Can An X Bar Girl Make A Good Wife??

[Jake]

I'll just echo those who've suggested that Paol join the forum, post and get to know some of the members. Learning from others who have similar experiences and having the chance to meet some of the members are 2 of the best aspects of the forum I've found.While I would not judge either Paol or his girl, he is clearly haunted by her past. His feelings about what she did are not going to go away by themsleves. Two options he could possibly consider:1) If you are a believer in such things and truly want the relationship to work, get some type of relationship counseling (like marriage counseling). 2) Take a decent length (like 90 day) "trial separation". The time apart might give him a different perspective on the woman and their relationship.One thing I'm close to sure of. Taking her to the States without directly dealing with the issues they face will not help their problems. Best of luck to you Paol and to your gf.

It would seem like you're the first person to offer some down to earth suggestions.The idea of having professional counseling and a cooling off period sounds good to me. We are all hoping the very best for both of them.Respectfully -- Jake

[Mr Tropic]

Yes Lee I tend to wander and get of the topic and sometimes forget that this is not "the guys" forum but for all the family. It is nice to hear from the wifes and filipino's of this forum to get a better understanding of life here.Mr. Tropic

[displacedsoul]

After reading this story I have come to the conclusion that Paul will never get over his hang ups,best to move on I say.The hardest part is to let go but as we all know life goes on and someone new is waiting around the corner.OH is it a name typo, Paol,Paul????

[Travis]

any updates on this Lee?

[Mr Lee]

any updates on this Lee?

I have not heard from him so I sent him another email and I will post whatever I find out, when and if I find it out. 

[No name]

Reform her? Why does anyone think she needs reformed? She's human being trying to get through life the best way she can, as all of us do.I see a lot of judging based on the way people live in the West.The Philippine is not the West.We've all done things that others would look down on. I'm so bummed out by all the judging people do. Its even worse in the Philippines though, its what I like least about it. Stop judging people by your own thought patterns, its sure to lead to bad conclusions when the person isn't you!I know a girl that is pregnant. Her boyfriend wants to take her home and ask her father for her hand in marriage but she's terrified to go. I said to my girlfriend but doesn't her father probably have or had had a mistress or two in his lifetime. Why be so harsh on her when he's probably done worse. She said, "We girls can't say its not ours. but you guys can deny it." I said, then its all about what others think. Its about people judging when they have done the same kinds of things, she just got pregnant. Dang it people, stop judging, your like sex as much as anyone else. And I'm sure you've done something that others would judge.She's not in the West, work doesn't come easy. Women with a college degree can usually get a job as a cashier, maybe making P650 a day. No degree, especially out in the provinces, forget it. Over 25? A woman has almost no chance of getting a job. Think about HER situation, not yours. If you must judge her, judge her in her circumstances not your own.Now back to the topic..... As Lee said, "you" gotta be crazy to come to the Philippines for a specific girl. You're setting yourself up for a major fall. No Paul, I'm not harping on your case, I'm crazy too sometimes. I had a girl waiting for me, she's an angel but she's far from perfect. I learned, I'm not a knight in shining armour, I can't rescue anyone or save anyone and I sure don't want to reform or change anyone, they are who they are. It will take a couple of years for Paul to know who this girl really is. It takes us all that long no matter what the background. And if you're me, you might need more time than that. The two American women I married were the biggest frauds I ever met!You wrap your life up in someone else and you're setting yourself up for a major failure. Life your life for you. Don't count on a relationship for the rest of your life. Enjoy her while you have her, enrich each others lives, but don't make your life about her or anyone else. When you do that, they become your god and no human can live up to that.Paul can come here and find a woman, if this one turns out to be a scamming little liar, there are other women lined up to take her place. Most of them totally committed to their man. I've known guys that hooked up with bar girls and come home and found their place cleaned out. I've known guys that hooked up with non-bar girls and things go bad and they have to pay to get out of it,What Bob said about her psyche is dead on. Hard to go through something like that without becoming jaded. I know a guy that befriended bar girls from Angels city. How he hangs out with such hot women like he does with such friendly intentions is something I don't think I could do. He said he found that the girls, when they are off work, just want to be like other women. Have some fun perhaps but not looking to scam him. He also learned a lot, you know those medical checks people talk about, toss that. (sorry I'm trying to stay on topic but this issue goes all over the place.)This girl didn't have to tell him she's a former bar girl. Other than what Bob said about her psyche, it doesn't matter. It doesn't define who she is. But, Paul, as others said, you're going to have to make up your own mind and you're not going to get a sure thing. So don't change your whole life based on one person. As Lee said, come for the Philippines Make the woman, or if it doesn't work out, the women a bonus.Grrrr judging people cooks my goat......

