Meeting Her And Her Family For The First Time

[Ashanti]

Hello Earthdome

From a Filipina straddling both cultures, Im afraid to say, inspite all your readings and preparations about filipino family/culture, you got the wrong end of the stick. And I cannot see where your gf had gone wrong except the misconception you BOTH have. Please allow me to speak frankly (no holds barred) and explain it to you on what really happened there -based on your postings.

Although, perhaps you think you are prepared from all your readings/research, etc about filipino romantic relations and traditional values, I don’t think you had grasp what old fashion filipino style is. Because that is what is your gf and family is.

When you visit your gf in her family home and meet the family you had expected her to be openly affectionate towards you as should be in any normally romantically involved couple be. However, you need to understand what is a real old fashion filipino courting behaviour is. Your gf is from the country and probably wasn’t used to filipino high society nevermine the Western concept of being romantically involved.

To visit her and meet the family straight off when you arrived, unknowingly to you, you had actually raised her expectations as well as the family. Normally, in an average filipino couple when you visit your gf in her home and meet the family – it is seen as a serious relationship with a strong view to marriage if the lady is of marriageable age unless you are a young courting couple as in still at High School or College where you are expected to finish your studies first. Being a foreign man, you compounded your error as she (gf) and her family will be the talk of the neighbourhood. Gossiping in PI could sometimes be intense and hurtful.

As a westerner, you normally expect that as long as you’re respectful you could play it by ear and see how you click or if the chemistry was there once you had actually met and spend time together. Unfortunately for you that is not the view of old fashioned Filipinos especially those from the countryside who are rather basic and unsophisticated that’s why your gf probably feels let down when there was no proposal or strong indication of marriage after your visit. As none of those are forthcoming from you – she will be inhibited and reserved with the way she will interact with you. She would be mindful that she will NOT be one of the statistics and the joke of the neighbourhood and also be branded a slut! At the end of the day, you could go home and can start a new life relatively scratch free while the gf will have to face the fall out of nasty comments from neighbours and family.

You see in PI – Maria Clara, a heroine in the novel Noli me Tangere by Jose Rizal, the filipino national hero is/was a religious person and the epitome of virtue – is promoted in schools and churches as to what Filipinas should aspire to. In modern day PI – this resulted in an amalgam of their own version of Maria Clara in the 20^th century – which is very difficult to explain to westerners – and need to be seen to be understood (if ever).

To be honest, I don’t know what to advice you because both of you are already disappointed. The answer really lies on the strength of what you both feel for each other and not just the idea that both of you are ready to settle down.

Maybe, next time you should give more thought about meeting your girls family and possible consequences before you plunge in. Yes, there is a lot of pressure from the girl to meet their family because meeting the family as I already explained is a filipino parlance for a strong commitment, next step – marriage!

As to the minor misunderstanding that Filipinas like to be feed and watered regularly that can easily be overcome. It is the strength of your feelings toward each other that matters – without that, everything is always a problem!

Saying that, you have to understand that in PI – we eat at regular intervals and the body clock picked up the rhythm. So, we actually start feeling hungry when the mealtimes is approaching and when you’re hungry – you don’t feel disposed to be congenial never mine feeling like lovey dovey!!! This is one of my major adjustment when I was new to the West as we eat irregular times especially when we travel long distance in the motorway. In our earlier years this has cause a falling out with me and my husband as he will not stop the car to find somewhere to eat just because I am hungry.

Anyway, my husband solved it by making me a packed meal that I can help myself in the car so we don’t have to stop. In the early days, it takes me ages to get ready to go out so I tend to missed breakfast in order to make it on time. The first time he made me a packed meal, he cooked rice and dried fish for me thinking it would please me. I did not have the heart to tell him, that though I loved dried fish – that is not a main dish for me so I just grin and bear it :rolleyes:

Also bear in mind that in PI, for a person to state explicitly her/his needs is considered forward and is frowned upon. This is equivalent in the West as being thick/uncouth or no shame at all. In any case, it is not your responsibility to buy her even her basic needs although a nice gesture and well appreciated. However, the gesture is also seen as the strength of your affection. But I say, these should be spontaneous and not expected, rather a make-up of caring and sensitive person.

