whatever citizenship and can move their tent to the U.S. at any time to dwell in the land of milk and honey.  Maybe only me, but I am not sure that is altogether practical in most cases.  But, if the child does not elect to move, what will be their life in the Phils?  Will they be able to earn as you did?  Or will they earn more modest, typical Filipino, wages?  If such be the case, are you content with that, and will they be?

Then there is finances.  Cost of raising a child in the PI is modest, so that favors it.  What I see as important has been touched on in another recent thread, about securing your Filipina's future.  I see that as a sacred obligation.  You must be confident that, when you go, her lifestyle won't have to change because of reduced circumstances so now, with child, you must have in place a plan that will secure that for both her and one who might be dependent on her for many years.  

You have 4 kids already.  You say they are professionals and, I'll take it they earn professional incomes and have no need or expectation of inheriting from dad.  I trust they won't resent your Filipina and new baby receiving your estate on your demise.  Of course, you might leave behind $25 million and you could leave $5 million to each and the estate residue to wife and child and everyone will be happy.  

How about your wife?  Has she had kids heretofore?  In my case, I was more willing to become an older dad since my wife had no kids and I did not want to deny that to her.  Whether your wife is now 20 or 40 will factor into it as well.  The younger ones appear to adapt to first-time motherhood (if it be a case of first time) than the older ones.  But that, I'll admit, is from somewhat limited observation.  

A further consideration is what would be seen by some as a crimp on lifestyle.  If you are both now dependent child free, you are at liberty to travel when and how you like, etc.  You have less freedom in that regard as parents of young children.  I recognize I should temper that remark by noting that in the Phils, there always seems to be family available on whom to unload the kids, while parents go off on a frolic of their own.  That sometimes lasts for years.  In our case, had we remained in the Phils, that would not have been an option.  My wife was the child of dirt poor, unmarried parents who regarded her as a liability.  She had a deplorable upbringing.  She was passed around like a hot plate at a dinner party.  Shuffled off to various relatives to be treated as they saw fit, which was usually not very good.  In short, her parents failed her in every way parents could fail a child.  But that's not typical in the Phils, even among the most downtrodden and oppressed.  Children generally are valued.  

Those are a few of my random thoughts, conjured up without a whole lot of deep thought, which the topic deserves.  Maybe others here will have better insights.

 

 

 

Edited September 15, 2023 by Hestecrefter
Edit #1 - add missed word; edit #2 - repair "I would have to think about that" to intelligible language. Edit #3 - explain edits (this could become endless)

[Dave Hounddriver]

2 hours ago, baronapart said:

I am thinking about having another child with my filipina

I entered a relationship with a Filipina who has a child with no father in the picture.  That was in 2017.  6 1/2 years later I am the step dad of a 9 year old and happy to be doing it.  I am 68.  One point worth considering.  When the child is school age there will be pressure to take the mother and son out of the Philippines for a better education and better opportunities.  You can deal with that when it comes up.  We are in Canada and the mother and son just got their Canadian Citizenship so it has worked well for all so far.

[baronapart]

1 hour ago, Hestecrefter said:

How about your wife?  Has she had kids heretofore?  In my case, I was more willing to become an older dad since my wife had no kids and I did not want to deny that to her.  Whether your wife is now 20 or 40 will factor into it as well.  The younger ones appear to adapt to first-time motherhood (if it be a case of first time) than the older ones.  But that, I'll admit, is from somewhat limited observation.  

Excellent points. Thank you.

The reason highlighted above is my prime motivator. She is 28 and I think it might break her heart not to have a child. She doesn't force it on me but I can sense it.

Edited September 15, 2023 by baronapart

[Hestecrefter]

33 minutes ago, baronapart said:

Excellent points. Thank you.

The reason highlighted above is my prime motivator. She is 28 and I think it might break her heart not to have a child. She doesn't force it on me but I can sense it.

This is a common issue.  Many times, young, childless Filipinas will claim to be quite okay with not having kids. The call to preserving the relationship is stronger than the maternal instinct.  As her biological clock winds down, some find it harder to stick to remaining childless, although I do not think that many actually jump ship to go out and find a potential father. They find ways to deal with the longing.  I think some find it more difficult to keep the maternal instinct suppressed.  I suspect that, while there are many who agree to not having kids, the number who are well and truly content with that regime is small.  But, there are some.

[baronapart]

3 hours ago, Hestecrefter said:

This is a common issue.  Many times, young, childless Filipinas will claim to be quite okay with not having kids. The call to preserving the relationship is stronger than the maternal instinct.  As her biological clock winds down, some find it harder to stick to remaining childless, although I do not think that many actually jump ship to go out and find a potential father. They find ways to deal with the longing.  I think some find it more difficult to keep the maternal instinct suppressed.  I suspect that, while there are many who agree to not having kids, the number who are well and truly content with that regime is small.  But, there are some.

I completely agree.

[Kingpin]

8 hours ago, Hestecrefter said:

what will be their life in the Phils?  Will they be able to earn as you did

Probably not, but unlike kids growing up today in Canada or the US, they'll at least be normal, happy, well-adjusted.

9 hours ago, baronapart said:

I am thinking about having another child with my filipina while living in the Philippines.

If you have the time and energy to give the kid the attention they deserve, no good reason not to do it.

[OnMyWay]

16 minutes ago, Kingpin said:

Probably not, but unlike kids growing up today in Canada or the US, they'll at least be normal, happy, well-adjusted.

Right now, I echo these thoughts.  I hope that it can be reversed because I still need to move my family at some point, even if only a temp move so that my wife can get SS on my account.  We are delaying 2 more years.  Wait and see.

Which brings me to another point.  Your (OP) child will be a U.S. citizen.  Make sure you do the CRBA right away.  When you turn 62, your kid will get SS too.  Do the math and it will make sense to start your SS at 62, because your kid will get it too.  You might want to have a second kid!  Your wife will need to live in the U.S. for 5 years or become a USC in order to collect on your account.

I was 57 when my first daughter was born, semi-planned.  My second daughter was two years later, unplanned.  I did not have kids previously.  I would not change anything.  Children are a blessing and I love em to death.  Main thing is to focus on your health so you can be around as they grow up.

[Joey G]

1 hour ago, Kingpin said:

Probably not, but unlike kids growing up today in Canada or the US, they'll at least be normal, happy, well-adjusted.

Your experience perhaps (???)... but not mine.  It's not where you grow up... it's how the parents raise their kids... no matter what side of the ocean you live. 

[Dave Hounddriver]

7 minutes ago, Joey G said:

Your experience perhaps (???)

I wondered about that too.  I have not heard Kingpin mention his experiences growing up in Canada before.  I do know one kid who did not turn out so well, growing up in Canada I mean, but all the ones I know who are currently growing up in Canada seem normal, happy, and well-adjusted.  Perhaps he is correct that the US is fecked up.  I will have to accept his analysis of that as I don't know anyone currently growing up there.