[No name]

I didn't see his second post when I replied the first time.I don't change anything i said. If he could learn not to judge then he wouldn't be so perplexed.She's not the girl for him. She's just not. Its too bad though as in MY MIND and MY WAY of thinking he's blowing a good opportunity but he's too judging. He can't help it, its just who he is. I try not to be judging about those that judge but that's where I run into problems Paul, you need to accept who you are. We really don't choose who we are but we have to live with it. :( We can only change with INTENSE effortFind someone else. I don't see how it can work, not with your way of thinking. I'm not on your case, you are who you are don't try to be someone you're not. It wont work. I know a guy dating a girl that claims she worked in a bar for less than a week and she didn't bar fine. Yes it is possible in some clubs. I don't really believe her though. :) My friend also had some guy came up to him one day telling him how he had her. What a freaking jerk, even if it is true, what a complete and total a@@wipe. Another ugly foreigner.... I look for that situation to go bad but I'm not with them alone, am I. :)I'm having a hard time understanding why you were ever putting yourself in a situation of getting her pregnant. Dang, now you sound like a friend of mine. I sure hope not.......Naw, surely not... :) No its not cause he would have liked some of the stuff you hate. :) Amazing how similar the story is in parts.You don't seem to like it here either. When I first got here, I had a short moment of doubt, wondering what I had got myself into. Then I thought, if 80 million people can do it, so can I. Now those things that seem so strange to me, seem normal now.There is a book floating around on Amazon, titled "A Long Way For a Date." :) Something like that.

[joeatmanila]

I agree with Cebu Experience.Note, every soul has it's match. Bar girl, X-bar girl, bank official, carenderia lady, whatever!!! For as long as one gives it time and feels good with the other person, go for it.If you fall in a trap blame no one than your will to do so. All of us we are old enough to know and see the signs.My best expat friend is 63. He houses/dates girls of 19 to 24 is the eldest i have seen. I will try to make the story short.All of them they stay in his house for periods of 1 to 6 months. He NEVER goes to girly bars nor to any other bars, he has no cellphone not even telephone, can hardly pronounce the word internet. He owns a nice house at the same subdivision with me, an FX for business and that's it. All his income is what the FX gives him, about 20.000p/month since he is not driving it him self. ALL of them are eying towrds his death and the possibility to get the house from him (it's actually under his daughter's name from his ex-wife filipina, they all live in australia).He is 63, surviving incomes, psoriasis on elbows and knees and life has taken it's toll to his looks. Still he comes with a new love story every time.Eveytime i meet him to have a few drinks and chit chat...oh my my!!!! Just to listen all the stories and all the dramas they do to him, the first story on the post is very mild...a couple of them wanted to commit suicide for his love too...one actually did cut her self...Even my wife if she will not see him for a week she asks me to invite him home (he never brings his young loves) to tell us the stories and see him since he proved to be a really nice friend. and HE IS NOT LYING. It is a subdivision and the word of gossip goes unbelievably fast.So after that, any story can do. If a grown up man still believes stories and forget the facts...good luck, might get it too, never know.

