Sharing between the family

[Hey Steve]

13 hours ago, Sander Martin said:

Hopefully no1 gets offended. I also think it depends alot about the age gap between the guy and girl. If you have say a 60-70yo foregner and a 20yo girl, then you know the relationship is about money. And aslong as both of them are happy with the agreement then its ok. Most of you guys are aged in the bracked that you have/had/could have daughters in the 20s. Im sure you wouldn't like your baby girl bringing home a man that could be her grandpa. I feel its not different here, but because of the poverty alot of parents would not complain here, as they just see the older man a meal ticket for their kid and them.

i might be one of the few guys that actually has a Filipina fiance that is older than them hahaha.

Just my two cents, dont kill me.

Sander Martin, as a suggestion, you may want to start/create a new topic if you feel inclined as this post regarding your feelings about age gaps is essentially swaying away from the OP and...so back to the topic of ""Sharing with Family"". Thanks much...

[Tukaram (Tim)]

We just had our annual barangay fiesta.  My wife and her Aunt wanted a big party... so I spent a couple thousand pesos on groceries, Uncle spent a couple thousand pesos on groceries, and he killed a couple ducks.  We spent 2 days cooking at both houses... ingredients were borrowed back and forth... but it all went on the same serving table. 

Tons of people flowed through here, during the day. Locals and foreigners.  We ran out of nothing, except fried chicken. (we had only 3 Red Horse and 1 Coke left after everyone was gone - but we did not run out ha ha) So all in all it went pretty well.  This is the kind of sharing I like.  We shared the work, we shared the cost, we shared the fun. 

[davewe]

The fantasy is that people in the West never hit up others for money. Of course they do. The truth is that since most of us are financially average or worse, they never hit us up. But most of us have a rich uncle, grandfather, brother, etc. and if you ask that person you will discover that he gets tapped for money, and possibly tapped often.

Now we marry a Filipina or move to the Philippines, and "we" are the rich person and are contending with being at the top of the heap, a position we have never held. We are not use to it and probably don't handle it well. And of course we are pissed off at being put in the position by our relatives. 

Therefore what happens is we get very concerned about what others are contributing. We are willing to give our "fair share" but why don't they? I stay out of that discussion altogether. I don't care what others give, can give, can't give, etc. I just say, here's what I can or will contribute - and don't worry about where the rest comes from. That keeps my sanity.

For example, after 3 years of my SIL paying for her own college she asked us to help her senior year. We agreed to pay the tuition only; she would have to find a way to pay for room and board. And that's what we pay. I don't know and don't ask how she gets the rest of the money; not my problem. I paid what I agreed to - and in 2 weeks she graduates! I'm the hero but in the end we really did not have to shell out much and I don't have to stress.

[Larry45]

21 hours ago, davewe said:

The fantasy is that people in the West never hit up others for money. Of course they do. The truth is that since most of us are financially average or worse, they never hit us up. But most of us have a rich uncle, grandfather, brother, etc. and if you ask that person you will discover that he gets tapped for money, and possibly tapped often.

Now we marry a Filipina or move to the Philippines, and "we" are the rich person and are contending with being at the top of the heap, a position we have never held. We are not use to it and probably don't handle it well. And of course we are pissed off at being put in the position by our relatives. 

It's that classic fallacious Filipino defensive argument again, "Oh, you think that doesn't happen in your country!?!"  Seriously, it's absurd to attempt to compare the Philippines with the Western world with regards to learned financial dependency, expectations of 'rich" relatives, and abuses of generosity.  Being 'kuripot' is not the hypocrisy that you are suggesting, but rather a desire for many expats to have equality with their new family and legitimacy with their relationship.       

[mogo51]

13 hours ago, manofthecoldland said:

 

You are right that it driven by ignorance. Historical ignorance.