As to money and her not having any as she has no job – continue as you mean to go on! It is not imperative that you give her money though it’s a nice gesture. It has to come from the heart and again, spontaneous. If you haven’t thought about it before then you shouldn’t view it as wrong. What is wrong is - if your gf expected it! Have you been a filipino, it is not expected – so why should you do it???????? You wanted a relationship - you are not BUYING love!

Good luck ……………

(my apologies for the long post and being long-winded!!!)

Edited October 16, 2012 by Ashanti

[Jake]

Yes, you may be right, that I expected too much from the relationship too fast.

It's a very common mistake trying to hurry such things too much.....It's similar to how it was in "kano countries" 100 years ago.

.....want to speed things up, it would be seen as bad behaviour by other traditional Filipin people.

.....Even two different perfect personalities, sometimes don't suit to marry each other, because different personalities need

different "complements". But it seem your relation is worth checking more if it can end up good.

Thank you Thomas for your perceptive insight. It was a perfect match for my first morning coffee while reading your comments.

Keep it up sir.....you're on a roll!

Respectfully -- Jake

[Jake]

You see in PI – Maria Clara, a heroine in the novel Noli me Tangere by Jose Rizal, the filipino national hero is/was a religious person and the epitome of virtue – is promoted in schools and churches as to what Filipinas should aspire to. In modern day PI – this resulted in an amalgam of their own Maria Clara in the 20^th century – which is very difficult to explain to westerners – and need to be seen to be understood (if ever).

Mabuhay Ashanti,

Your quote above sums up the old culture of honor and virtue that was embedded in the hearts and

minds of the Filipino people. As you may know, Noli me Tangere was required reading even in first

year college.

Additionally, I would like to add that the virtues of Mother Mary were greatly worshipped among the

Filipinas -- humbleness and personal sacrifice served to maintain family unity. Another virtue of old

school family values over the years. However in many cases, the wife/GF would rather suffer in

silence in a broken family. Often times, the arriving foreigner is like a knight in shining armor but

only to reveal himself eventually because he brought along his emotional baggage.

Ashanti, your insights to the world of the Filipina is profound and greatly appreciated.

Respectfully -- Jake

[i am bob]

Ashanti - you have saved my life for when I finally get to the Philippines. So many things I hadn't thought about in this way and probably would have done to the detriment of my relationship as well. I guess a coat of high-gloss polish over white paint on a suit of armour isn't quite all that's needed after all!

[i am bob]

You see in PI – Maria Clara, a heroine in the novel Noli me Tangere by Jose Rizal, the filipino national hero is/was a religious person and the epitome of virtue – is promoted in schools and churches as to what Filipinas should aspire to. In modern day PI – this resulted in an amalgam of their own Maria Clara in the 20th century – which is very difficult to explain to westerners – and need to be seen to be understood (if ever).

If anyone is interested in reading an English translation of the novel Noli mne Tangere, it is available as a free download (or you can read online for free as well) at Project Gutenburg under the title of The Social Cancer. If this will instil a better understanding of the fair Filipina by us bull headed foreigners, well, I guess it won't hurt to read the book.

[Thomas]

To visit her and meet the family straight off when you arrived, unknowingly to you, you had actually raised her expectations as well as the family. Normally, in an average filipino couple when you visit your gf in her home and meet the family – it is seen as a serious relationship with a strong view to marriage

Oh. I thought it ment

seriously interested in marrying, but not know yet, asking the family to agree to get the know the woman better.

Some scary if expected to propose before met the woman more than a bit :)

(my apologies for the long post and being long-winded!!!)

Such information can never be to long :) It's worth much more than 1 like.

Yes, you may be right, that I expected too much from the relationship too fast.