[ekimswish]

Here's my take on this: the first letter seemed fake to me and the second letter seemed fake, but I believe them both. The reason the letter seemed fake is because it was. The story is real, but the life that Paol was envisioning was not. Or, maybe the story wasn't real, and someone just wrote to Mr. Lee out of curiosity as to what people would say. But, hey, I'll give the benefit of the doubt. As fake as it seems, this stuff happens all the time!!!I just assume women are lying. It's a good rule of thumb to start with. The truth will come out eventually, but it's not as important as is the test of time. If you can be with someone a significant amount of time and you still want more, then cool! Be with them! But don't kid yourself, assuming she told you everything. Like someone else said about bar-girls, but applying it to life in general, "assume the worst and anything less than that is a bonus."Virtually every girl I've been with has come out months later and told me a story of an ex or something. Yeah, they bother me, but I ain't innocent either. Besides, as grateful as I am for the story they came out about and told me, I just assume there's still one more hiding in the closet. Pushing for full disclosure on things can not only mess up your perception of the girl you're with but shame her away from being with you. But some guys want to know! That's when it's the girl's job to sugar-coat the truth or leave some things out. I think, relationship-wise, this girl's biggest mistake was full-disclosure. She should've just lied and said that one disgusting fat guy was the exception, and he used to be better looking and clean cut! lol... Then everyone else she slept with were basically businessmen types who were very respectful and clean and were usually repeat customers, to give the impression of a little normality. Before I get ripped (cuz I'm ripped) for saying full disclosure can mess up your perception of the girl, what I mean is the image in your head of someone else doing her. No one wants to think of another guy doing their girl, even if it's in the past, but especially in the present. So although the act was in the past, the image is in the present, and it makes you wanna fight the guy to avenge her (your!) honor. When we move to wife's hometown I'll have to live just a few blocks away from her ex, a guy she had two children with. It pisses me off, thinking of what they did together, but I'd rather drop the issue and focus on making money and doing her better than he did. I don't like the fact that she offered full (?) disclosure. I think when a woman does that, maybe she has some ulterior motives. Girls thrive on mindgames, and I see this as her way of jockeying for position. How, I don't know. I'd have to know everything about their relationship to know that. But everything girls do and say and reveal is measured in the grand scheme of things, so I highly doubt she revealed all because SHE THOUGHT IT'D HELP!!! lol..... nooooooooooo way jose. But if Paol seriously sold everything and moved to the Philippines for this girl dispite people giving him better advice to take it slowly, then what's the point? It's his job to understand his woman and their relationship dynamics and if he views this full-disclosure as I view it - a powerplay - then he should cynically step-back and consider what powermoves he needs to make in response. Someone mentioned a 3 month break or something, and I think that'd be great. I've spent lots of time away from my wife before and after marriage, and it's only reaffirmed for me how much I want to be with her. I haven't even mentioned the original letter, really. Reading it was just like a classic impression any Filipina girl, really, leaves on a foreigner: had a hard life, made some mistakes, but just the sweetest little thing ever, and could care less about money or living abroad; loves you for you, and everyone else on the Yahoo messenger list.So like I said earlier, the story might be real, but not really. And you have to expect that.

Edited August 16, 2010 by ekimswish

[Mr Lee]