Until very recent times, most marriages were between older men and much younger women. Even today, outside of the West, arranged and family approved marriages do not assign 'emotional infatuation' to a high value when it comes to marriage. Marriage is too important and long term, involving too many other family members' economic survival that hinge upon it in the long run to allow individual, selfish and ephemeral feelings to weigh in on such an important social group survival strategy.

   In the 19th century Irish males couldn't marry until they inherited the farm and could support a wife. She was usually 20+ years younger, from what I've read. Many women died in childbirth, and it was common for men of means to marry 2 or 3 times in their lifetimes. I have learned this while pursuing my hobby in genealogy.

   We are living in anomalous times right now compared to historical norms. If you take a much younger wife, you are the historical norm, but out of step with only a small portion of current humanity.

this is an extremely relevant point you make and to be honest, I did not consider it in the past.

Whats more, 'marriages of the heart' history is pretty poor with divorces globally in western countries hovering around 50%.  Obviously this system is not working, but alas one only has to read many posts on this and other forums to see the 'old man, young  woman'arrangement has more holes in it than a packet of Swiss Cheese.

All I know is that the current surge of 'women's liberation' will leave a lot of women very lonely in the west. That is another reason why I am here.

The questions is too hard, I will just have to have a cup of tea and ponder!

[davewe]

48 minutes ago, Larry45 said:

It's that classic fallacious Filipino defensive argument again, "Oh, you think that doesn't happen in your country!?!"  Seriously, it's absurd to attempt to compare the Philippines with the Western world with regards to learned financial dependency, expectations of 'rich" relatives, and abuses of generosity.  Being 'kuripot' is not the hypocrisy that you are suggesting, but rather a desire for many expats to have equality with their new family and legitimacy with their relationship.       

It may be a fallacious argument but I'm sticking to it. It's also my personal experience which is just as valid (or just as invalid) as anyone else's.

A guy goes to the 3rd world with his $1000/month social security check and is suddenly viewed in a way he is not used to and sometimes can't handle it and doesn't know how to say "no." He never had to say no in his home country because he never had 2 nickels to rub together.

I will say that I am lucky and have a nice Filipino family. They ask for nothing and when we offer a little, are gracious, humble and thankful. I know many guys in similar situations who truly like and even love their family and never feel abused by them. At the same time I have a pretty tough wife who doesn't easily give away money in general.

For those in a less fortunate circumstance I feel sorry. But that doesn't make that experience universal. I know plenty of guys who complain but very few willing to give up their wonderful wives just because of an annoying relative.

Bottom line is I like the place, I like the people, like my wife (sometimes she even likes me), and like her family. Again, perhaps I'm just lucky.

[Jack Peterson]

 Taking all the posts in perspective, I sit and say now is there something Deeper here?

What a lot us us fail at times to realize is the bond of the family, Having said that, I have over the last few months come to rethink a lot of thoughts on this adapting and acceptance of a given situation. Many times my wife will say OH! but it is our Culture and our way to share, Fine say I but how often does the average Family sit and think about adapting a little to us, Does it ever occur to you how this affects us, do our thoughts actually mean nothing, Our feelings are important as well, are they not?

Too many times I hear/read people say, OH they don't actually need us just our money, Then it all goes pear shaped and the Topics spiral all ways. I wonder what the Truth is here sometimes. We had a discussion on this and to prove the point when she said I don't need your Money I have my own yet only 30 mins ago she rings to say My Bike needs to be registered, OK babe but you have Money, No mine is gone AH! so now you do need my Money. ( just a one off here to illustrate)

 

When Major things come up and a Pot is needed  of course, we have covered this many times. Most of us can count just who will not put into the Pot yet will maybe, get something out.

My view is an easy one just now, we say many things about the family,  the wants and the Difference in the meaning of Sharing but I would like to be a "Fly on the Wall" at a Family meeting that I could understand what is being said.

OH! yes we can all say my SO/Wife whatever Understands and Agree with me but do they really?