It's a very common mistake trying to hurry such things too much.....It's similar to how it was in "kano countries" 100 years ago.

.....want to speed things up, it would be seen as bad behaviour by other traditional Filipin people.

.....Even two different perfect personalities, sometimes don't suit to marry each other, because different personalities need

different "complements". But it seem your relation is worth checking more if it can end up good.

Thank you Thomas for your perceptive insight. It was a perfect match for my first morning coffee while reading your comments.

Keep it up sir.....you're on a roll!

Respectfully -- Jake

Thank you. Actualy one of the books I have written (in Swedish) is about this subject, ment to be in pocket size for fast access when needed, but it became 3 times to many pages, it's a huge subject :) So I have to split it or something before it's ready for publishing. I mean I have written about kano-kano relations. Filipina-kano relations I have just started learning, surely e g Ashanti know very much more than I.

[Ashanti]

Oh. I thought it ment seriously interested in marrying, but not know yet, asking the family to agree to get the know the woman better. Some scary if expected to propose before met the woman more than a bit

It is - if you are both filipinos!

But if you are a foreigner - Im afraid the threshold is raised due to gossips & jealousies ...............

[earthdome]

Ashanti - you have saved my life for when I finally get to the Philippines. So many things I hadn't thought about in this way and probably would have done to the detriment of my relationship as well. I guess a coat of high-gloss polish over white paint on a suit of armour isn't quite all that's needed after all!

I am glad discussion of my experiences may help you avoid some of my mistakes the first time you meet your special someone.

You can read about the cultural differences and think you are ready to handle them, even embrace some of them... but there are so many differences...

so many unstated assumptions... that there is no way you can be fully prepared unless you already have extensive experience with filipino culture on the ground in the Philippines.

Fortunately my girlfriend has an older sister married to a gentleman from the UK who advised her to tell me about her disappointments so we could discuss them. There may yet be hope for us to build a strong relationship.

[MacBubba]

Ashanti, my wife thanks you for your post. She has been away from the Philippines for 28 years (other than visits), and is dismayed at the degradation in morality that is sometimes depicted, with Filipinas throwing themselves at men (not just foreigners), and sometimes for monetary ends. She does see ample evidence of it, but it pains her anyway. Not one to condemn, she just rationalizes it as a sign of the times - once one starts compromising principles in the name of money, it becomes a slippery slope. Sadly, others watch and copy.

Having been born and raised in Manila, she has no pretensions of being a prude, but she does come from a very old-fashioned family. Although city dwellers, they always held up the old rural courtship as "the standard". Back in the day, women were put on a pedestal. Suitors had to prove their mettle to the woman's family, to show that he can support her and win their approval. And, the man and his family had to pay for all the wedding expenses. Quite a departure from other Asian cultures, where the woman's family had to provide a dowry.

Of course the old standard is no longer observed to the letter, but she is gratified to see that there are still Filipinas who haven't strayed too far.

MacBubba

[Thomas]

Oh. I thought it ment seriously interested in marrying, but not know yet, asking the family to agree to get the know the woman better. Some scary if expected to propose before met the woman more than a bit

It is - if you are both filipinos!

But if you are a foreigner - Im afraid the threshold is raised due to gossips & jealousies ...............

Oh. Then perhaps better tell the family to spread rumour the kano is stingy, even if not being that, to reduce jealousies ? :)

Quite a departure from other Asian cultures, where the woman's family had to provide a dowry.

Well. In Thailand OLD tradition has been man pay LITTLE to parents, BOTH families contributes to the NEW MARRIED, and the weddings are supposed to get around zero results by guests give money gifts.

BUT nowadays with foreigners involved, then it kind of have become "tradition" he pay and the money ment to the new married goes to the parents. "But if the parents like the man, then he can get (some of) the money back." (Guests still contribute, but the foreigner guarantee the parents as wedding arranging will not lose money.) It has become so common so many younger thai believe that's the thai tradition :hystery:

Don't they "buy" the wifes in (rural) China?