Here's my take on this: the first letter seemed fake to me and the second letter seemed fake, but I believe them both. The reason the letter seemed fake is because it was. The story is real, but the life that Paol was envisioning was not. Or, maybe the story wasn't real, and someone just wrote to Mr. Lee out of curiosity as to what people would say. But, hey, I'll give the benefit of the doubt. As fake as it seems, this stuff happens all the time!!!I just assume women are lying. It's a good rule of thumb to start with. The truth will come out eventually, but it's not as important as is the test of time. If you can be with someone a significant amount of time and you still want more, then cool! Be with them! But don't kid yourself, assuming she told you everything. Like someone else said about bar-girls, but applying it to life in general, "assume the worst and anything less than that is a bonus."Virtually every girl I've been with has come out months later and told me a story of an ex or something. Yeah, they bother me, but I ain't innocent either. Besides, as grateful as I am for the story they came out about and told me, I just assume there's still one more hiding in the closet. Pushing for full disclosure on things can not only mess up your perception of the girl you're with but shame her away from being with you. But some guys want to know! That's when it's the girl's job to sugar-coat the truth or leave some things out. I think, relationship-wise, this girl's biggest mistake was full-disclosure. She should've just lied and said that one disgusting fat guy was the exception, and he used to be better looking and clean cut! lol... Then everyone else she slept with were basically businessmen types who were very respectful and clean and were usually repeat customers, to give the impression of a little normality. Before I get ripped (cuz I'm ripped) for saying full disclosure can mess up your perception of the girl, what I mean is the image in your head of someone else doing her. No one wants to think of another guy doing their girl, even if it's in the past, but especially in the present. So although the act was in the past, the image is in the present, and it makes you wanna fight the guy to avenge her (your!) honor. When we move to wife's hometown I'll have to live just a few blocks away from her ex, a guy she had two children with. It pisses me off, thinking of what they did together, but I'd rather drop the issue and focus on making money and doing her better than he did. I don't like the fact that she offered full (?) disclosure. I think when a woman does that, maybe she has some ulterior motives. Girls thrive on mindgames, and I see this as her way of jockeying for position. How, I don't know. I'd have to know everything about their relationship to know that. But everything girls do and say and reveal is measured in the grand scheme of things, so I highly doubt she revealed all because SHE THOUGHT IT'D HELP!!! lol..... nooooooooooo way jose. But if Paol seriously sold everything and moved to the Philippines for this girl dispite people giving him better advice to take it slowly, then what's the point? It's his job to understand his woman and their relationship dynamics and if he views this full-disclosure as I view it - a powerplay - then he should cynically step-back and consider what powermoves he needs to make in response. Someone mentioned a 3 month break or something, and I think that'd be great. I've spent lots of time away from my wife before and after marriage, and it's only reaffirmed for me how much I want to be with her. I haven't even mentioned the original letter, really. Reading it was just like a classic impression any Filipina girl, really, leaves on a foreigner: had a hard life, made some mistakes, but just the sweetest little thing ever, and could care less about money or living abroad; loves you for you, and everyone else on the Yahoo messenger list.So like I said earlier, the story might be real, but not really. And you have to expect that.

Thank you for your comments and I thank everyone else for theirs as well. Since I have never dealt with any bar girls that I knew were bar girls, other than a number of visits to bars in Cebu and sitting and talking with quite a few during those visits, I really have no experience with them and Paol's emails had been an eye openers for me which lead me to ask more questions of some bar girls (during future visits) that I met to see if what he said was the norm yet I had seen and heard most of the same things and worse goings on with prostitutes in the US, so men are men and the things they ask women to do seems to be universal.Other than that I can tell you that the guy does exist and some of the back and forth emails from him in the past were asking me all kinds of questions so I rather doubt it was a made up story but anything is possible in this crazy world, yet I would have to wonder what reasons he would have to take it to such levels if it were not true. I personally believe he has lead a sheltered life devoid of women such as the one he got himself involved with and was very naive of what the terms bar girl or GRO meant. One thing everyone should understand is that I had to do a lot of editing on the second email and cut out some things from the first email before posting them and that I was the one who made the mistake of calling him Paul because I never heard of anyone named Paol before then and thought it had to be a typo, (I have since Googled it and found it to be a fairly common name in some cultures) so that part was my fault and some of the framing of the emails are my fault as I am not very good at editing, heck I am not good at a lot of things and I have since told quite a few email buddies to post their questions on the forum themselves yet I find many never do for whatever reason and I have no idea what their reasons may be other than possibly being afraid someone might recognize them?  Beyond that I have not received an email back from Paol yet, so I have no more to add to this thread yet at this time.