It is when the Reality comes and the family pressure gets hold of things that the Problems start, we have to Understand them, so I ask here, Do they Understand Us? Not really off Topic as I think it may well add more thought to answers on this. I mean we talk of a 50/50 Relationship that seems to go 70/30 when it is our Money that is required.

Sorry but just at this time this is how I feel, Misunderstood!

 

Jack

Morning All

Edited March 9, 2016 by Jack Peterson
a little punctuation if you don't mind

[mogo51]

15 hours ago, expatuk2014 said:

aah a touchy subject my wife has a fairly large family

spread far and wide from Los banos to Legazpi to California to Saudi

for one brother he sees us and his younger sister as money !

A good example was this last sunday out of the blue he invites us to go with him,his wife,and daughter to Alabang !!

and we had lunch as a burger place, which had a large menu half of which was not available !!

when it came to paying the bill I gave my wife my wallet ( so she can get the senior discount ! )

And the brother and his family made no attempt to pay or even offer to pay part of the bill !

mind you it was expected as everytime we use him to go shopping he expects to be fed and to be paid !!

to add further, since marrying my wife in 2002 we sent money back to the philippines to help with the mother and sisters

living expenses. since retiring we have built a new home, paid medical bills for mother and sadly funeral expenses.

we are currently repairing the family home as money allows.

and we are about to further improve our home as well.

Any money we have spent on the mother etc and her sister is as far as Im concerned all part of my duty towards my wife.

I am happy to do so just so long as I have my cold drinks and gadgets !

as an example this month I get around 100000 pesos from a private pension I have told the wife I want 25000 for a new printer and a shaver and another security camera and whats left is hers to do with as she wants !

its all about love guys

 

 

 

Our view on obligations differ greatly, but we both have the right to exercise them.  

 My personal view is that I will be judged by how I look after my SO and have no concerns about her family, as I see it as not my problem.  There is no right or wrong in either view.

 

[Jack Peterson]

1 hour ago, mogo51 said:

17 hours ago, expatuk2014 said:

 

 

 

 

Our view on obligations differ greatly, but we both have the right to exercise them.  

 

 

 

 

 

 Taking all the posts in perspective, I sit and say now is there something Deeper here?

What a lot us us fail at times to realize is the bond of the family, Having said that, I have over the last few months come to rethink a lot of thoughts on this adapting and acceptance of a given situation. Many times my wife will say OH! but it is our Culture and our way to share, Fine say I but how often does the average Family sit and think about adapting a little to us, Does it ever occur to you how this affects us, do our thoughts actually mean nothing, Our feelings are important as well, are they not?

Too many times I hear/read people say, OH they don't actually need us just our money, Then it all goes pear shaped and the Topics spiral all way. I wonder what the Truth is here sometimes. We had a discussion on this and to prove the point when she said I don't need your Money I have my own yet only 30 mins ago she rings to say My Bike needs to be registered, OK babe but you have Money, No mine is gone AH! so now you do need my Money. ( just a one off here to illus

 

When Major things come up and a Pot is needed  of course, we have covered this many times. Most of us can count just who will not put into the Pot yet will maybe, get something out.

My view is an easy one just now, we say many things about the family,  the wants and the Difference in the meaning of Sharing but I would like to be a "Fly on the Wall" at a Family meeting that I could understand what is being said.

OH! yes we can all say my SO/Wife whatever Understands and Agree with me but do they really?

It is when the Reality comes and the family pressure  gets hold of things that the Problems start, we have to Understand them so I ask here, Do they Understand Us? Not really off Topic as I think it may well add more thought to answers on this. I mean we talk of a 50/50 Relationship that seems to go 70/30 when it is our Money that is required.

Sorry but just at this time this is how I feel Misunderstood!

 

 Hmmm Just trying to clear up a problem guys & Gals please bear with me, TOM sorry delete is this is not OK

 

Jack

Morning All

[Jack Peterson]

 Well it has cleared up what ever was Stopping me from answering, Thank You all. for your patience

Edited March 9, 2016 by Jack Peterson
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